Some Days...

I know you all are going to hate this post, so I'm forewarning you before you even keep reading.  If you keep reading you can not judge or be angry.

So, some days I wish I could go back 4 weeks and 4 days.....and I'd kiss my babies and hug them like I'm never letting go.  Some days I wish I could go back 4 weeks and 3 days, the day of the fire.  Instead of going to visit Brandon, I'd stay home.  I'd watch my family leave to go to my aunts for dinner, but I would stay behind to finish getting ready to meet them there.  I could have been there when it started and have seen it start.  I could have saved my babies, I could have called 911 faster, I could have saved my family's house and more of their belongings so they didn't lose as much.  If I'd have been there it wouldn't be this bad.  If I hadn't gone to visit Brandon, things would be different.  These are my beliefs, other people have the belief that if I was there, that I wouldn't have made it out.  That I could have been sleeping and not made it out.  Or that I'd be so hell bent on saving my cats, and my family's belongings that I'd got injured or died in the process.  Who knows which way it would have went.  Some days I want it to be that I was there and saved my cats and more of the house and belongings, other days I wish it would have went the opposite way that everyone else thinks.  I feel like it's just as bad now.  Everything's all screwed up and out of sorts.  We're living in a hotel, walking our dogs on leashes (which really sucks, compared to just letting them in the yard), and living on small amounts of clothes.  Most days I feel like I'm walking around like a robot, wake up, eat breakfast, go to work, fake smile to the clients and friendly with my coworkers, come home do some more fake smiles for the family so that they think I'm ok and normal like them.  They say fake it 'til you make it.  How long does that usually take? Because I'm not sure how much longer I can fake it.  I miss my cats, I miss our house, I miss our normal life, and I miss how our relationships were. I feel like I don't belong.  I  love Papa, Donna, Malissa, and Jordan and I can't imagine being anywhere else.  Lately, though I just don't feel like I fit into the dynamics of the family.  I'm trying really hard to tell myself that it's all in my head and that everything's ok, but it's hard.  I feel sometimes that I walk into a room, and it gets quiet.  I feel like the closeness I had with some are gone, and that closeness that I had was transferred to someone else. 
Can you understand now, why I look back? Do you blame me?
It could have come out better, I could be here with my cats and my family not have lost as much or I could not be here for all the hurt, pain, and suffering I feel inside. Instead, my cats aren't here, my family lost just about everything, and I'm suffering through this.  If I could choose the cats to be saved, the house and its belongings not a total lost, and my family's time to be better now for me being gone I would do it in a heart beat, because that all means more to me, well I guess than me.  I'd sacrifice all that for them. 
So, TODAY this is how I feel....tomorrow might be different.  I might feel completely different tomorrow, I never know what I'm going to get each morning waking up.  I just wish this whole thing never happened, that it was a bad, bad dream and it's just taking a while to wake up. 
On another note, I've mentioned the Miranda Lambert song, "Over You" in both Libby Lue and Ollie's letters.  I have that song on a CD and this morning when I got into my car the CD was playing and I knew that song was coming on soon, so I shut off the CD to listen to the radio, and the next song on the radio was "Over You" by Miranda Lambert.  I was like OMG! Really?  Then later on I leave work, and 106.1 went to a commercial so I switched to a different station and when that station played commercials I changed back to 106.1 to hear that "Over You" by Miranda Lambert was up next.  I don't know why, but this was very strange to me, very weird.  Made me think that Ollie was up there trying to tell me something, but what I don't know.  I really hope with all my heart, soul, and being that Ollie does make his way back to me as this little white and black kitten that Sage told me about. 

