Do you know me?

I haven't blogged in awhile but Aunt Lori said that I should keep at it and that she enjoys reading my blog. To catch all of you up on the basics on my life. It has consisted of work, work, Thanksgiving, and then more work. I don't remember if I mentioned in past blogs about the guy who just randomly disappeared at the time of the fire. I didn't know what went wrong, and I still don't. I do know that him and I have been friends for years and it took me awhile to move past that friend line. Now that I did, I don't know if I can ever go back. I want him in my life, and I miss him. I wonder what could have been and what should have been. He was the one saying not to worry because we would make it. Then he turns aroung and is the one to leave. An excuse that I wouldn't like his friends. Really? If I like him then I'd accept his friends because I care for him. I am hoping that he will come around and change his mind and come back into my life. I know mnay of you will say too bad and move on. But I believe that he truly is a good guy and I can't give up on him. I hurt my back again walking an unruly newfoundland. My back hurts so bad and the urgent care doctor just prescribed me an anti-inflammatory, which I am already on one. It doesn't seem to be helping. I've had a lot going on in my head and some that I just can't talk about. So in order to get those thoughts out of my head I need things to distract my mind from them because if I don't then I will go crazy. So I read, watch Netflix, spend some time with Donna (to free some of my thoughts in my head), and hanging out with my bff Anna. I have a lot of fun with her. About a month ago we went out and I had a blast (which I hadn't in a long time). I got completely drunk, sang, danced, and made out with a guy in the middle of the bar and all the way home. It was very liberating! There are mnay other things that I have on my mind but some don't see this so they just assume. So it brings to me the question, Do you really know me? (This all came to mind when most everyone turned there backs on me because they didn't understand my way of grieving). If you really know me you'll have answers to the following quesitons, I'd love to hear them. You don't have to comment right on my blog, you can send me a private message on facebook or you can email me at mlinarkl@yahoo.com. 1. What parts of my past do I look back on the most? 2. What is going on in my head 24/7? 3. What are my hurts? 4. What are my dreams? 5. What are my fears? 6. What are my likes? 7. What are my dislikes? 8. What do I love? 9. What is my style? 10. What are my goals? 11. What makes me sad? 12. What makes me happy? 13. What I don't like to talk about? 14. What do I like to talk about? 15. Who do I trust? 16. Who don't I trust? 17. What are my favorite hair products/make up/shampoo/conditioner? 18. What I miss? 19. What I don't miss? 20. What my favorite color is? 21. What is my eye color? 22. What is something you can admire me for? I guess I just want to know who knows me and those that just make assumptions. I do really want to hear responses to these questions. If you don't know them, give honest answers, even if they are just assumptions that you have made.

Anna, Drinks, Dancing, Kissing, More Kissing, and Sage

My title sounds pretty interesting doesn't it? Make you wonder what it all means. I haven't written a blog in quite awhile and I feel the need to do that now. I've been working like crazy! Since my last blog I've tried to stay true to what I wanted. I have completely patched things with Anna, and we have been having Wednesday night as our night. We have dinner and watch a movie or something else that we can think of. A few weekends ago Anna took me out and showed me a good time. LOL We went to a small bar downtown, then to comedy cafe, then to Mad dogs. Boy did I drink a lot! I was dancing (and I like never dance), singing, and oddly enough making out with a guy in the middle of the bar for everyone to see. I have to say it was very nice. It was just what I needed! The next day I was supposed to go to this big cat santuary, but I was not feeling so hot. I spent the day throwing up and sleeping. Not fun, but totally worth it for the night I had. If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. For 2 Sundays Donna and I worked in the basement. We got through all the boxes and ur basement finally looks like a basement. Papa and Donna put their desks up and everything looks so nice. I've had a good few Wednesdays with Anna, I missed her! I really look forward to our Wednesday nights together. I'm loving my girl time! Awhile ago I had a friend put some low lights and highlights and darken my hair a little. Well it turned out ok but I felt like there was red in it, so I tried dying over it but it didn't quite work. So since it didn't work, I ended up stripping my hair, and dying over it with a dark blonde. The dark blonde ended up a brown color, with some blonde/brassy colors in it too. So sometime soon I will be dying it again, a lighter color and hopefully it will start going back to my original hair color. I shouldn't have ever changed it. I loved my blonde. Everyone has asked about the boy from the bar, no I haven't seen him/talked to him/texted him...and no I don't care. I had a good time in the moment and that's all that matters. I want more than just a one night thing. I think I deserve a real guy who wants more like I do. But I have to ask, when is that boy coming? It'd be nice if it happened soon. I've had such a bad string of boys that I need to get back on the horse, but with a good guy. Agree? So anyone out there, want a date? ;) I haven't done much special in the last couple weeks. I think I've worked, had some time with Anna on Wednesdays and Saturday. I'm officially addicted to netflix! I've finished Grey's Anatomy and caught up to the live episodes. I've also finished Private Practice and I'm now caught up with the live episodes. I also finished Sons of Anarchy....LOVE IT! I am caught up and watching live episodes. Now I started Gossip Girls on Netflix. I've been pretty angry these last few weeks. Angry with many things that I can't really talk about, but angry is what I've been feeling! I feel like I'm made out to be the bad daughter, granddaughter, and sister. I feel like I have more people against me than I do for me. I've been thinking about Ollie and Libby Lue a lot lately. I keep thinking back on Libby that I never pictured my life without her, and then she was gone. Today I worked for a bit and then I had a session with Sage (the pet communicator). I learned today that Libby Lue is ok and has settled in the after life, she is open to the idea of coming back to me. I just have to ask her to come back....maybe a year from now or many years from now. I have to just ask her to wait for me and then when the time is right I just have to ask her and she will come to me. She knows that I talk to her everyday and cry at times. She understands that it is what I need to do to get through my grief. She feels like she didn't get to finish her "contract" with me. Ollie is not reincarnated, he is basically like a gait keeper. He imports/exports souls/spirits helps them to go through the after life and then to get out into their new lives. He is very grounded. Asher loves being with me, he lays on my chest to help ground me. He loves spending time with me. I worried that he would be upset that I talk to him about Ollie or that I compare the 2. Asher said he didn't care either way, that if I wanted/needed to talk that it's fine with him. Ollie on the other hand jumped right in and said no! He doesn't want me to talk about him to Asher. I asked why he changed his mind, and didn't come back to me and instead sent Asher. He said that he loves his job now, and doesn't want to leave it. I asked Asher if he was in any pain, (I didn't tell Sage that he had been neutered and declawed) and Sage picked up on his paws, that he was aware of them but wasn't in pain. Lastly I said thank you for talking with me, Ollie said yea sure no problem. Libby Lue said thank you and she admired that I would still check in on them. Sage said it takes a lot of courage to go back and see how your pets are doing in the after life. She said many people just forget about their pets after they pass. I came home after picking up my lunch, watched some netflix, and then took the longest nap ever with Asher....he stayed the whole time! Lastly, I have a doctor appointment Wednesday to get my iud removed and recheck my headaches. After making my appointment Donna told me that her friend said that the iud has been in law suits as of late because they've caused mental health issues. Hearing that makes me wonder, hmmm could this be anything relating to me? So out it goes! Hopefully it doesn't hurt coming out like it did going in. I'm also looking for a part time job so that I can have some extra money because I can really use it! Love you all, Krysta PS we need to find me a boy, I need some good times and some TLC ;)

