Been too long!

I haven't written in almost a week, so I'll catch you all up to my boring life.  Wednesday last week I got some random stomach flu.  I like never throw up and I did lots that day.  However, Brandon came and watched a movie with me, and kept my sick self company.  Thanks again B!  Thursday I worked 10-6, and I can't recall anything remarkable happening.  Friday I worked 8-4, had dinner with my mom, did my laundry and met my aunt at the gym.  Saturday, I had lunch and coffee with my auntie Mary.  Then I spent the night at home.  Sunday, woke up to a weird situation...our living room recliner was moved way forward towards the coffee table and love seat.  Now Sadie uses the chair normally to launch herself into the bay window....when moving the chair forward Sadie can't get into the window to bark.  Weird thing is...I didn't move the chair, Malissa didn't move the chair, Donna didn't move the chair, Jeff wasn't home to move the chair, and neither did Papa.  Hmmm very odd right?  Then Donna and I ran some errands...we had to find a new belt for Papa.   Of course we couldn't go the mall and just get a belt for Papa.  We stopped at AE, and I got some new panties for 2.99 on clearance, yay me...oh and I new belt for me too!  I also got a pretzel, some buddy squirrel carmel/cheese popcorn and some fairy food.  I stayed up a little late last night but didn't sleep well because Ollie was waking me up since like 4am....I was gonna beat him!  Then when I wake up in the morning I like to stay in my routine....I hate when people call me before 7:35.....so if you do that, please don't...and also I hate with a passion voice mails.  Cell phones have this thing where it tells you have missed calls.  And no I am not singling out one person because many people do this so this is not directed towards anyone.  I also finished the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy!  It was sooooo good!  If you haven't read them, read them!  I worked 8-6 today...thought we'd be really slow but we ended up busy throughout the whole day.  As, for the boy department....I really don't know.  I'm leaving the ball in his court, it's been in my court too long.

Pampering

Today I worked 8-1, but didn't leave work until almost 1:30....we have been so busy with all the Easter boarding dogs.  Most of them don't go home until 4/14 or 4/16....sigh.  I came home to change and then went to the chiropractor...who is an amazing woman.  She makes my neck and back feel so much better....almost as good as a massage!  Afterwards, I was thinking that it felt so good that I wanted more pampering, so I went and got my nails filled and got a pedicure. 
On another note, I have been doing lots and lots of thinking....I've been single for awhile, just haven't found the right guy I guess.  I knit pick everything about them, but a lot of stuff are major things that I really want/need.  First of all, I love my cats, if you don't like cats.....it just ain't gonna work.  They were there before you, they'll be there after you.  Basically, you have to accept me for me...I'm not changing for anyone.  So any date I go on, I didn't really realize, but I compare all of them to my best guy friend.  So I was talking to Donna about it, and she says Krysta, you like him, it's perfect...you should try things with him.  I have thought about this for awhile but our timing was just always off, and I never wanted to cross that friendship line, and if something went bad, I'd lose him.  Donna said, if you guys have a great friendship then it'll always stay that way regardless of what happens.  So, I'm going to tip toe into all of this, and see how it goes.  Kind of nervous for the transition but we'll see I guess.  I guess I feel like he's had this idea of me, like not necessarily on a pedestal but similar and I'm not going to live up or match up to that and he'll be disappointed. 

Happy Easter

I worked 8-1 today, groomed Brody, came home and was changing my bedding (my back was feeling so good today!) and then my back went out again, really bad again.  So, basically I overdid it!  It was getting better but me being impatient decided to accomplish all this and I went back to the beginning :(
I am going to try and go to the gym tomorrow after work and just do half the amount of time I used to.  The worst that could happen is it hurts again, right? But the good news is I've lost 7lbs already...by just going off one of my medications and eating smaller portions, oh and less snacking, AWESOME!  So, I am motivated to get back to the gym and lose more weight.  Donna made an awesome dinner tonight!  Ham, mashed potatoes, stuffing, biscuits, corn, and my favorite ham gravy!  Afterwards we all seemed sleepy it seemed.  I layed in bed with Donna and read on my Nook while Malissa and Papa went to Aunt Judy's, and Jordan was fishing with Jeff and Juju.  I work tomorrow 8-6, not looking forward to that because we have so many dogs!  Sometimes I hate holidays!  Did you all see the pic on Facebook of my Ollie boy? He sleeps in the bathroom sink now...weirdest cat I know!  Now I'm off to give Bailey his meds, give Ollie his special food, and try to finish the 3rd Hunger Games book on my Nook, then to start Fifty Shades of Gray....I've been hearing it's awesome, sexy, and naughty....can't wait for all that!