Bye, Bye Ollie Boy

It took me a little longer to work my way up to writing my letter to Ollie, but I have finished it. It is quite long, significantly longer than Libby's was. I put a lot of time, effort and tears into it. So, here it goes. Dear Ollie, Where to begin? From the day I met you, to the day you passed, you were a little fire cracker. It was a fluke meeting you. I was with Donna picking up our concert tickets at Fedex, and HAWS was right next door. Donna I said lets go in to just see all the cute little animals. I didn't want another cat, I didn't plan to have another cat, it never crossed my mind really until I met you. We walked past you, played with you a bit, then moved on to look at the other cats. I kept being drawn to you. To this day, I can't say why it was you. Donna kept telling me I should take your sister. I said no I want him. After I felt like I needed you, I needed to convinve Papa that I needed you too.  He said no, many times, I don't know what it was that made hi say yes, but I thank him so much because in our short time together I loved you so much and we had this crazy, unbreakable bond.  The first week Libby didn't take to you very well, and you were pretty scared.  You would cuddle with me in bed.  You weren't strong enough to get through the cat door, so a lot of your time was spent in my room in the beginning.  Papa took the swinging door off the cat door so that you could come upstairs.  You walked around like you owned the place.  Jordan had that toy carrier that you loved to be in until you outgrew it.  You were such a playful boy.  Right after the first week, Libby was still staying clear of me, mad because I brought you home.  I contacted Sage.  You remember Sage right?  She talked with you about when Josh stepped on you and I had to take you to the animal er.  She said you had some lynx in your past life.  I looked up pictures of a lynx out of curiosity.  Boy, you sure did look like one.  I was going through so muc before getting you and when I got you.  Looking back I don't know what I would have done then if I didn't have you.  You helped me get over Chad, and you helped me get through my depression.  You gave me reasons to smile.  You'd be by my side the minute I got home, if you weren't, you'd be sleeping on my bed.  You'd look at me, stretch out and start purring as I bent down to give you lots of kisses and love.  I loved that you loved kisses.  I'd kiss you all day if I could.  If I could go back I'd kiss you a million times.  You went to work with me, and everyone always said you were an amazing, unique cat.  Eventually you grew enough to get through the cat door with the swinging door back on.  You got bigger, and bigger, the dogs were scared of you!  You had that saggy tummy like the lions do.  We talked with Sage again and asker her why you didn't cuddle as much anymore, you told her because when you were little you didn't know any better, but now you were like a mountain lion.  You had a very big ego and personality.  I went away for the weekend and Donna and Jordan dressed you up in her build a bear pumpkin costume and they sent me pictures.  You were such a good sport about it all.  You were so laid back.  You were my boy, you were my world, and I lived and breathed you.  When you started having some urinary problems I brought you to work to get you looked at.  We found out you had cystitis.  So, I had to put you on prescription wet food for your bladder.  It was going to cost me more but you were worth every penny and more.  You'd be so excited at night to get your food, and then in the mornings you did everything you could (knock over my garbage can, take books out of my book shelf, etc.) to wake me up to get you your food.  I loved all of my time with you, some said I was a little obsessed, maybe I was, but you were my boy, my world, my kitty soul mate.  God I just miss you so much, it hurts so bad.  It's been so hard these last few weeks without you.  I hate waking up every morning  and you're not here.  I thought I had a whole lifetime to get to know you better, to grow with you, to love you, and to be loved by you.  This wasn't supposed to happen!  It was supposed to be years and years when I did all I could for you and the last option was euthinasia.  I didn't even get to say goodbye.  I wasn't there for you, you must have been so scared.  I remember that morning, I woke up a little later, and I was getting ready to leave but I had to give you your food before I left.  You were meowing up a storm wanting your your food as I warmed it for you.  I kept saying, God Ollie it's coming, be quiet!  Those were the last words I said to you.  How shitty of me.  If I could go back to that moment, I wouldn't have complained.  If I could just hear your meowing and just you again, I would do anything.  I would have kissed and hugged you more and longer.  If I'd have known, I wouldn't have left at all.  If I'd have been home I probably could have saved you.  It's been so hard without you, and no one else understands.  They think I'm dwelling in the past.  I'm not dwelling it the past, I'm missing you, my heart hurts so much from missing you.  I'm not the same person I was, and people don't like that.  I wish you were here to help me through this like the stuff you helped me with before.  I hate laying in bed and you're not there, or waking up and you're not here.  What am I going to do without you?  Who's going to be my boy, my Ollie boy now?  It's not fair that you got taken from me in such a short time.  I wish you could have been awake and tried to get out.  I said this in Libby's letter, there's this song by Miranda Lambert that everytime I hear the chorus I think of you and usually cry, "...cause you went away, how dare you? I miss you, they say I'll be ok, but I'm not ever going to get over you."  I talked to Sage a couple of weeks ago (thanks to Lisa Walters) and she talked with you first.  You said that you didn't suffer, that you just went to sleep.  I told you that I am so sorry for not being there, and you said that I was there, just not phyisically.  When I got the call about the fire, my first thought was, Ollie, and my second thought was, he's gone.  I said I was sorry that I wasn't there to save you, and you said there was nothing I could have done.  I told you that I love you, that I miss you, and that I'd do anything to get you back.  Then you told Sage that I shouldn't worry because you were coming back to me in the next 6 months as a white and black kitten, more white than black.  My response was, "a kitten?".  I was so happy to hear that, I'd take you back anyway, shape or form, but as a kitten we get to grow together.  I asked why? Why come back to me?  You told Sage because we had a great bond, we were a good team, that we had fun together, and that I need you as much as you need me.  Grandma Josephine said that the white represents purity and how much love I have for you (hence the more white than black) and the black was where you came from and what you went through to come back to me.  So, Ollie boy, you best be on your way back to me, getting all your ducks in a row, and coming to find me.  I don't know how all that works but Sage said not to look that you'd come to me.  I just have to have patience and that you'll come. I' scared to death that you won't find me, or that I won't find you.  I'm also scared that I'll choose the wrong one.  So, Ollie boy, Ollie Ollie Oxen...goodbye.  But this only be a short goodbye and a I'll see you soon instead I'll be waiting...forever if I have to!