I am Me

I've been thinking a lot lately, and I haven't written a blog in awhile so I figured that this is the perfect opportunity. This whole year has been a HUGE learning experience. I've learned that life is too short, I've learned that things can be taken from you so fast that you don't even have time to blink, and I've also learned who's there when all the "dust" has settled. I'm not going to lie, it's all been tough and I felt like I was drowning, but I am trying to "swim my way back up". I miss grandma, I especially miss my Ollie boy and Libby Lue, and sad that I don't get to see Donna's dad again. I've also learned that people should just accept me for who I am and not what they want me to be. I am Krysta, I am a sister, I am a daughter, I am a mom to Asher, I am a girl that hurts, I am a girl that is lost, I am a girl that is confused, I love (sometimes too hard), I love my family and would do anything for them, I love Starbucks, my favorite coffee is pumpkin spice, I love to read, I am a book junkie, I am addicted to Netflix, I cry during many episodes of Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice, I hold grudges, I can't forget a lot of my past, I've made many mistakes, I have many regrets, I've gained weight over the last few years, I'm more curvy than most women, yes I weigh more than I should and I've been beating myself up for it for months, I love being in my pj's, I love cookie dough, I like getting my nails done, I love getting pedicures, I miss my blankie a lot, I love my new bed, I miss my old things, I miss my old bed with my old blankets, I miss all my clothes and shoes that I had, I like my new clothes, I miss my old columbia jacket, I love all my new picture collages in my room, I am deathly scared of bugs, I run screaming like a little girl if a bee is near me, I love cats, dogs are nice, I work at an animal hospital, I would wear scrubs everyday and night if I could and it didn't look weird, I love to cuddle, I wish I was a little girl again, I now believe that my papa is almost always right about boys, I love my truck, I hated school, I have rocky relationships with both my parents, I am scared that I am not going to get my "happy ending", I'm scared that no one will accept me for all of what I am, but I am not changing who I am to make someone else happy.....I am Me. There are many people in my life, been in my life, or just passing through my life that don't, haven't, or hadn't accepted who I am. Because of this the ones who tell me on a regular or daily basis that I am beautiful inside and out, they don't care how much I weigh, they know all of the above and probably then some that I don't even know about me or realize about myself, they just accept me and love me for who I am. They believe that I will lose weight, that I will get passed all of the bad and find good, and that I will get my happy ending. This may hurt some people's feelings and I don't intend it to (because I know there are other people that accept me), but thanks to Donna Canzoneri I am learning to believe that I am who I am, she accepts me for all that I am, and that I should not change who I am for anyone, because if they can't accept me for who I am they don't deserve me. She has also made me realize that I've had my time to mope, cry, and be sad. And now I should take the time to be strong and "get back on the horse"...start dating and having fun again. So world, here I am....let's let the dating and fun begin.

Home, Asher, Room, and Goodies

Hello All It's been awhile since I've wrote a blog. So much has gone on and so much has changed. Let's see, I'll try to catch you all up but I might miss somethings because it's all too much. So we moved back into our house August 31st, the 70th business day....which they had told us it would be 70 days until we were back in our house. They were dead on! It was kind of funny, Ashley's, American, and Giertson all came at the same time...what papa didn't want to happen. So it was a little hectic for a little bit. Everything was moved in but we didn't stay the night because we didn't have all of our stuff. We spent Saturday and Sunday unpacking and going through stuff. Meanwhile I had Asher at my work. Asher is that kitten in my last post .....I picked him up on the 29th of August because someone else almost took him. He stayed at work until the 7th of September, and then he came home with me. Papa didn't know I had him at work until the 2nd of September. He was pretty mad, and it was a slight battle to get to bring my kitten home. I didn't have a name picked out and my mind was running a blank for a name. I found out it was a he, no fleas, no ear mites, just needed a bath. I was searching for a name that had to do with fire or ashes. Asher means blessed, fortunate, and happy. And ash is what was left of most of our house and Ollie. So Asher it was. I love him so much and he reminds me of Ollie so much. I still have days thinking about Ollie and Libby Blue and how sad I am and how much I miss them. Asher got to spend his first weekend home with me alone because everyone else was in Ohio for grandpa's funeral. It was a great time to bond and get to know him better. My room wasn't able to be set up until Thursday September 6th because we had to wait for the electrical inspector, who didn't show up the days she was supposed to. My room is all set up now.....and I LOVE it! My bed is amazing and I love my TV. It streams Netflix right through my TV. I'm officially addicted to Netflix now! My Pandora bracelet and charms were replaced and it's shiney and new. I also got a tablet which leads to my next topic...now that I have a tablet I don't need my Nook anymore....so I am selling it. I paid $250 for it brand new in February. It is the Nook color tablet. It's barely used and I'm selling it for $125 (which is a steal). I really need the money...my truck needs an oil change and brakes and I have to get some fall/winter clothes. I'm all set for summer and spring but I only have jeans for fall/winter. So if you're interested in it or know someone who is, let me know ASAP. I've just been working, settling in at the house, and spending time with Asher. Anything else you want to know? It's been weeks since I've written a blog so I may have missed things...so just comment or ask. You can see pictures of Asher on Facebook. Love you all! K