New Life

I went out last night with my aunt, her boyfriend, and his son.  We went and saw a movie and then to a bar that had a live band karaoke.  Afterwards, I went back to her house and we ordered Toppers and we had the BEST delivery man ever!  My bff Chad!  I went to bed super late and woke up a few hours later, I'm very tired today, my back is killing me, and I'm very irritable.  I'm sick of people in general.  I was supposed to go to a surprise party for someone tonight with my mom and I just don't feel like going out.  When my sister came home I was vacuuming out my car, so now she got mad because I wasn't going because my back hurt but I could vacuum out my car.  Two things, I took breaks during vacuuming out my car and I just plain didn't want to go...not because it was with my mom...I just didn't feel like going today!  Don't all of you have days like that? I literally stayed in my pajamas ALL day.  This is the very first day in a long time that I just relaxed at home.  Also, if I say something in my blog and you disagree with it, offended by it, or don't understand it...ask me about it first before you start assuming things.  Sometimes I get off on a tangent or rant about something and it may come out different than what it was in my head.  I don't want people getting the wrong idea. So, please just ask....whether you comment on my post or if you sent me a private message. 
On another note, I don't know what happened in my thinking in the last few days but I am moving on...it's his loss and his regrets that he'll have.  But I have two song/lyrics that I will end with about Chad, my ex. 
I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big


And lastly,

"Goodbye To You"

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

[Chorus:]
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

[Chorus]

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

[Chorus x2]

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

 

 

Now, it's time to live my life....do what I want, when I want!  I want to be me....and if you don't like it...too bad!  This is me: I LOVE my cats, I love my family (Tom, Donna, Malissa, Jordan, Mom, etc), I love to read, I like to relax at home, I like to work out at the gym, I want to lose weight, I don't like to go out drinking all the time, I want to finish school but I don't like it, I'm a little lost, I'm a little confused, I have blondeOCD but not extreme but enough to make people nuts sometimes, I like my time/talks/vents with Momma Donna, I look for approval from Papa because he taught me to be the best person I can be, I LOVE Starbucks, I'm addicted to my Nook, I love counrty music, at this time I live paycheck to paycheck and it sucks....so this is me....if you can't accept me at my worst you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. 

Back Pain

So I slept for crap last night :( I tossed and turned and my back was stiff and hurting all night!  I could barely get out of bed this morning.  Good thing before work I had a chiropractor appointment.  She did some amazing things with my neck, spine, and back.  I was feeling a little better after that.  However, at work I over did it again and my back hurt even worse.  Work was crazy today! After work I went to dinner with my mom and grandpa.  He's going to help me tomorrow try to refinance my truck so I can get a lower payment...wish me luck!  Tonight bubby Josh helped me take books to half price books because I can't lift anything over 10lbs.  Only working 10-3 tomorrow..yay!  Short blog tonight, want to keep reading the last book of the Hunger Games. Nighty Night!

Response and Updates

When someone comments on a blog post of mine, especially one that is long and they have put thought and detail in it, I like to make a comment back to them.  Lori, Donna's sister commented on my last post....I think she is a wonderful person and I hope she doesn't mind that I call her aunt Lori.  She always has insight to many things and I wish she lived in Wisconsin because I miss her!  Anyways....I am very happy that I got all of that off my chest as well.  You are very right in saying, now where to move on from there.  This has been hard for me lately because I don't know...I'm so lost, I don't know what direction to go in, or what path to take.  Working through all of this on my blog is what I am trying to do.  I don't know if it's helping or not.  You are very right that I got through my childhood and having Papa and Donna in my life was the best gift that God gave me.  Lori, I have to tell you, up until recently I was having doubts in God, and that he even existed.  I read, "Heaven is for Real" and "The Shack" and that gave me some true insight and I don't have as many doubts.  You are VERY right when you say I've thrown in the towel and I'm tired.  I'm so very tired of life, I wish I could just fall asleep for a few years.  I am so tired of the day to day life, and all the stress.  Thank you for telling me that you are proud of me, it means a lot especially from coming from someone who is technically not my family.  I truly appreciate you noticing.  Maybe that's what I need more of....I feel like people take me for granted a lot, and I don't feel special.  You didn't say anything out of line....it was a very nice comment and reading it again now, brings me to tears...happy tears not sad ones.  I love you too, auntie Lori.  Thank you again for your comments, I truly appreciate any feedback, good and bad, I need to hear it all. 
On another note, I went to the chiropractor again yesterday and she went through my x-rays with me and explained why my back is in so much pain and also my history of headaches.  I absolutely love the chiropractor....it's funny she was the first on the list and I told myself that I'd go with the person who could get me in soonest.  My headaches have been under control as of lately..who knew I could live a almost headache free life? Getting insurance through work was the best thing I ever did.  So Monday I saw my psychiatrist, Tuesday the chiropractor, today dropped off something for my general doctor, and tomorrow I go to the chiropractor again.  My back is still in pain just not as bad.  Jordan made me feel really good yesterday...she asked me when we were going to have a night to watch movies down in my room and cuddle in bed.  That probably made my day!  I just love that little girl so much....she is so very intuitive for her age. 