Love always,

Your Momma

I hope all of you can understand this letter and can appreciate my thoughts.  A lot of people say they can relate, but can they?  My babies died in a tragic incident, and I didn't get to say goodbye.  When you euthanize a pet, it's your decision, and you get to say goodbye while they are still alive.  You don't have to see them carried dead, smelling like fire and smoke, out of your house.  At that moment (at least for me), I felt like my whole world was caving in.  Some say that I lost a pet, that I need to get over it, and I can always get another one.  No one will replace my babies.  You can't begin to understand my story because you don't have my head, and heart.  You don't know how much love I hold/held in my heart for my two precious babies.  Hell, I didn't even know to this extent that I was until they were completely gone.  Living this, and losing them made all things in the past (like my love for Chad) look so, so minor.  I mentioned Sage in this note a lot.  She is a animal communicator among other things.  She is a wonderful woman, and has helped me out with my pets many times.  Thank you to Lisa Walters for introducing me to her, and helping me with this last session I had with Sage.  If you are interested or want to know more about Sage, she has a website: http://www.dancingporcupine.com/. 
Lastly, thank you to everyone who has helped me in the last few weeks.  To my BRAH family, I've never had such a workplace that has been so caring, kind, and supportive.  Special thanks to Natalie for the scrubs.  Special thanks to my boarding team members for picking up those hours of mine during and after the fire.  To Brandy, I love you girl!  I don't know what I'd do without you, you're caring means so much to me.  Your understanding and non-judgement attitude towards me, is a relief through all of this.  All of you have just reached out in special ways.  Kelsey too, you are great and you always go above and beyond for people, I love you for that.
To everyone else, my family, friends, ex boyfriends, and friends that I haven't talked to in ages: thank you for reaching out during this time, your thoughtfulness and concern hasn't gone unnoticed. 
Thanks to all the people that follow my blog, I hope this one was ok.

