New Year's Eve

Normally, I know just what to write for most of my blog posts but lately I've been at a loss.  January I started another semester at Alverno, February grandma had her aneurysm, March I had my golden birthday and started medication to hopefully help me feel better, April I got closer to grandma (she is Donna's mom and I didn't know her all that well until she went into the hospital), May I got my Ollie boy in hopes that he would make me happy again and get over Chad, June I quit school, July I started work full time and stopped talking to Chad, August I met Ryan and started seeing him, September I went up north to Crivitz (I hadn't been up there in years), October was Chad's birthday and I didn't call/text/email him which was really hard for me and to this day I still feel bad that I hadn't, November I got even worse and pushed everyone away and distanced myself, holed up at home and cried a lot and Megan passed away, December was pretty much the same and I lost two people in one month, Uncle Vince and Maile from work.  However, in December I started health insurance with work and started seeing Tom and Donna's family doctor, Dr. Knapp.  She is helping me a lot, and so is my new medication.  I feel a little better than I had before, however I still have bad days.  There are days that I feel completely and utterly fine and happy.  Other days it feels like everything is falling apart.  I wrote Chad a long email and I have decided to share it with all of you, to get some insight into my mind...so here it is:

I've been contemplating all night and morning if I was actually going to do this.....and I decided that I am.  I feel like no matter how hard I try when I am talking to you that I can't get the words out how I want them.  So here is one of my famous "novels" for you.  I hope that after this I can make you understand what I mean by everything.  Donna told me that you said that you wanted me to scream at you for everything you've done in the past.  Chad, I can't do that.  It may make you feel better because of all the guilt that you carry, but I just can't.  I'm not angry anymore.  I can forgive, but I'll never forget.  I've forgiven you for all you've done.  How can I do that, you may ask? It's the past, why dwell on it? It can't be changed, it's already done.  I see that you are beating yourself up over it enough for the two of us.  A lot of things you say contradict themselves.  You always told me, why do you need to be with someone? Why can't you take the time and be alone to find yourself? You say you have, but statements that you make contradict that.  If you can't trust yourself and you haven't forgiven yourself for the past, that you haven't even begun to find yourself.  A lot of people are under the assumption that how I am right now is all because of you, for the last time, it's not!  You're just the icing on the cake.  If you read my blog regularly you would see that one post specifically (pacifically to you lol) stated that it's not just about you.  I've been feeling like this for a long time.  I think it's pretty selfish and conceited to assume it's just about you, don't you think?  I thought out of all most everyone that you knew me pretty well, and could see through all the crap.  Once upon a time, you and I talked about everything....and I probably miss that the most.  You were like my best friend.  So, since you haven't asked what's going on with me, I guess I'll go ahead and tell you to show you that it's not just about you.  First of all it's very hard for me through all of this because I've never felt like this.  I've always known what I wanted and where I wanted to go.  I never really dealt with how my parents made me feel.  It really hurts that my mom chose drugs over me.  It really hurts that my father chose his selfishness over my well being.  He should have signed me over to Papa so that I would be properly taken care of, but he didn't.  I'm not happy with school...I don't even know if that's what I want to do anymore.  That leaves me to wonder if I wasted 5 years and 60,000 dollars on nothing???? That's a lot of time, and a lot of money!  I'm so sick of credit card bills, cell phone bills, car payments, car insurance, gas, food, vacation money (however I think I do really need the cruise I am going on), my truck breaking and costing a crap load, papa, Malissa, josh, work, school....just everything!  Then add you into the mix and it all just sucks!  Writing this now, I think I realized why I hold on to you so strongly, because it's the one thing I know for sure that I want, that I love, that I know what I want.  Everything else in my life, I don't know.  For just one day it would be nice to not feel any of it, to just be free, not care, not worry.....just be gone.  Just go to sleep and not wake up.  So those thoughts right there Chad is what brought me to paying 150.00 for insurance a month (adding to my list of worries) so that I can get help, so that I can be put on medications to feel normal again, and not want to leave my life.  Do you get that? And no I'm not being dramatic or trying to make you feel sorry for me...not at all.  This is how I have truly felt....for awhile now.  So it's not a ploy to get you back into my life and what not.  If you come back, I want you to come back on your own.  You said yesterday that you want me to be happy again...so do I!  In the past I may have said that you hinge my happiness, well that's not true.  You may be part of it, but definitely not all of it.  I don't need you in my life, however I want you in my life.  You've been part of my life for over 7 years now, I don't want that to change.  