Getting Past your Breakup

So I don't know if you guys remember or not but I've been reading this book called, "getting past your breakup" by Susan J. Elliott.  I randomly found it while looking in the self help section.  I picked it up read a little bit of it and decided to give it a try.  Not too long ago I posted my work that I did in the first part of the book.  I took quite a long break from the book after I did all that work.  The last few days I have been working pretty hard on the book and doing the inventories.  The book makes a big point in sharing what you have written because then it's real, in words for others to see, not just for my eyes.  I like this, but I don't at the same time, it makes me feel very vulnerable, very open for people to criticize and say mean things.  However, I am going to bite the bullet as they say and still share it.  I will take any constructive criticism (mind you, I said constructive). 

1.  Positives and Negatives of my ex partner.

Positive

• He's easy to like
• He's cute
• He's outgoing
• He's Mr. Fix it
• He knew how to work on cars
• He got along with my family
• He was good in bed (sorry if family has to read this one)
• He pushed me to do more
• He supported me

Negative

• Cheating
• Lying
• Let his friends thoughts get in the way
• Never wanted to spend time with me
• We had different interests

2. Don't really have anything useful to share with you all just a quick reflection on those positives and negatives above.

3.  Positive and Negative qualities of my mother (Now mom, when you read this you are NOT to take offense and just understand where I am coming from, I'm sure you have a list in your head about the positive and negatives about me).

Positive

• Brought Papa into my life
• Gave me a sister
• After many bad years as a mother, she is trying pretty hard now
• Pushes me to be a better person
• Pays her bills
• Started saving
• Loves her pets
• Puts up with a lot of shit with her current husband
• Tries to keep family ties (i.e. grandma)
• Talking with my aunt (her sister) again
• Sees her dad every week
• Trying to stay up to date on my life

Negative

• Used drugs
• Chose drugs over me
• Had a hand in breaking up our family
• Expects too much of me at times
• She wants me to be skinnier
• Marries assholes
• Seems to favor Malissa
• Can't see the bad in her mother
• Smokes
• Crazy driver
• A lot of times she seems very opinionated
• Mood swings
• Yells and then hangs up on you
• Doesn't always think rationally
• Immature at times
• Thinks bad of Donna

I was supposed to look at these qualities of my mother and see how they relate to my ex.  Some of the positive things that relate to my ex are: pushes me to be a better person, tries to keep family ties.  Some of the negative things that relate to my ex are: uses/used drugs, chose drugs over me, wants me to be skinnier, smokes, crazy driver, a lot of times is opinionated, mood swings, doesn't always think rationally, and immature at times. 

4.  Positive and Negative qualities of my father.

Positive

• Works on cars
• Mr. Fix it
• Decent looking (for a dad anyway)
• Knowledge of random things

Negative

• Lies
• Cheats
• Steals
• Poor father
• Credit card fraud
• Jealous of Tom
• Selfish
• Can't keep a job
• Uses people
• Non pet lover
• Manipulative
• Always has an agenda
• Doesn't realize how much he hurts people
• Used/uses drugs
• Smokes
• Doesn't pay bills
• Takes advantage /money from my grandma
• Owes everyone money
• Never calls me
• Only calls me when he needs something

Some positive qualities that relate to my ex are: works on cars, Mr. fix it, decent looking, and has knowledge of random things.  Some negative qualities that relate to my ex are: lies, cheats, steals, selfish, uses people, manipulative, doesn't realize how much he hurts people, uses/used drugs, smokes, not very good with keeping track of money, never calls/never called me, and it's all on his terms.

