68 Days

I have so much on my mind and I just can't wait to get away and soak up the sun on our family cruise. I really do need this vacation and I couldn't ask for better people to spend it with. I guess you can only push so much to the back of your mind before it starts to seep into the front of it again. Work drives me nuts, I miss my kitties, I miss my friend Chad, I'm sick of my weight, I want to go back and finish school but I don't have the money to go back, and apparently I set my standards too high. All of that and then some has been on my mind. I like my job but most days I just get sick of it early on. I want to go back and finish the little bit of school I have left but with no money that's kind of hard. I did however take my SAC-IT test and pass it, so that's something good. Maybe I can go back into it part time again. Time is going by so fast, it seems like just yesterday the fire happened and Ollie and Libby Lue were gone. Little things remind me of them and it creeps up on me and reminds me how much I miss them. Asher is a great boy though, he definitely brought me up from my low point. I don't think that anyone else really knew how much they meant to me until they saw me cry thirty times a day. I'm still trying to decide if trying to be more than friends with Chad was a good idea or not. If I hadn't than I would always wonder what if, but on the other hand now it seems that I've lost him for good. Not having one of my best friends really sucks! Someone told me recently that I set my standards too high in what I want from a boyfriend. At first, I was like oh my gosh maybe I do. After awhile I thought, wait a second, no I don't set my standards too high, and I'm not lowering them. If I lower them than I might not be completely happy, which is not fair to me or anyone else. Well there it is, it's all out now back to the upcoming cruise. I am so excited to go and I think I'm going to do some excursions this time around. This cruise line and boat is supposed to be way better than the last one I was on. I've been looking at excursions and I really think I want to swim with the dolphins, I've always wanted to do that! I'm also contemplating parasailing. I'm super scared of heights but really considering doing it, and maybe I'll get over my fears. I started to write this last night but I'm pretty sure my sleeping pill kicked in and everything was blurry and moving lol! Of course the one night I get the urge to write out a blog post my sleeping pill decides to actually work and work fast to boot. Today was a long day at work and I've had a headache so I'm going to get off the computer and watch some netflix and lay down. Oh I also have a little side note for anyone that is interested. I've talked about my pet communicator that I use in past blog posts and if you've read the stories I've told about how much she has helped me through this last 8 months or so. I got an email from her a few days ago with an amazing story of how her and her dog Java survived carbon monoxide poisoning for quite some in her house. Java is slowly making her way to recovery however she has lost 25% of her body weight. She currently has over $3500 in vet bills for Java and her new furnace (her old furnace caused this whole mess) cost $5500 which she is paying a portion of it with her retirement money. She's never asked for direct financial support but she is asking now. She's offering 10 minute free session for any of her services with each $10 donated to her and Java. I'm not insisting anyone donate money, I just thought if anyone likes to donate or finds it in there heart to help her out it would be pretty awesome. She means a lot to me so maybe she could mean something to you. She has a website: www.dancingporcupine.com. That will list and explain everything that she does and is about. I'm not sure if she posted on her website about the carbon monoxide poisoning or if she just sent it to just the people on her emailing list. If it isn't there and you'd like to read the full story let me know and I can send the email to you. Again she offers many, many services so don't hesitate to look! She can definitely change your world!

Passed my SAC-IT

So today was a day of ups and downs. I woke up tired, was at work for a short time when I got bit by a dog :( Damn did that hurt! I thought when my finger finally was out of it's mouth that the tip of it would be gone. It wasn't gone....just a little bleeding and throbbing. Went to urgent care, got bandaged, and then he told me to go home and not back to work. Then I spent the next few hours stapling fliers for Donna. Brought coffee and dinner to Donna, then to my aunts to watch American Idol and catch up. Oh and the brakes on my car are sooooooo bad, sounds like I'm landing an airplane. Thanks to my wonderful cousin Jeremy, they will be fixed Saturday! I came home tonight, my head hurting with a headache and I decided that I needed to just take my SAC-IT test and just get it over with, stop fearing failure. So I did it, and I passed! Now I can look into getting back into a counseling job. 80 days until our family cruise....things may be looking up :)