I miss you more than you know.  You don't know how I long to get lost in a hug from you and hear you say that everything is going to be OK, and that I will feel normal again, that I will want to live, that I will be happy.  Do you honestly think that I like being so "high" one day and then so low the next? Hell, I can't even say it's like that day to day, more like hour to hour.  I think you are under the assumption that I am selfish and want what I want and not care what others want.  I go to bed every night praying (if there is even a god) and thanking that I have family and friends, that they are healthy, I also pray EVERY NIGHT that chad is safe, that he is happy, and that he is finding himself, that he is staying out of trouble....I pray that you come back to me, IF IT'S MEANT TO BE, and if it's not that I will in turn be happy without you and possibly with someone else in the future.  However, I can't let someone in to date and whatever until I have fixed myself and my thoughts....so moving on doesn't always have to be with someone.  Donna asks you if you can honestly say that you don't ever see a future for us ever? and you respond that you can't honestly say.  But to me you say that you don't feel it and blah blah blah.  I know you say that stuff to me thinking that it hurts and will make me move on like you so want me to.  I just think that's more of your guilt because you are moving on with someone else, and I'm not.  I may be weak in other things in my life now, but I don't need a boyfriend that's for sure.  How many times have we broken up and gotten back together? I don't know, I've lost count.  Why do I still love you? Why do I still want to be with you? Why do I still feel a future for us? I really don't fucking know!  All I know is, that we are drawn together, time after time.  I'm not the only one that feels it, I know you do too.  You say that you don't feel it, it's because you won't let yourself feel it.  You hide behind your guilt and everything in the past.  When you and I were good, we were really good.  You just never gave us the opportunity to work on a relationship when you were trying (outside of jail)....I always got the "bad chad".  The Chad that wasn't making the effort for us, the one that just gave into the past.  Instead some other girl who doesn't have a history of bad with you gets the good chad.....taking the easy way out.  How fair is that? That's not fair at all!  How dare you give some other girl a chance with the changed you and not me? How dare you???? After everything I've gone through with you, everything that I put up with, and everything I've done you don't think that I deserve a chance with the good chad? the changed chad? why the fuck not? you've always been selfish.....you say that I am....well you're the one who's always walked away and gotten what you want...I was always sitting here with nothing that I wanted.  I think if you get over the guilt of the past, and if you've really changed you'd give us a chance again someday.  If you wanted me completely gone you would stop interacting with my family.  Don't you see and look at the signs ever? You are still drawn to me....stop asking/wondering how I can still want you and just accept it...maybe if you accept it you can stop hiding and give us a try.  We've both grown and changed as people, we both made mistakes in the past, we both contributed, and we both learned from them.....after all that being said....did you ever give us the chance after we learned? nope.....you gave someone else a chance.  You know I was going to say I am OK with you being with someone else, but I'm not completely OK with it, however I get it.  I see it as a stepping stone in your life.  Stop hiding, give in for once.  It's like God is sitting here giving you this magnificent car, just for you.  It's the best car for you, brand new, drives awesome, etc but you keep it in the garage because you are too scared to crash it.  Don't keep it in the garage forever, take it out for a test drive....it's been sitting there for 7 years.....you may crash it, or you may have the best race of your life.  It's up to you.  I don't expect you to come around tomorrow, or next week.....I hope one day that you do though....and no I am not waiting for you.  If a nice guy came along and I was attracted to him and in a better place in my life, I'd go with him.  Life is too short to sit around and wait, so I know that I can't, as much as it hurts, I just can't.  But it can be said for the same as you, life is too short to live in the past, and hide behind your guilt.  How many people could have been through the last 7 years with you and know about your past with your case and everything and still love you, and still want to be with you? I swear to god if you say some other girls name here I will find you and beat you...because they may accept your case and all that but they didn't do the last 7 yrs with you like I have.  I always said your eyes give you away....they still do....hence the reason I can't look you in the eyes when you are here at my house.  It would be so much easier if I could look at you and not see love in your eyes....but I still see it.....I know you too well.  I hope that you took the time to read this, and actually contemplate things that I have said, and not just get angry or say that I am being selfish.....I am just trying to make you understand.  I guess I love you too much to want to get to that point when you have decided that it's me and then I'm gone...I don't want you to have to feel that loss....I may not even be alive. I love you with all my heart, and I just want you to be happy.