Turning over a new leaf

I had an interesting day today.  My aunt texted me because my uncle contacted her saying that he has a mom and litter of kittens that they caught at his work and are looking for homes.  The kicker is that 2 of them are black and white.  If you've read past posts you'll understand the black and white thing.  So I decided to go and see, I had every intention of going and meeting them and just be like ok you're nice but I don't feel anything.  I picked up this little black and white kitten (it hissed at everyone else) and layed in my arms and just stared up at me.  I felt so strongly for this kitten!  I don't know if it really is Ollie, but I do know something is there.  I don't know what sex it is either, but some have told me that animal spirits can come back in either male or female.  I really, really want it!  However Papa has expressed that he doesn't want another cat, but he did have them put the pet door in.  I know it's really soon because we move in to our house on Friday.  I can take it to my work for awhile and get all the testing, deworming, and what not while it's there.  I wrote a long email to Papa, in detail about how he's been, how I've been, and why it would benefit me to get this kitten.  I hope that after reading the email he will say yes I can have it.  Please pray for me....I think this is something that I need. So send out prayers and good juju that he says yes.  I already told my uncle to put a hold on the kitten in hopes that papa will say yes.

Definitely needs some tlc....bath, nt, somethings going on in it's ears and maybe a parasite....Beauty thing is I can take him to work and do all that!

Apparently God is short on angels

2012 has to be one of the worst years ever!  It needs to end fast without anything else bad happening to my family.  February of 2011, Grandma (Donna's mother) had a brain aneurysm.  She was touch and go for so long.  I didn't know her very well up until being at the hospital everyday.  Even though she was struggling with her health, I got to see the woman that she really was.  She was just a great woman, asked me how I was, about school, work, my new car, and boys.  She had an opinion for every topic and then some.  She mad it through that year, she fought damn hard, and she made.  In April of this year (2012) she took a turn for the worse.  The night before she passed away, Donna and I had the privilege to talk with her and listen to her, for the last time.  We didn't know that by morning she would be significantly worse.  That day she passed away with all of her family surrounding her, showing their love and prayers.  She wouldn't have wanted it any other way.  Then about a month or so later, I am driving back from a friends to my aunts house.  I smelt a funny smell on the freeway but kept going to get to my aunts house for dinner.  On my way there, I got the call that my house was on fire.  I was told that the dogs got out of the house but was on oxygen.  One of the cats (my parents) came out on oxygen as well.  The dogs all made it but neither of my cats made it, as well as the other one.  Our house was totalled, and we've lost a considerable amount of belongings. We have been staying in a hotel since May 31st.  It gets a little cramped with the 5 of us and the 3 dogs.  We've already taken care of most furnishings in our house, and we are planning to move in Friday the 31st.  In between all that, Donna and Missy went to Ohio to be with her dad because he was having a serious surgery.  Wednesday morning I woke up with a very uneasy feeling, but not sure why.  Grandpa (Donna's Dad) didn't make it through the surgery, they did CPR, and brought him back. They said it would be a little bit to see what all was going on with his body.  I regret to say it, but he passed away last night.  I wasn't very close to him either, but every time he came to visit he was amazing.  He always asked how my days were and how work was.  He accepted me as a grand daughter without even blinking an eye, when others have not.  He was a very funny and outgoing man and I will miss that as well.  I feel like I lost so much this year...grandma, grandpa, house, belongings, and my cats.  It's not supposed to happen like this! It is not fair that Donna has to go through all of this in one whole year, actually in a span of 4 months!  I don't know how she stays so strong through all of this.  She's got to be all sorts of mess inside.  I wish I could take on that pain so that she doesn't have to feel it.  I feel like my whole world is upside down and I don't know when it's going to sit right side up again.  It's all just too much.  I am still in shock I guess, I feel like I've accepted that all of those things are gone, but I keep thinking, are they really gone? I'm not going to hear grandma sing, dance, and sit and talk with me about just everything.  I'm not going to see grandpa sitting out on the patio in the mornings having a cigarette and telling me to have a nice day at work.  I'm also not going to get to hear him ask how work was when I got home.  I am not going to get to see my cats jumping on the bed and cuddling with me.  I'm not going to hear Ollie tearing up my room to wake me to feed him.  I'm never going to hear him meow again. I'm never going to get to say Ollie, Ollie, Oxen....there's my boy and bend down and kiss his whole face.  I don't get to see little prissy Libby Lue walking around with her bell jingling.  I put her collar on my key chain, so that I have some what of her with me.  I want to look into necklaces that you can add some of their ashes to the necklace and wear them.  I just can't believe that they all are just gone, completely GONE! The world is spinning like an amusement park ride and I can't get off.  What did my family and I do to deserve all of this? Yes I know that my family is safe and that's most important, but why my cats? why 2 things that meant so much to me, that kept me grounded and somewhat happy through the past year.  And grandma and grandpa? They really had to go too? The only things I can think of is that we are some how bad people or that "GOD" (if there is one) needed more angels.  I know this sounds selfish but take other people's people for angels.  I have trouble believing in God at this time. I question it too much, and through all of this I don't see too many things go right.  When can we catch a break? If we catch a break it better be soon and it better be huge! We deserve it! I'm also still waiting for Ollie to come back to me.  Sage (the pet communicator) is having a special with her sessions so I will be buying one so that I can speak with her again and see how far Ollie is to making his way to me.  Also, if Libby has moved on and not stuck.  I'm sure most don't believe in it, but I do....it gives me hope, something that has kept me going. 