Fantasy World

Well, hello there.....I've been off the grid for awhile. I seem to go in spurts of my ups and downs. So what's been going on? Well I'm still working at the animal hospital.....drives me crazy most days. We took Bailey to have his surgery about a week ago, and he seems to be recovery ok. Asher is being the same old Asher which I'm sure is getting into trouble. I find that my best thoughts and the most often I get thoughts are when I am on ambien. I have trouble sleeping take one of thos suckers and I get all emotional and everything rushes forward to my mind. So if parts don't make sense, I did forwarn you. But don't be afraid to ask questions! Lately, I feel stressed.....about everything 1) My weight....I want to lose weight, but I don't want to have to change what I eat, and it pisses me off! 2) working out....I flippin hate it....only reason I do it is to try with helping to lose weight however when I do get into a place with it, it's ok, but then makes me feel guilty that I'm not working hard enough 3) I don't want to go on our family cruise looking like complete garbage, apparently I've already gone on one cruise that I looked like complete garbage on the whole time! 4) I want the people that I'm going to go on this cruise with actually want to go, and go with me. Donna seems happy, Jordan seems happy, Josh seems happy, I can't really tell if Malisssa is happy or not for it and papa he makes comments like why be so excited were just going with the people we live with and see everyday? Well that makes me feel so wanted to go. NOT! 5) My brakes need to be done in my car which is a shit ton of money that I don't have...unresolved issue as of yet 6) I have to go to the dentist for a few things and thats another 65 dollars....unresolved there too! 7) Have to pay work this week too 60 dollars 8)watching all my tv shows and netflix gets me wrapped in a fictional world, lets me believe things can actually happen 9) I've been reading books lately, really good books, but they're about falling in love and having a great relationship and all that good stuff.....nice to bury my head into....but then where does my head go when I finish the book? It stays with me and makes me dream things I shouldn't/can't be dreaming because it's NEVER going to happen to me. All those books through relationships, time, energy, man falling for you for who you really are, falling for you even if you're not the ideal weight.......all that stuff I am never going to find. I'm never going to find that guy! A guy so simple yet he excepts me for who I am and fall madly in love with me. 10) I want to go back to school to finish my classes at alverno, but not sure when because of money and if its even still interesting to me 11) my car payments suck ass too! 12) my friend Sherry came over and she did highlights in my hair on Saturday. I don't know what else to say......listening to me sometimes sounds like a record player. I've already had enough of the there's more fish in the sea, you'll meet the right one, etc but I hate it....I want them to come to me, chase me down, persue me....like me (all of me) know what I mean? Any idea where I could find that person? lol I thought I had one but I guess the element of surprise turned in the wrong direction for me. He was gone before I could even think long term......sad because who knows where that could have went.....right Chad Taplin? I better sign off now before I say anymore confusing things.

Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013

When I look back on 2012, the first word that comes to mind is 'loss'. When beginning 2012, I never thought it could be worse than 2011...well, I was wrong! In 2012 I lost Donna's mom, and I had just begun a relationship with her. I wish I could have had longer to get to know her more, she was a wonderful woman. Then shortly after we had the house fire. We lost the house, our belongings, Abby, Libby Lue, and Ollie. I felt like I lost my sanity, my beliefs in God, and my will to move forward. We lived in a hotel for three months, which wore off the novelty of staying in a hotel for me ever again...or at least for a long time. The first few weeks it was nice having a pool for the summer but that definitely wore off. Then right before moving back into the house, Donna's dad passed away. How much more loss could we handle? It was a wonderful day moving back in but it took a long while to settle back in. We lost a lot of my favorite animals at work this year as well. Now, don't get me wrong there were good things in 2012 as well. My first cruise was in 2012....it seems like a life time ago though. We got a brand new house, with brand new things. I also got Asher. Asher has made my life so much better. He helped bring me "back". I'm in a better place than I was 4-5 months ago. One of my coworkers and good friend Brandy got married to the love of her life Kari in October. That was probably by far the best wedding I have ever been to. It was amazing and wonderful, and they did a great job at planning the whole thing. I sit in my "new" room now and stare at the collages of pictures on my walls of all the people/things I love...and I think how much I miss my Libby Lue and Ollie. What I wouldn't give to just hold them, love them, hug them, kiss them and tell them how much I loved them and all the things they did for/with me. It's hard to let them go because I never pictured my life without them, especially Libby Lue. I wish I would walk in my room one day and there she is laying on my bed waiting for me to come home from work. So with all of that said, goodbye 2012 take with you all the loss and heartache, and welcome 2013, with hopes and dreams to come. For 2013 I hope, dream, wish that I have no more loss and that this year brings happiness and direction to me. I hope to find the will to lose weight. Also, looking forward to our first family cruise and our first family vacation in many years. 102 days until we fly off to Florida and soak up the hot sun! I also wish for no loss this year, and only gain (except weight that is). I hope for good health for my family and all of our pets. I look forward to spending the year with you all!