Bye, Bye Libby Lue

So, someone suggested that I should write a letter to Libby Lue and Ollie because I am having a very difficult time letting go and saying good bye. Why do they call it a "good"bye anyway? How is it ever good? Below is my letter to Libby Lue. I decided to do her first because I knew it would be easier than my one to Ollie. Not that I loved him more, just had a way different, unique bond with him. One last thing before I share the letter is something else I learned from this experience. My whole relationship with Chad and all the hurt, sadness, tears, and depression that came with that for the last 7 years, doesn't even compare to this. That seems so small into comparison. Plus, to help me get over him I had my babies. Now, I have nothing to help me through. Dear Libby Lue- Hi baby! How are you hunny? Remember that? I used to say that everytime I came home and saw you. You'd look at me and curl over a little because you were comfy sleeping. Do you remember the first day I got you? That day I had put my childhood kitty Ozzy to sleep. I was by no means replacing him. I got you that day to help me along in my grieving process. Man, you were my girl! You would always come lay on my chest when I was reading, doing homework, or texting on my phone. You wanted all the attention. Do you miss your favorite treat? Or do they have an infinite supply of beef jerky where you are? The minute you heard the sound of that bag, you came running! I know you and I did some "traveling" from home to home, but it all was easier with you by my side. I loved/love you so much! Just a few months ago, I found this little bump on your head, and you probably thought I was crazy and you were mad because I brought you to the vet. But baby, it was all because I love you. In the last 6 years I've cried so many times and you were there for every tear. What am I going to do now? Who's going to be with me when I cry? I could have used you these last few weeks. You and I talked with Sage almost a week after you passed and you were kind of in a limbo. You didn't know where you were, what had happened, or where your body was. Sage told you what happened. I hope and pray that you have moved on from that place. I'm so sorry I wasn't there to save you. I would have went through hell and high water to save you! I hope you know that. I know you told Sage that it was like any other day, that I had gone off and you expected me to come back later. I want you to know that it felt like that to me too. It was like any other day. If I'd have known, I'd have paid more attention to you, held on tighter and longer. I hope you aren't still upset for bringing Ollie into our lives. I know he got on your nerves but I feel like you tolerated him for me. What an admirable thing of you to do. I hope you're sitting high and mighty where ever you are, my prissy princess. My dainty little flower. I would do anything to get you back. Papa, Momma Donna, Malissa, and Jordan have all moved onto a different level than me. I'm still stuck in the shock of it all. At night, I still feel like saying, "come on baby, lets go to bed." It wasn't supposed to happen this way. It was supposed to be MY choice as to when you'd pass. You were supposed to get old and sick, and I'd have done everything I could to make you better. Then, it would have been MY choice to euthanize and get to say my good byes to you while you were still alive. Not on my front lawn, you already passed, with me sobbing while I held/pet you. Not on the dental room table with your frozen body. I didn't want to leave you. Now these days I'm walking around in a daze, pasting my smile on for everyone else. Do you know how exhausting it is to fake all that happiness? It drains me! No one sees how much I'm hurting, I keep it disguised pretty well, but inside I'm dying. No one seems to get it (minus my co-workers, because they feel the same about their pets). No one understands that you were literally my world. I lived and breathed you. You weren't just a cat, you were my baby, my child! Everyone says, "oh you can get another one." Then they say, (because they feel like an ass saying the first comment) "well it won't replace the other one but you can have another one." A human mother, losing their human child is just the same as me losing you. So, Libby Lue you were my child. I will never replace you. I've been thinking why this has been extra hard on me...I figured out that it's probably because I didn't get to say a proper good bye. If I'd have gotten that, and if it were different circumstances, I'd be so excited to get a new kitty. But the Krystatoday is broken down, laying on the ground getting kicked...and I amscared to death to get another one. Plus, I am not over you. As my newest favorite song by Miranda Lambert says "...but you went away, how dare you? I miss you, they say I'll be ok,but I'm not going to ever get over you." So, bye bye Libby Lue, bye bye baby...it's really true you're gone. I hope one day we meet again. Well, that was emotionally exhausting! I don't think I am nearly done crying, the littlest things remind me of her. Sitting here alone in bed makes me think of her because I know she would be laying right next to me curled up on the bed sleeping with me. I miss hearing her little bellon her collar when she would be walking. Her collar is now on my key chain, so I can hear it all the time, makes me feel like she is withme.

Deeper and Deeper

Yesterday was 7 days from the fire. The week felt like it was the longest week of my life! All week we've been cleaning out our house, deciding what we can try and save and what is unsalvageable. The first day was the basement with a lot of my belongings. It was really hard to see all my stuff being thrown away. I miss my cats more than anything in the world. I feel like my home family (Papa, Donna, Malissa, Jordan, and Jeff) are all moving on ok, they are seeing all the positives of the whole situation. Dont get me wrong, I totally see all the positives of it all as well. However, I feel like if Im sad or crying that I have to hide it because my family is sick of me. Im sorry that my cats were my world, and it's easier for the rest of them because they have 3 out of their 4 pets left. I know everyone lost stuff, and that the house comes first. I feel like Im being faulted because I haven't finished mourning. Then, I find out that Papa doesn't want me to get another cat when we move back in....what happened to the we'll get another kitty as I was sobbing over losing my two babies? Was that just to suffice me? Then, from the very begginning I said that I didn't want more than half my stuff replaced....I want a bed, some clothes, some shoes, makeup, some body spray, blow dryer and straightner.....I don't want a TV, bookshelf, books, or my ihome. They have already replaced my tennis shoes and my makeup, which I am very thankful for. I guess I just feel like the odd one out of the family....I feel like they don't want me. Donna and I were so close, and I feel like I'm losing her or have already lost her. I know this week has been stressful and overwhelming for us, especially Papa and Donna, but I feel like I can't go to Donna with anything, when she's the one I've always gone to. So on top of everything else, I feel like I've lost her too. As most of you know, if you've read my blog in the past, that I've been pretty down and depressed in the past, but I was getting better and was in a better place, and that was great! Now that all this happened, I'm really down. Some because of the obvious reasons and other things (like these things with my family and Donna) that I never expected at all. I feel like I shouldn't be here with my family because there's all these complaints about me, and that I should find a new place to live because maybe I just stress them out more. All I do know is that I'm sinking deeper and deeper into my depression, and no one sees it or no one knows it. I've learned that it's easier to slip back down and more down into my depression when no one else notices. I just don't know what to do anymore, I'm just sick of fighting in this game of life, I'm just not seeing the point. My family has said, thank God you weren't in the fire and that I would have died trying to save my cats....but hearing all the complaints makes me wonder if they really meant what they said. Right now I am still standing with the belief that if I was there I could have saved my cats, and if I died, I died.....I guess I loved them more than I love me.