5.  Positives and Negatives of another person (Papa aka Tom)

Positive

• Took me in as his own
• Raised me
• Taught me to be the person I should be
• Helped me with school/academics
• Provides all we have

Negative

• Never home
• Always working
• Moody
• Seems like he hates to be home
• Always seems angry
• Not sure if he cares about all of our day to day stuff

My ex doesn't seem to have any or just one trait that matches up with Papa, that would be moody.  He doesn't match up with any positive qualities.

Negative Traits of People I am Drawn to

• Cheating
• Lying
• Let others thoughts get in the way
• Never wants to spend time with me
• Different interests
• Reckless
• Relation to drugs
• Expects too much from me
• Wants me to be skinnier
• Smokes
• Opinionated
• Mood swings
• Doesn't always think rationally
• Immature at times
• Steals
• Selfish
• Uses people
• Manipulative

Struggle I am Trying to Win

• Critical=want everyone to like me
• Home body=not always home, just have different interests
• Going back to school=want to do what everyone else wants of me
• Loose weight=between my meds and working out it's just not happening
• Emotions=want my moods to be stable
• Getting over Chad=accepting the loss (far from this one)
• Papa=accepting he's not the same Papa that I always knew, accepting the distant/crabby Papa, who'd rather be somewhere else than at home with us

Parent Inventory

• I didn't want my dad to be a drug addict
• I didn't want my dad to date a crazy ass woman, who was also a drug addict
• I wanted my dad to be a "normal" dad, but he never was
• I wanted my dad to actually be a dad
• I wanted my dad to not be selfish, and chose what's best for me
• I wanted him to not be a liar, bull shitter, and manipulative
• I've always been disappointed with just about everything he's ever done
• It's embarrassing the way he is
• I guess I want my dad to apologize for all the bad he did, all the mistakes he's made, and that he made poor decisions regarding me.
• As of now, I am unsure if I actually love him...I don't know if it's because he's my dad and I'm supposed to love him or not
• Maybe when I was younger I liked to cuddle with him but as I grew up, I got to learn the type of person he really was, so I didn't want to cuddle or be held by him.  He didn't comfort me, I didn't feel safe with him
• I didn't join barely any activities in school because I was embarrassed of him.  I needed a dad, a real dad, a normal dad.  A dad who put his kids first.
• He used drugs, I'm totally against that!
• He was selfish/is selfish
• He always used me for money
• He always used me for babysitting
• He opened 2 credit cards in my name
• I was a goody, goody and he wasn't
• I was/am school smart, he isn't
• I gave him hard times about babysitting, but I tried to not complain but he still was mad
• When I started seeing Chad, and I'd have him over, I'd close my bedroom door and he was not pleased
• When I had sex for the first time he was not pleased
• I loved Papa more and he most definitely hated that
• I failed him because I wanted to be a part of Papa's family and not his
• Papa bought me a car
• I moved out
• I still locked my door
• I kept having sex with Chad
• I went wherever I wanted, when I wanted
• Him and I could relate to some TV shows
• I helped him cook
• He let me have my cats