Lots on my mind and Can't Sleep

I've had so much on my mind lately, it feels like it will boil over if anything else happens.  I feel like a repeat lots of things on each post but I figure it's easier for people reading to get caught up with my life without having to go back so far.  I've been dealing with the loss of everything up until this point of the year.  We lost grandma, then a month or so later our house had a fire.  We then lost Abby, Libby Lue, and my Ollie boy.  I miss them all so much!  I wish grandma was sitting here telling us that everything will be ok.  I also wish she was here making jokes, singing, and dancing.  I didn't know her all that long, but the time I did have, I got to learn and see the real her.  She was very easy to love.  She would also make me laugh, give her opinions on boys, school, work, and life.  It's not fair that we lost her so soon.  I didn't know I was going to feel this strongly for her since we didn't have much of a history.  All that time spent at St. Lukes with grandma made me fall in love with her.  I find myself wanting to tell her things that have happened.  Like when the fire happened, and I lost my kitties, I know she would have been there to hold me while I cried.  I know she wouldn't be judging me for how long it's taken me to come to terms with it all.  I also know that she would be defending how I feel, to just let me feel what I feel.  I don't think that anyone knows how much I do miss her.  I think about her everyday, yes really everyday.  I feel like she is here with me, trying to guide me and my spirit up above this water so that I don't drown. Through the house fire I know having her alive would have helped all of us, especially Donna.  I worry about her.  First her mom passes away, then the fire happens, loses her cat, and a majority of belongings in the house.  Now she went down to Ohio because her dad was having surgery today.  I guess his surgery didn't go as planned, and they had to do CPR on the table.  The did a CAT scan and luckily there was no brain damage.  They are cooling him off for 24 hrs and then warming him back up.  I guess this is supposed to help him.  I've known him even less compared to grandma, but what I've known of him, I loved.  He was always so kind, and thoughtful.  He is in the ICU right now.  All I know is that our family does not need another loss this year.  So I am praying and asking everyone else to do so as well, that he comes out of this ok, and has a nice recovery.  On another note, I have thinking about my cats a lot (not that I don't think of them a lot any other time, but more so lately).  I'm wondering how Libby Lue is doing, if she has moved on, and has more understanding of the situation.  I keep thinking about Ollie, and what Sage said, that he will be coming back to me as a white and black kitten.  Some people aren't sure if I should wait that out and just get another cat that I like.  However, I have always had no doubt in Sage in past conversations, but now I am being very skeptical.  I think it is more of a big deal because the information and situation are so specific of me getting him back.  I want him back so bad. I miss him more than anything. They are saying and hoping that we will be back into our house on August 31st, which is a week away.  I can't wait for move in day! Set up our rooms, and the rest of the house.  Here's what is all done or about so: wood floors, painting, trimming, breakfast bar, cabinets w/ handles, counter tops, light in the kitchen, ceiling fans in each room, bath tub placed with all surrounding decorative tile, the vanity and bathroom sink is in, bathroom floor, A/C, closet doors on, room doors on, door bells, blinds, and most of the electrical.  They need to put carpet in the 3 rooms upstairs, and mine down stairs, and then the basement floor tile.  Then they have some odds and ends to fix up and then they clean up and then we can move in.  I am being very optimistic (which I never am) that our house will be move in ready August 31st (next Friday).  I can't wait to get out of this hotel, can't wait to just let the dogs out in the yard.  I hope that grandpa will be ok, and that Donna and Malissa can be back for move in day and get to see the house all coming together.  There's been much more added to all of that as well.  I just want to be back in the house, not staying in the hotel, grandpa to pull through this, have Donna and Malissa home to be there the first day we can move in, and what I want most (of course) is my Ollie boy back to me.  He better come soon, I'm going to need a cuddle buddy and something to make me happy and laugh. 
Well I am off to bed....have to work in the morning.  Only 8-1 though.  If grandpa takes a turn for the worse...Papa will be taking my truck to Ohio, and I will use Donna's van to get to work.  I really wish I could be there with them for love and support, but I will "hold down the fort" here at "home".  I don't want the dogs boarding because they have had so much change and transitions that I think it would make them even more crazy with a crap ton of barky dogs.  Also, they aren't up to date on some vaccines.  It's just better I stay so that I don't miss work and leave co workers hanging with too much work.  I miss all of you, and I apologize for being so absent in peoples lives as of late.  I just go to work, come home and discuss house stuff, at the house, or tired as can be.  I assure you that once I am settled back at home in my house that I will start back on my normal routine of things.  I just hope all of you are understanding.