</3 Blondi

 

I put all of my heart and soul into those words and that email, you'd think I'd at least get some kind of response to it...nope, not a word!  There are two Sara Evans songs that I absolutely love, one is "A Little Bit Stronger" and the other "My Heart Can't Tell You No"....I'm posting a link to both songs below....if you haven't heard them, you need to!  They describe how I am feeling.

 

So, my wish for 2012 is that everyone of my family and friends' wishes and dreams come true.  I also hope that mine do as well.  Here's to all of you, I love you and I am grateful to have all of you in my life.  Have a happy new year!

 

Holidays

It was a busy weekend!  I worked Christmas Eve, then finished up some of my shopping.  I came home and wrapped some more presents, I think I did enough wrapping to last me until next Christmas!  I then went to my Aunt Anna's to exchange gifts with her.  Chrismas morning Jordan woke me up early because Santa came!  The whole family opened up presents, and everyone was very happy with all of their gifts.  Donna loved her new Kerug that I bought her, her new pea coat and tablet that Papa got her.  Malissa, Jordan, Josh, and I all got new computers.  I got a mini laptop, just what I wanted!  I like that its so light and can be carried around so much easier.  Then I went out to West Bend to see my mom for Christmas.  My mom made ham, mashed potatoes, green bean cassarole, ham gravy (my favorite), biscuits, and cucumber salad.  It was all super yummy!  My mom has a little kitten and it was very cute!  It climbed up my leg, totally freaked me out!

His name is Mouse.  Funny story, when my mom got the cat she thought it was a girl, so she named it Macy.  Then later she found out it was a boy, surprise!  So now his name is mouse.  The other funny thing is that her other cat Brandy that she has, she thought was a girl too when she got it as a kitten, hence the name Brandy, but then later found out it was a boy.  Anyways, they are so cute together!  They cuddle, and Brandy cleans the little kitty.  Ollie and Libby definitely don't do what they do!  I hope that one day they will get to be like my moms two cats.

I also found out that Libby Lue's little mass on her head came back as a mass cell tumor and she has to have it removed.  We'll know after removing it and sending it out to the lab if it's benign or not.  I'm really bummed that she has to have surgery, however I'm glad that I found it sooner rather than later when it could have been bigger and worse.  Work was just crazy today!  The phones and internet was down again from 8 am until like noon.  However, there was like a billion dogs.  I'm so sick of walking dogs, my legs and feet are killing me!  I don't think I can own a dog for a very long time after working at this job.  Dogs just get on my nerves!  When I got home from work, my Aunt Lori, her husband and kids were here from Missouri.  They came to see grandma for her birthday today.  It's always nice seeing them!  Lori is just so sweet and I love talking with her.  I wish we could see her more often.  She has this unique prescence about her that just makes you feel comfortable, and that you can talk about anything with her.  Well, I'm off to finish my laundry.  Up late tonight because I don't work tomorrow! :)

Few More Days

Long day at work again, ran some errands after work, came home and decided to wait to wrap presents....saw a preview for a movie that I just HAVE to see....watch below!

It looks great!  I can't wait til it comes out and I can see it! Who wants to come with me?
</3 Krysta

Wise Words

Had a long day at work today....the holidays are just crazy at work!  After work I ran some errands with my auntie, which was nice because I hadn't seen her in awhile.  Grabbed some food and came home.  Home pretty much alone, everyone else is working or out.  Trying to keep Ollie out of the wrapping paper and running off with ornaments is going to keep me pretty busy!  The last few days have been some pretty ok days for me....I've felt a little better than I have been feeling.  I'm starting to believe in some wise words that a wise man always says to me.....

Thanks Papa....I'm trying to believe in this....slowly but surely...one day at a time I guess.  I love you!
Papa and my relationship has been a little rocky the last couple years but recently we've talked about everything and have both been making efforts.  The other day he pulled me into a hug and told me that he is always here for me, that I'm never too old to be in his arms, and that no matter what he will always catch me when I fall regardless of how old I am or what I've done.  That meant a whole lot to me that he did that.  I'm coming to see that he is the only guy that I can count on all the time, and I don't know what I'd do without him! I'm proud to say that I am his daughter :)
</3 Krysta 

Bah Humbug!