I can't think of any times that our relationship worked well and no good times or especially nice that specifically stand out in my mind.
*****There's some more information that was in the middle of this and the letter but a lot of it isn't pertinent.  So below is the letter that I wrote my dad, but not sending to him...just letting it all out for once!
Dear Dad, I've been thinking about this for a VERY long time.  I was hesitant and unsure of how to say these things and that you would actually listen to the words I'm saying or focus on "poor" you.  Parents are supposed to put their children first!  Did you put me first? Or any of your other children?  No you didn't!  It was always about what could benefit you and what you got out of it.  When I was younger and lived with my mom and Tom you'd say you were coming to get me, I'd get all ready (as a little girl) and wait and look out the window for you.  A lot of times you didn't come.  So to take my disappointment away, Tom would cheer me up and spend time with me.  Can you see why I'm closer to Tom?  Then years later my mother and Tom got divorced and my mom went to jail.  I didn't know this until I was 18, but Tom spent so much money on a lawyer to get custody of me, but you wanted me instead, because you wanted to be the "hero".  When in all reality that was very selfish thing you did.  If Tom legally adopted me I would have had a great life.  I would have had medical and dental insurance.  I could have gotten braces, I could have a beautiful smile, but NO you let your selfish pride get in the way...you wanted recognition for doing something "good".  Then you make me live with you and that crazy woman!  I was taken from my mom because of her drug usage, but you and your crazy girlfriend were just as bad with drugs as my mom was.  How could you do that to me?  You're supposed to put your children first!  What you did was so selfish!  Then while I was with you, you're crazy girlfriend hated me and treated me like shit.  Then both of you constantly stole or "borrowed" money from me or the other kids to buy drugs, cigarettes, or alcohol.  During those years there was so much bad that happened that this letter could go on for days.  Another big incident was when I found out you opened 2 credit cards in my name when I was 16!  What kind of father does that? When confronted you barely seemed sorry.  Then I had the option of signing documentation saying that you did that and then most likely you would have gone to jail because you were on probation and have a history of similar things.  I didn't sign that paperwork because of Liz, Jill, and Nate.  I thought if you weren't there what would happen to them?  So my decision was for them, not you.  Then when I decided to move in with my mom or Tom and Donna you got pissed.  Again, putting yourself first and not me!  In present day, you only call me when you need something, you may start out saying Hi to me, but then go into what you wanted.  I think it's been since October since I last talked to you and it's now April.  Do you remember what March 23rd is?  Probably not because you weren't there when I was born!  I got a voicemail 2 days after my birthday from you saying you were sorry, that you were busy on my birthday and didn't get a chance to call.  Seriously?  Papa works TWO jobs and still had time to wish me a happy birthday!  All or lots of my childhood memories don't involve you, they involve Papa.  Papa took care of me when I had the chicken pox.  He put socks on my hands so I wouldn't itch, also lotion.  He taught me how to roller blade.  He taught me how to ride a two wheeler.  He played basketball with me.  He took me in as his own daughter when I have no blood relation to him.  What kind of man does that?  Definitely, not a man like you.  I feel safe with him, I trust him with my money, and my life.  He makes his decisions on what's best for his children.  Maybe you can take a point or two from him.  He works TWO jobs to take care of his family.  Everything he does is for us.  He also doesn't lie, steal, or manipulate situations to benefit him.  I want you to feel the pain I feel when I think of you.  I want you to know how this has felt all my life.  To top it all, you criticize or dislike my relationship with Papa because you're jealous.  Time to face the facts, wake up and smell the coffee...you'll never be like him, you'll never even be in the same category as him.  Just accept that I love him more!  Every decision you make in life has a domino effect....now you have to face your regrets.
Krysta

I can't forgive you at this point, especially because you don't see anything wrong.

Well everyone, I know this was a long ass blog post but I worked really hard on all of this and I would love your opinions or thoughts about it.

Pain and More Pain

Saturday I helped Donna clean the house.  I did the cat boxes, vacuumed upstairs and down, cleaned the bathroom and kitchen.  When vacuuming the living room, I moved the coffee table and the recliner back and I don't think I should have done that because my back started to hurt way worse.  That night Donna took me to the ER because urgent care was closed.  They gave me a prescription for stronger medications to help with the pain.  He said that I should keep myself rested, no working out, no stretching.  Basically, I can walk dogs at work, just not difficult ones, and I can't lift anything over 10lbs.  Sunday I pretty much layed around all day because of my back.  Today I worked 8-6pm, on my lunch break I went to the psychiatrist.  She changed one of my meds.  As of tomorrow morning I will be weened off 2 of my medications...yay me! The less meds the better!  Especially getting rid of that noritriptyline, one of the major side effects was weight gain and increased hunger.  I'm totally missing the gym the last few weeks...I want my back to be better so that I can go back into my normal routine.  One of the things that has been weighing heavy on my mind is my weight.  I am eating smaller portions since I'm not able to workout.  I feel like everyone is concerned about my weight....some people make little comments here and there and it's like really? Seriously? It's  not like I'm 300lbs!  I NEED to fix what's going on in the inside before I can totally focus on losing weight...so the major thing for me to do right now, is fix my emotional status rather than my physical at the moment.  If I put my emotions and crazy stuff out of my head to the side and focus on my weight I'll probably have a crazy meltdown.  Tomorrow I go to chiropractor and physical therapy after working 8-2.