No Inspiration

Hey everyone!  I don't have much inspiration today nor an idea on what to write today, but feel like I should.  I worked until 2 today and was super busy all day long.  I literally didn't have a minute to spare.  I didn't eat a bite of food until 3:30pm! Can you believe that? It was torture!  I have semi good news, my friend Anna texted me today.  I am hoping that she sticks around.  I told her to read my blog post from last night, so hopefully that will give her some insight.  Before starting this blog post, I reread my last one...sorry for the typos and for not addressing all of the people that have helped or been there for me individually.  You all have been here the whole way through and I thank you for that.  Last nights post was basically to sum up the summer (because it will be coming to an end) and thank my immediate family (the ones I share a home/hotel with) for everything that they do and how grateful I am to have them.  They don't get to hear all the time how they really are seen.  I don't tell Papa and Donna everyday how I think they are being so strong for our family and how much they have worked their ass off for us.  I think they should get to hear it, and more often.  After posting my blog last night I felt guilty for not addressing other people, so please don't take offense that I didn't do that.  I just wanted them to know how strong I think they are.  I can't believe in almost 2 weeks we could be back in our house.  I feel excited, nervous, happy, but anxious.  Many things have been changed...hell who am I kidding? Everything in the house has been changed.  I don't know how many of you have been in my house prior to the fire but we didn't have a breakfast bar, now we do.  We had two doors to the bathroom, now we just have one.  My room had a walk in closet, and now it is pushed all the way back to the other basement wall.  Our tub was in one spot and now it's in another.  We will have all new furniture, nothings going to be the same.  I wish Ollie would be there to spend my first night back in the house with me.  I was talking to a girl at work and she said that her family was building a house years ago, and the first night it was done they camped out in the living room in sleeping bags because the furniture hadn't come yet.  If ours doesn't come, I'd like to do that too!  I am thrilled to get back in our house and not be in this hotel anymore.  After getting settled back in, I want to resume a semi normal routine. I want to wake up and do my hair and make up, make myself feel some what pretty.  I want to go to work in the morning and not be waking everyone up because you can hear everything in the hotel room.  I want to have normal dinners as a family where the food doesn't stick horribly to the pans (bad experience with Sicilian steak here at the hotel).  I want to get back into the gym and start my workout routine again.  I want to start losing weight and getting back to the "old" me.  In all of that, I'm hoping and praying that Ollie makes his way to me.  I don't think anyone understands how much I miss my boy.  I'm still trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, it's extra hard because before the fire it was already so broken...so they've been shattered.  But piece by piece, one day I'll get there.  It may seem like it's not coming for me but Papa always says that "this too shall pass".  So, this too shall pass, and my heart will be pieced back together with only small holes for the things and ones I've lost.  Hopefully, I will find a new boy and my new kitty "Ollie" that help fill those little holes so that they don't break open again. 
I always feel like I'm rambling on here with no direction, so I hope some of this has made sense.  If anyone has advice or feedback or some inspiration for me, I'm always happy to hear it. 

Summer 2012 and Fresh Start

My summer started out Memorial day weekend. We had a nice Saturday and Sunday planned out. Then Sunday we get the call that we had a house fire. It started in the basement, we lost my 2 cats and my families cat, as well as like 80% of our belongings, if not more. My whole family was in shock and devastated. The week after was a whirl wind week. We spent that week cleaning out the house, going through what we could try and save and what had to be thrown away. I think that was hard for the whole family. Having to see all your belongings gone and your house destroyed. It was hard, but for me it was harder to lose my cats and to see my family hurting. I would do anything to get that day back and for the fire to not have happened so that my family hasn't been hurting all this time. It has been very overwhelming for all of us. I feel like since the fire I checked out. I had more bad days than good. I was still in shock of losing Ollie and Libby Lue, and just couldn't believe what happened. I walked around in a daze most days. I was kind of like a robot, going through the motions but not really there. I isolated myself from everyone, even my family. They didn't even want to be around me. I was down and they were scared to say anything and be happy in front of me. I felt like I was in a different place than all of them. I felt like I was all alone. I went back to work and was overwhelmed the first day back with all the cards, gifts, and kind words from my coworkers. I couldn't ask for better coworkers, they have been a good pillar for me. Even the day of the fire many people came to show their support, and I know it meant a lot to all of us. For the first few weeks, maybe even a month, I was still caught in my depression and isolation. It seems easier to do that than have to talk about it all. Having to see friends with their pets and all made me sad and jealous. It is not their fault, just me. This whole summer I am still sad and hurting for my cats, but I think I'm slowly getting better, I'm having more good days. The hotel has a pool, breakfast, sometimes dinner, a small gym, and sometimes dinner. Those are all some good aspects. I've went swimming, layed out in the sun, got a nice little tan going, went to the zoo, went to the Dells, shopping for furniture, but mostly doing inventory. I've been living, eating, sleeping inventory...seems like it never ends. It's so tedious and takes quite a bit of time. I became unisolated from my family with many talks.

However, I stayed isolated to many others, especially my friends. Like I said earlier, it's easier that way. I've also gained more weight, that gets me down, which makes me not want to do anything with friends either, because I feel like a fat cow. I am probably repeating things I've already in past blogs but I guess I want it all together. In the last week, I've had a a double whammy. My friend Anna told me she no longer wanted to be my friend anymore, because I don't call or text, don't respond to messages, and that I am ungrateful. I can assure you that I am not ungrateful. I appreciate everything that has been done for me. I told her that I wanted to sit down and talk about things and try to make her understand me and for her to try to make me understand her. She told me no, that she's going her way, that I should go mine, and go on with our lives separately. I don't agree with this at all. I don't want to lose my friend. I am hoping that she changes her mind. I also hope one day (hopefully sooner rather than later) she can understand these last few months and how its effected me. I don't think there is a protocol book that tells you, your family, or the situation how to handle it all. I've been trying to work on me, and get to a better place so that I can be a true family member and friend again. I was caught up in reading pet books to get some inspiration and insight into the loss of them. So to my friend Anna (yes, no matter what you say I still consider you my friend), I met you years ago, and we just hit it off. We've had many good times and many laughs. You've also been there through my tears of heartbreak of boys. I though that was going to be the hardest think to lose, but I soon learned that the loss of other things means way more to me. I'm sorry that I isolated myself, and wasn't a very good true friend. I was neglectful towards our relationship, and should have done more. I wish there was a better way to explain all of this in a better way that will make you understand, but not make it sound like an excuse. After speaking to Donna about this, because it made me really sad she told me that she has isolated herself from many, many friends....said it's just easier that way. Our heads are going a mile a minute about everything. When I did talk to you, I neglected to ask how things were with you. I was so wrapped up in my drama that I was selfish and only cared about getting what I needed out. That was horrible of me to do. I don't have many girlfriends, and you were the one that I turned to most. So Anna, please reconsider and help me back into a normal life. I promise I am moving out of the isolation stage. I can be on the other side and imagine how you must feel. I would be pissed too. What can I do to get you back? I need my girl friend, and I need her ASAP.