Sunday night was probably one of the best nights I have had in a very long time.  The whole family was home and we had pancakes for dinner and then we decided to watch Footloose, the new one.  It was just so nice because Donna and Jordan were sitting/laying on the couch, Papa was in his chair, and then Malissa and I were snuggled up on the love seat together.  Then all the animals were laying around us all too.  We had the lights off, movie on, and even made some popcorn.  It was just the most relaxing and comfortable night.  I felt like a normal family....it's definitely something I don't take for granted.  At times my household and family members can get a little crazy, irritating, and annoying but that night just made up for all the "bad".  I just looked around the living room, smiled to myself and thought this is just so nice!
So I worked today until 3.  I groomed 2 dogs by myself this morning....one was awesome and the other was a crazy hyper spaz dog.  After work, I came home and showered.  I got some Starbucks for Donna and I because we were going Christmas shopping and I knew we'd need the extra caffeine.  I finished all my Christmas shopping, all in one night! Before tonight I didn't buy one thing...I was planning on not buying anyone a gift because I wanted to just skip Christmas all together this year.  However, out of no where I just decided OK I'm just going to get a few things for people close to me, but then I went a little overboard in what I had planned.  I am very pleased with the outcome and glad it was all done it one night!  I also got a few things for myself.  I needed a new winter jacket because my old one was a little snug on me, so I invested in a new Columbia jacket that was on sale at Kohl's.  I went to dinner with Papa, Donna, Malissa, and Jordan and that was really nice. 
I don't know if I mentioned in a prior post that I had found a little lump on Libby Lue's forehead on Saturday.  I took her to work with me today to get it looked at and the doctor thought it would be nothing however, it did show up looking like mass cells, so we are sending the cultures/aspirates off to the lab to get tested and I should know by next week the results. Please keep your fingers crossed and pray lots because I am super worried about it.  She cannot have cancer or something seriously wrong because that will just ruin me.  I've already been struggling with a ton of stuff, I really can't add another thing into the equation.  I will keep you all posted as I hear information. Below are some pics, not hat great but they're there none the less.

Time Flies

Haven't wrote in awhile....nothing very interesting.  Having a rough few days.....woke up to the best boy ever though this morning.

He just was purring away....that sound can just make me feel so much better :)

Work, Work, Work

Worked 8-4 today, little later than usual for a Tuesday because I had to groom 3 dogs.  The first two dogs were insane!  They were border collies, one was 18 years old!  I don't know if she hadn't been groomed in a long time, or if she never got groomed in her lifetime, but she smelled horrible (like her sister the other dog), and hair just came off of her in like sheets when I was blowing her dry.  I was freaking out because I thought that was unusual.  All was good though, she just needed lots of tlc.  The last dog was sedated and that was even more weird because the dog was like limp and we had to hold its head up.  I don't know, I think that would be nice to go to sleep when I go to the doctor and they poke, prod, and bath me while I'm asleep, it'd be awesome to wake up and feel like nothing even happened.  I then had dinner with my mom at Applebee's.  After dinner I picked up Jordan from a friends house.  Then we spent the night cuddling and watching tv.  I just love my Jordan and Krysta time ;)

Spending special time with my boy

One of the only boys I can count on besides my papa is my boy Ollie.  I spent the whole weekend with him cuddling and getting lots of love.