Another whammy that I had the day before, was Chad (my friend, and whom I was seeing for awhile and crossed that friend line with). He basically told me that we would have never worked because I wouldn't have liked any of his friends and that he has a lot going on right now. He has a lot going on right now? Hahaha I just can't believe he said that. He was supposed to at least be my friend after the fire and I didn't hear a word for him...and if I did it was very short answers to emails/texts that I sent him. This is very sad and disappointing. I think his excuse was a poor, pathetic ass excuse. So I lost my two best friends in the matter of days.

So this summer is a summer of loss. I am super stressed about money, the house, my family, Anna, chad, and everything else that adds to all of that. Can I catch a break? Oh, forgot to mention that I've had issues with my dad....he took out a parent plus loan for school for me and they are bugging him to pay it, he told me that I need to get the shit taken care of because he's trying to buy a house. He told my grandpa that he was getting evicted and that they were going to garnish his wages. Few things: his credit is already bad, he just filed bankruptcy, and an action would have been filed to garnish wages. Years ago, he opened two credit cards in my name at the age of 16. How the hell he did that I don't know. Not many people know this but I am so angry with him that I am spilling it all because it makes me feel like a weight has been lifted. I told him, how does it feel? It took me years to better and gain my credit. I could have signed the paperwork and he would have been punished through the legal system. But I gave him the out and I took the hit. I did that for my siblings. He also borrows money from everyone in our family and assures them that he will pay them back. Has he paid any of you back? I highly doubt it! He is very manipulative and tries to get something so that it will benefit him, and only benefit him. While I was at it, I figured, why not go all the way and tell him what else angers me. I told him that he should have given custody of me to Tom and Donna back then. I could have had health insurance, dental insurance, and braces. I could have had a lot more things that they could give to me that he couldn't. Instead he was selfish, I believe that he wanted to look like the good guy, the hero, taking me in because my mother was failing at the time. What kind of parent does that to their child? Don't they want the best for their children? I know as a parent you have to make tough decisions but it has to be done. And truth be told, I would have had it better with papa and Donna. I live with them now, and I feel like home. I feel like a family, I feel like Papa is a goo father, no not just good, great! We may have our differences or don't see eye to eye on things, or my disappointments to him. Through all that though, he proves to be a good father, a great father. He provides for his family, and his "girls" come first. He makes sure we have not only what we need but things we want, things that would be nice to have. We are spoiled...us girls are really spoiled. It's been a rough road but I believe as a family we will get through this and be OK, maybe even better. I am getting a great new bed and other furniture for my room, I'm lucky to have them and what they are doing for us all.

My walls are painted, as is the rest of the house, bath tubs in, new windows are in, cabinets are hung, some closet doors on, and patio is layed. We just go the news today that they will be finished by May 30th! That is a little over 2 weeks....I never thought this day would come. I'm excited to be back "home" but scared because it's all going to be new. I'm not the type that likes change so it will be another hurdle for me...but I believe I can jump this hurdle.

I talked with Sage a week after the fire (the pet communicator, not sure if anyone believes in that, but I do) and we talked to Ollie, Libby Lue, and Abby (the 3 cats that passed). Libby was stuck in a limbo not sure what happened. Abby was happy and was staying where she was. Ollie was not mad at me (nor was Libby) and he said he was coming back to me within 6 months as a black and white kitten. I am not supposed to find him, he will come to me. In the past, I have never doubted Sage and her abilities. Now, I am skeptical....because what if he doesn't come back? What if it's all bs? He is my person. For those of you that watch Grey's Anatomy you'll get this...but he really is my person. So I NEED him back. He's going to come back and lead me through this mess and stay with me for a very long time. I try to think of things I am thankful for now so I'd like to address some of the people.

To Papa: I don't know how you do it, you are so strong. You have kept this family together, and worked your ass off to make sure we are taken care of in this time. I know you are a ball of stress, but you don't show it very much. Know that you do a great job of it, and that you are a wonderful dad. Know how thankful we are to have you. Know how grateful we are to have you. You are our pillar, and you're trying to pick up the pieces. You've always told us that Papa can fix everything, but one thing, you can't take away a broken heart. But you damn well try to help put the pieces of my heart back together. Thank you for being so patient with me and giving me the time I need.

To Donna: You are my person, person. My go to, has an answer for everything. You can help me solve any problem. You are also a pillar, and kept this family together. I am grateful to have you and appreciate everything you do. You are always there to listen and dry my tears. You give me words of encouragement and believe that Ollie is coming back to me, even if I am skeptical. Knowing you believe, gives me more hope. Hope is keeping me going.

To Malissa: you are my sissy, the one I share the bed with. Ha, not going to lie it has been tough. Sharing a room, and a bed. I'm OCD about organization and making the bed. You on the other hand are not. It has been interesting, but we work through it. Thank you for putting up with my crazy OCD. Thanks for listening. Thanks for having a fun weekend in the dells...it will be a great memory. It's going to be weird moving back in, not sleeping with you. You have also been strong through all this...give some of your strength to me please. Love you sissy!

To Jordan: oh Jojo, thank you for telling me I'm pretty all the time, it truly means a lot. We have our bad moments lately, and I think it has to do with our confined place, but you have been a strong little girl as well. It's been a tough 2 years and you've come right through it. You will be a great Young woman one day.

As to other family members and friends: I thank you for all your support and help. For a weekend in the Dells and watching episodes of True Blood with me, and for understanding my isolation....couldn't do it without you all.

Thanks for reading so much.....and you'll be hearing more soon as the house gets finished. 

Sorry

I am so sorry to all of you that read my blog.  I have been so busy and not very enthused to write a blog post.  Things have been kind of crazy.  The house is coming along.  The walls are getting painted, flooring is being put in, windows...and all that other stuff.  I picked out my bedroom furniture and  I think I am in love with my new mattress....I can't wait to sleep on it!  Nothing too knew, went to the Dells for a weekend which was nice.  Not as nice as it would be because it was going from a hotel room to a hotel room, but it was nice non the less.  Works been busy.  I'm back on my mission of working out and losing weight, I need to.  I'm missing my kitties like crazy.  I'm waiting for my Ollie boy to come back to me.  Sage said in the next 6 months and that he would find me, that I can't look.  I'm sick of waiting, I just want him back so much it hurts.  Emotionally I have been pretty good..I have my moments, but my moments are now left to when I am alone.  I don't want others to see them, might get them irritated or angry again.  I miss our house, I miss letting the dogs out in the yard and not having to walk them and get tied up like a mummy, I miss my room, I miss my bed, I miss my blankie, I miss my books, I miss my bookshelf, I miss my clothes, I miss my ihome, but mostly I miss being home as a family in our living room watching one of our shows....that and missing my cats more than anything.  I miss all that stuff (belongings wise) but it's not all that important to me.  We all miss what we used to have, I hate change.  New stuff is nice but I'd give up all of it to just have my cats back and all my old stuff.  Also, let me tell you, hotel life isn't all that great...maybe for like a week or 2 but after that it sucks!  Another side note, if you've texted me, called me, or tried to contact me in these last few months and I haven't responded or declined invitations to get together, don't take it personally...we've been working on our inventory for our house like crazy.  I live, breathe, and sleep inventory. I even think about it when I am at work.  If I'm not doing it, I am thinking about it.  I hope all is well with everyone though.  Hopefully soon I'll have pictures of the house being finished and my room and all that.

Researching and on the road

Hello Everyone!  I haven't blogged in awhile so I have a lot to say on this one I think.  So let's see some of my last blogs were my letters to Ollie and Libby Lue, the one about wishing things were different, and then recently the one that was addressed about miscommunication and what not.  This last week I have been doing really well.  I think I am slowly on the road to getting better.  Speaking of that, I was doing some research about grief in general and grief about pet loss. 
Here is what I learned about grief in general:

Grief

Mourning; Grieving; Bereavement

Grief is a reaction to a major loss. It is most often an unhappy and painful emotion.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

Grief may be triggered by the death of a loved one. People also can experience grief if they have an illness for which there is no cure, or a chronic condition that affects their quality of life. The end of a significant relationship may also cause a grieving process.

Everyone feels grief in their own way. However, there are common stages to the process of mourning. It starts with recognizing a loss and continues until a person eventually accepts that loss. People's responses to grief will be different, depending on the circumstances of the death.
For example, if the person who died had a chronic illness, the death may have been expected. The end of the person's suffering might even have come as a relief. If the death was accidental or violent, coming to a stage of acceptance might take longer.

Symptoms

One way to describe grief is in five stages. These reactions might not occur in a specific order, and can (at times) occur together. Not everyone experiences all of these emotions:

• Denial, disbelief, numbness
• Anger, blaming others
• Bargaining (for instance "If I am cured of this cancer, I will never smoke again.")
• Depressed mood, sadness, and crying
• Acceptance, coming to terms

People who are grieving may have crying spells, some trouble sleeping, and lack of productivity at work.

Signs and tests

Your health care provider will perform a physical exam and ask questions about your symptoms, including your sleep and appetite. Symptoms that last for a while may lead to clinical depression.

Treatment

Family and friends can offer emotional support during the grieving process. Sometimes outside factors can affect the normal grieving process, and people might need help from:

• Clergy
• Mental health specialists
• Self-help groups
• Social workers

The acute phase of grief usually lasts up to 2 months. Some milder symptoms may last for a year or longer. Psychological counseling may help a person who is unable to face the loss (absent grief reaction), or who has depression with grieving.

Support Groups

You can help the stress of grieving by joining a support group, where members share common experiences and problems.
See also:

• Loss of a child - support group
• Loss of a spouse - support group

Expectations (prognosis)

It may take a year or longer to overcome strong feelings of grief, and to accept the loss.

Complications

Grief and loss can affect your overall health. It can lead to depression or excessive alcohol or drug use. Grief that lasts for more than 2 months and is severe enough to interfere with your daily life may be a sign of complicated grief and more serious illness, such as major depression. Medication may be helpful.

Here is what I learned on pet loss grief:
Anyone who considers a pet a beloved friend, companion, or family member knows the intense pain that accompanies the loss of that friend. Following are some tips on coping with that grief, and with the difficult decisions one faces upon the loss of a pet.

1. Am I crazy to hurt so much?

Intense grief over the loss of a pet is normal and natural. Don't let anyone tell you that it's silly, crazy, or overly sentimental to grieve!

During the years you spent with your pet (even if they were few), it became a significant and constant part of your life. It was a source of comfort and companionship, of unconditional love and acceptance, of fun and joy. So don't be surprised if you feel devastated by the loss of such a relationship.

People who don't understand the pet/owner bond may not understand your pain. All that matters, however, is how you feel. Don't let others dictate your feelings: They are valid, and may be extremely painful. But remember, you are not alone: Thousands of pet owners have gone through the same feelings.