The power that this little guy has is incredible.  I could be having the worst day ever and feel like I can't go on and just one look, purr, or meow can momentarily make me feel better.  He's there to chase my socks, steal my make up brushes, unmake my bed, "help" sort the laundry, get outside and hide under the car, attack the dogs and other cats, make a mess with his food, play with dog food, climb the Christmas tree, hog the bed, get litter all over, beg for food, and the list of naughty or negative things he does could probably go on and on, however they way he greets me at the door when I get home, follow me down to bed, stays in the bathroom with me while I shower, comes when he is called, purrs in my ear, licks away my tears, cuddles with me when I need it most, and loves me like no other has totally makes up for all those naughty things he does.  I wouldn't have it any other way nor trade him for the world.  He was definitely meant for me.  That day back in May when we hadn't intended to go into HAWS, something told us to.  Now months later Ollie is in his forever home and stealing away all of our hearts.  He was just what I needed at this time of my life.  Between him and Libby Lue I'm the happiest pet owner.  They're my babies! 
I was doing really well emotionally this morning and had a nice chat with Dr. Utech at work today.  Dr. Utech was diagnosed with breast cancer months ago.  She has two children, a husband, a career, and her own pets and she still is such a positive, upbeat person.  I can really admire her for her strength, motivation, and courage.  Her and I talked about what she was going to do with all of her "free time" since radiation is over....and she said she'd like to join some kind of class or do a blog.  She told me that she didn't think she could do a blog, and I told her that initially I had many doubts of writing a blog but I went for it anyway, because Donna told me that it might be therapeutic.  I was still pessimistic but I did it.  I have to say that it has helped some to get it all out there.  I even learned that people actually read my blog!  I really appreciate everyone taking the time to actually read my posts, it means a lot.  I left work an hour early and as I got home my headache that I've had all day got worse.  Helped with dinner, sicilian steak, salad and ravioli.  It sure was nummy!  Tonight I got a little emotional and had a little cry (that I tried not to let anyone see, not sure if that was successful or not).  We were talking about something that upset me.  Hopefully I will sleep ok and be better tomorrow.  We shall see I guess.
</3 Krysta

Food for thought

Haven't written since Wednesday :( Sorry about that!  Thursday was a rough day at work.  I had mentioned on my last post that I got some bad news about a coworker and that I was going to bed with a heavy heart.  A dear coworker of mine unexpectedly passed away on Wednesday night, it was ruled a suicide....and my heart hurts for her.  I feel like I should have done something that would have changed her mind.  I will always remember how funny and loving she was!  I am still in shock about this, I don't think it will become real to me until tomorrow at her funeral.  Work has been awesome with everything, they bought us  lunch on Thursday and snacks on Friday.  They are also being very accomadating to make sure we can all get to the funeral.  Last night I went to dinner with Donna and Papa.  Today I went shopping with Aunt Mary.  Then I took Papa for his birthday dinner, just the two of us.  It was very nice!  Now I am cuddled up on the couch watching a movie with papa, just him and I home tonight :)  I belong to this website pinterest.....and it allows you to keep "pinboards" that you can "pin" things on.  You can make different categories or boards.  One of my boards is "Words of Wisdom", it's probably my favorite board that I have.  I thought that I would take a few of the "pin" or sayings/quotes that are my favorites and share them with you and then describe why it's meaningful to me.

This is so true for me, because it pertains to Chad...it's hard waiting but I think it'd be harder if I gave up.  I don't know, something to think about.

Everyone always says that I am so quiet and that I don't talk much, however, if you were in my head you'd probably go crazy because it's going a mile a minute.  I sit back and observe and listen to everything surrounding me.

If it's true love, it never dies!

I am slowly learning this.....I'm always willing to help others but I don't like to let others in to help me, or be there for me, I hold it all inside until it starts to "boil" over.

I am proud of myself because I have done this.  Everything that I went through, and everything Chad did I have forgiven him for, which I guess allows me to love him more.  Don't get me wrong, I haven't forgotten, but I have forgiven him.  Not sure if that matters to him, or if he believes that, but it feels freeing in my mind/heart to me.

This is my motto....and I haven't given up on him.  I still believe and I still have faith in him.

So excited! I got the Kardashian book today!

Have a good night!
</3 Krysta

I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded, that for me it isn't over

Didn't post a blog last night, needed some time to think about what I was going to say in my blog.  So Monday night Donna and I were sitting in the living room and watching TV.  My ex, Chad, had worked on Donna's van over the weekend and he did some extra work on it, so Donna wrote another check for him but he didn't take it.  Later on she insisted that he take it, and he texted her asking when he could pick it up.  She looked at me and said, "I'm going to ask him to come over now and hang out with us".  I was like WHAT? I said he'd never come over with me home.  He texts her back saying sure as long as it's okay with Krysta.  OMFG, I couldn't believe it!  Now my hearts beating super fast and I feel an axiety attack coming on.  I said, No I just can't do it.  Then she says a little while later that she made the executive decision, that he was on his way.  OMG, OMG! All these thoughts were running through my mind...I look like crap!  I'm wearing comfy clothes.  I have no make up on.  I didn't take a shower today, I just threw my hair up.  I can't do this! But, at the same time I was freaking out, I was happy and excited.  When he got here, I couldn't even look him in the eyes.  I was so nervous!  I didn't want to be overly friendly but not angry and mean either.  I'm disappointed in myself for not acting nonchalant and okay.  I guess all and all I was hoping he'd see my face and be reminded that for me it isn't over.  He left shortly after, leaving me wonder what he had been thinking.  He looked just as good as he always has.  Another thing I've been tossing back and forth is, is it easier to have him in my life as a friend? or is it easier not having him in my life at all, because I want to be more than just friends? Which way is less painful? I don't know this answer, I don't know if I'll ever find it either.  All I know is that it confirmed my feelings...I still miss him!  I was planning on writing more tonight, however I just got a disturbing and sad phone call about someone I know, so I am signing off early with a heavy heart tonight.
</3 Krysta

The Place I call Home!

Thinking about writing my blog today, I was kind of at a loss.  What should I write about? What can I write about?  Lately, I've been thinking about the people I call family and the place I call home!  I absolutely love where I live.  I live with papa, donna, malissa, jordan, josh, ollie & libby lue (my kitties), sadie & brody & bailey (the dogs) and abby (the other kitty).  I love having the quality time with my sisters, I definitely have a closer relationship with them because I live with them. I also get lots of time with Donna (my bff, confidant, and my go to person) and papa.  I love Sundays when we're all home and laying around in our pj's just watching tv and hanging out, catching up from our week.  This past week I had lots of quality time with the ones I love...see for yourself below!

Malissa and I at Uncle Vince's Funeral

Malissa and I at Uncle Vince's Funaral

Then on Saturday, Donna and I had dinner together.

We had a yummy dinner at Ihop, yep breakfast for dinner.  Then we played with Ollie and Libby with their cat teaser.

Donna and I had a nice talk tonight as well.  I just want all the people I care about to be happy...and I want them to find themselves and know what they really, truly want out of life, especially one particular person.  I just want him to be happy, to find himself, and know what he truly wants out of life.  Everything that has been going on the last few weeks/months makes me realize how much I love all the good things in my life.  I love it all it hurts sometimes, can be overwhelming.  If anyone ever has a idea or questions that I could use to write my next blog, I'm always open for ideas!
</3 Krysta

Sometimes you have to lose, til you win

Slept in again today, boy do I love the weekends...waking up to my two kitties purring and snuggling makes me a happy girl.  Did the dishes, took a shower, did my hair and make up so that I was partially ready for the funeral.  Laid down to read my new Cosmo and then Papa decides he wants to chat about my blog post from last night.  Well, he did most of the talking and I did most of the listening/crying.  We talked about lots of stuff and I think he has a somewhat better understanding about what's going on with me.  Some of the main points or high lights of the talk (and that I agree with) is that I don't need a boyfriend or a husband to define me, sure don't!  So if any of you were under the impression that I need Chad, sure don't!  Would it be nice to have him to share things with and talk to him about important stuff, sure would!  Another fact is that what happened with my parents was in the past, can't go back and change it...just have to accept it.  However, I still think that I need to talk about my anger with them, well mostly my father....my mom and I have talked about a lot already.  The main thing was that no matter what I am Papa's daughter, maybe not by blood but I am still his daughter.  He's loved me since I was 2, and me as well :)  I don't know where I'd be if he hadn't come into my life....big thanks to my mom for that!  She definitely did one thing right all those years ago!  After all that we all went to Uncle Vince's funeral...it was a typical funeral....sad.  My grandma hurt my feelings though....she is Papa's mom and I've always looked at her as my grandma, I've known her just as long as Papa....if he's my dad then she's my grandma.  I overheard her talking to some people at the funeral and she said oh you have to meet/see my two grandchildren, Malissa and Jordan.  Ouch that was a jab to the heart...made me cry at the funeral.  It was just kind of like wow, really?  During the prayer service I realized that when I die, I definitely don't want a funeral like that.  I don't want all the catholic bs with the scripted lines and prayers.  I don't want all that talk of being a child of God, and that I'll have my place in heaven and yada yada.  I want something more like Megan's "funeral".  It was a celebration of her life, nothing scripted, just down to earth.  I want friends and family to talk and reminice.  I want people to be comfortable.  And I guess I never really thought about it, but I have now...I would want to be cremated...none of that horrible make up making me look not like me.  None of that people standing there staring at me and getting more and more upset.  You know what I mean?  I don't anticipate dying anytime soon, but 2 funerals in one week kind of made me think about it, especially because Megan was only 21!  Afterwards, Papa, Donna, Malissa, Jordan, and I all went out to dinner...and then came back and waxed our hands in this hot wax that makes your hands nice and soft.  Now, Papa's torturing us by making us watch the packer game that he dvr'd even though we already know they won.  It's exciting that they are 12-0 but do we really have to watch it if we already know they won?  I have a feeling things are going to get better, slowly but surely.  A Sugarland song says it all.....sometimes you have to lose until you win.

</3 Krysta

Facing everything head on

This morning was kind of a lazy morning....kind of one of my bad days.  I have some good days and some bad, today was a bad day.  It's weird not knowing how I will feel when I wake up...am I going to be in a good mood today? or will I be in a down kind of mood day?  I slept in today, pretty late actually.  I basically laid around all day doing little things here and there.  Donna and I went to dinner because we were the only ones home.  As usual, we got into heavy subject matter.  We talked about how I got to be where I am today...and the ups and downs that I've been having lately.  For awhile I couldn't pinpoint what was wrong with me, but tonight I think I made some progress with the help of Donna.  A big part of it is Chad.....but it's not ALL of it!  I slowly am added more to the list.  A lot of it stems back to my parents.  I had a rough road many years ago and I guess I never dealt with it all.  I sort of just crammed it inside and put on my happy face.  It was hard for me when Tom (papa) and my mom got divorced....my family fell apart.  It was already hard enough not having a relationship with my biological father, but then my family broke up.  I didn't feel important....my mom chose her addiction over me, papa started a new family, and my dad chose his selfishness.  I thought back then that Tom didn't want me, but I later found out that he tried for me but my father wouldn't let him have me.  I guess I have a lot of hurt, anger, bitterness, and resentment towards my father and I haven't talked about it with him.  One day I think I will have to do that or I won't get past this hurdle.  Then many years later Chad didn't chose me either, that hurt, a lot!  Then papa started working two jobs, and I totally understand why he does that, but at times I feel like he chose work over me too.  I guess I don't feel important, I feel like I don't have a purpose.  I always knew what I wanted and where I wanted to go, but now I don't know anything.  I don't like how I look, I don't like how I feel, I can't stand school, I still live at homw, I always worry about money, and all I want to do is curl up and sleep.  Donna told me tonight that I need to face all this head on and get over the hump.  However, I don't know how to do this.  I also came to the conclusion that I am able to have a strong bond with Donna because she has put me first and made me feel important.  I think that when one thing came crashing down in my life, all the other things came crashing down as well.  By that time, I was too exhausted to put up the front any longer.  I just don't know how to get past everything and be ok again.
I pray and give thanks to all my family and friends, that they are happy and healthy.  I also pray that Chad is happy, and that maybe one day he will find his way back to me....if it's meant to be.  I pray that my hopes, dreams, and wishes come true.  I pray to be happy and feel normal again.  Everyday I wake up and it's the same shit but different day, and my hopes, dreams, and wishes haven't come true.  Yea, maybe the basic stuff like all my friends and family are doing well but what I pray for most is me and that doesn't ever work.  Then I feel guilty thinking/wondering if there really is a God...is there? Surely if there was he wouldn't have given me a rough childhood, broken up my family, took the boy I loved away many times, and then brought him back, and took him away again.  I just want God to give me a sign, do something, or grant one of my hopes, dreams, and wishes so that I can believe again.  Well, I'm off to mull things over some more.  Hope you all are well. 
</3 Krysta
PS I don't want pity, that's not why I share all of this...it's more like a therapy for me, writing it all down, getting it off my chest...even if no one ever reads it.

Blood, Sweat, and Tears

Today was a very busy day.  Started work at 10 however, I woke up early to take my truck to emissions, get my 2012 sticker, stopped at the bank, got gas, and then finally made it to work.  It was a busy, busy day!  I even got scratched pretty bad by a kitty, it wouldn't stop bleeding, and it happened right on my middle finger, go figure!  I came home after work and had a night of relaxing in mind.  I ate dinner, and watched some Gilmore Girls...I am on the last season!  I am in love with one of the characters.....I wish I could have him lol

Uhhhh isn't he just amazing? I could stare at him all day, everyday! 
Got a call from Donna a little after 8 saying that she wanted me to come to the Scrapbook Store to help her with some of her card kits for her card class tomorrow...she always waits until the last minute to finish that stuff!  She had me punching, cutting, and tying things.  Most of it was so intricate.

See what I mean? I had to punch 15 of the ruffled circles, and then punch little holes in each little divet/ruffle.  It was a pain in the ass!  And this was just one of the many things I did.  She worked me to hard I reopened my cat scratch and it started bleeding again!  Then we couldn't find a band aid, but luckily one of the girls had a little first aid kit, yay her!  I told Donna that I obviously loved her a lot because I was putting my blood, sweat, and tears into her project!  Well, it's been a long night...I'm off to read and then maybe dream of that cute guy! Nighty Night!
</3 Krysta

December Already?

First, HOLY CRAP!  It's already December, I just can't believe it!  This year went by so fast.  This year has been crazy!  Beginning of the year Donna's mom had a brain aneurysm, and most of our time was spent at the hospital taking care of her.  It's amazing to think that the day it happened the ER docs had said that she probably wasn't going to make it, and to call the family to say their goodbye's.  Well grandma is stubborn and a fighter.  She exceeded their expectations and then some.  For awhile there it was up and down...she'd get on the road to recovery and then she'd have another brain bleed.  She endured a horrible long term acute care facility, with a staff that was not very attentive to her or her needs.  She was then taken back to St. Luke's where it had all started.  She went through all her PT and then went home.  After being home for a week or so she had another bleed.  During her last bout of PT she fell and broke her hip, under the care of the hospital.  She had her hip replaced and then went through even more PT.  Today she is now home, living with her daughter Lisa and her daughter in law Heather.  Lisa quit her job so that she could care for grandma 24/7.  Every once and awhile grandma would fall and have a short stay/visit at the hospital, but she's still doing pretty well. 
Also in the beginning of the year, I had contact with my ex Chad (whom I've talked about in prior blogs). I also got promoted at work as the boarding supervisor, working full time.  I also got a new edition to my family this year, Ollie.  Ollie has been a joy to my life, he was just what I needed!  I don't talk to Chad, but a few random times.  He wanted to be friends, but I just can't do it.  I want him in my life, but I think it might be harder to have him in my life as just a friend then to not have him in my life at all.  I miss him more than you know.  He was definitely a best friend of mine.  I could tell him anything without him passing judgement.  He was always a comfort to me, and I miss that dearly.  There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about him.  Every night he plays a role in my dreams.  Some mornings I wake up angry because I had dreamt of him all night :(  He did some horrible things that I will never forget about, however I have forgiven him.  Forgiveness is key!  I was always taught to keep my hopes, dreams, and wishes alive so I haven't given up hope in us being together again SOMEDAY...not necessarily tomorrow, next week, or next month...but SOMEDAY!  Maybe by that time, he'll have forgiven himself for all the bad he did.  He's really hard on himself, and always says he's not good enough...but really he is.  I've never stopped believing in him, and I never will.  Also this year I have gained some weight, which irritates me everyday but I am definitely working on losing it.  I also bought a new truck this year, and traded in my car.  Then just recently Megan passed away, as well as Uncle Vince.  It's crazy to look back and see what all happened throughout the year.  I'm going to start thinking about my new year resolutions....when I decide on them I will share them.
I worked all day today and then came home and ate dinner.  Jordan said something funny tonight...I was ripping coupons out for KFC and Donna says to me, "why don't you just use scissors?" and I said I didn't really feel like getting up to get them, and then Jo says, "why didn't you ask your 8 yr old slave sister?"  it was really funny!  I guess we always are asking her to get this and that for us, so now she thinks she's a slave! 
Tomorrow I have to take my car for emissions and renew my plates...it was due yesterday but I am going in the morning to do that.  Hopefully I don't get pulled over before then.  I forgot to mention in Tuesdays post that I had another visit from my special friend (I think). 
Until tomorrow......goodnight!
</3 Krysta