2. What Can I Expect to Feel?

Different people experience grief in different ways. Besides your sorrow and loss, you may also experience the following emotions:

• Guilt may occur if you feel responsible for your pet's death-the "if only I had been more careful" syndrome. It is pointless and often erroneous to burden yourself with guilt for the accident or illness that claimed your pet's life, and only makes it more difficult to resolve your grief.
• Denial makes it difficult to accept that your pet is really gone. It's hard to imagine that your pet won't greet you when you come home, or that it doesn't need its evening meal. Some pet owners carry this to extremes, and fear their pet is still alive and suffering somewhere. Others find it hard to get a new pet for fear of being "disloyal" to the old.
• Anger may be directed at the illness that killed your pet, the driver of the speeding car, the veterinarian who "failed" to save its life. Sometimes it is justified, but when carried to extremes, it distracts you from the important task of resolving your grief.
• Depression is a natural consequence of grief, but can leave you powerless to cope with your feelings. Extreme depression robs you of motivation and energy, causing you to dwell upon your sorrow.

3. What can I do about my feelings?

The most important step you can take is to be honest about your feelings. Don't deny your pain, or your feelings of anger and guilt. Only by examining and coming to terms with your feelings can you begin to work through them.

You have a right to feel pain and grief! Someone you loved has died, and you feel alone and bereaved. You have a right to feel anger and guilt, as well. Acknowledge your feelings first, then ask yourself whether the circumstances actually justify them.

Locking away grief doesn't make it go away. Express it. Cry, scream, pound the floor, talk it out. Do what helps you the most. Don't try to avoid grief by not thinking about your pet; instead, reminisce about the good times. This will help you understand what your pet's loss actually means to you.

Some find it helpful to express their feelings and memories in poems, stories, or letters to the pet. Other strategies including rearranging your schedule to fill in the times you would have spent with your pet; preparing a memorial such as a photo collage; and talking to others about your loss.

4. Who can I talk to?

If your family or friends love pets, they'll understand what you're going through. Don't hide your feelings in a misguided effort to appear strong and calm! Working through your feelings with another person is one of the best ways to put them in perspective and find ways to handle them. Find someone you can talk to about how much the pet meant to you and how much you miss it-someone you feel comfortable crying and grieving with.

If you don't have family or friends who understand, or if you need more help, ask your veterinarian or humane association to recommend a pet loss counselor or support group. Check with your church or hospital for grief counseling. Remember, your grief is genuine and deserving of support.


Basically what this is saying is that everyone grieves at a different rate and different ways.  I happen to be in the category that takes a bit longer, that is just my personality.  So, baby steps it is.  Yes, I miss them, Yes I am still angry....but who wouldn't be? I can be angry and miss them and still be getting better at the same time....I am not letting either of those things consume me. If I were than I wouldn't be a very functional person.  I think I am doing pretty well, and I guess my opinion of myself is all that matters because it will get me through this.  No one knows me better than me. 

Looking Back

Every once and awhile, I look back and read some of my blogs...kind of gives you a perspective on those days and your feelings at that time.  Looking back at the last few posts of mine, I feel like I didn't explain myself and everything good enough, or that I mislead people to something I didn't mean.  It's been 5 weeks since the fire, and I feel like everyday I get a little better.  Some days are bad, but I'm really trying to go up and head in the right direction.  I hope that I can explain things a little better today, now that I am feeling different. 
I think I lead everyone who reads my blog to believe that I'd choose Ollie over anything, or that I loved him more than someone.  That's not true.  I love all my family and friends just as much as I love Ollie.  When I'm talking about missing him and the loss of him, I'm comparing the loss to other losses, like Chad.  Yes I loved Chad (still do), and yes I love Ollie...I loved them both.  However, sitting down here today looking at the LOSS of Chad compared to the LOSS of Ollie, losing Ollie hurts way more in my heart than it does for Chad.  I emphasis on LOSS, because loss is different than love.  So here's another example: if I were to lose one of my sisters and lose Ollie, the loss of my sister would be way more painful than my loss of Ollie.  I haven't lost many things/people that are close to me, so I can only compare Ollie to what I have lost, which for example is Chad.  Does this make more sense than prior posts?
Also, looking back on posts...I can see myself coming off as whiney to others, that it's all about me and I lost my cats and yada yada yada.  I am not whining to get attention, I am not whining to have people feel sorry for me, and I am not whining just to whine.  I am simply voicing my thoughts out here on my blog as a sort of therapy for me.  I can't necessarily say all of these thoughts to people because it's way overwhelming for me to think about, I don't want to put my problems on others, so I voice it on here.  Whether you read this or not, this is for me to get some of my feelings out of my head and body, so that I don't just explode into one huge ball of mess.
I guess, put yourself in my shoes....it's a hard thing to do, you probably can't, because it's not happening/happened to you.  Maybe I love my pets harder than most people, but should I get faulted for that?  When it comes time for any of you to lose a pet, should I fault you for being sad? Everyone grieves at a different rate and in many different ways.  So what, it's been 5 weeks and I'm not completely over it.  Everyday I try to get a little better...I take one day at a time.  I'm the type to wear my heart on my sleeve, and I can cry on the drop of a dime, that's who I am though...should I change who I am because other people don't like to see me cry? I wouldn't expect that from anyone I know, so it shouldn't be expected of me.
Another thing, I want to see my friends, coworkers, and family happy.  I love seeing others around me happy, especially if I helped in any way.  You all don't have to act sad, or tip toe around me, I'm OK with all of that.  I don't want anyone to think they can't tell me a cute story about their pets, I love to hear about it.  Brandy, tells me all the time at work the new things her cats are doing.  Yes, it makes me think of my cats, of course it would.  However, you telling me the story doesn't make me mad or you didn't make me sad...just a little thought or similar act of your pet can make me think of mine that I lost.  Not every time will it make me tear up, sometimes I will laugh and smile, others it might be a little more sentimental and close to my heart....but this can happen to anyone. 
I just want to note that yes, I lost my cats, yes, I lost belongings, but my family lost a pet too, they lost belongings too, we lost our house, but most importantly, Papa and Donna lost everything that they have worked for, for years and years.  Going through this I can say that they have to be the strongest people I know.  They've had to carry our burdens and more so their own, and they carry them well.  They barely ever show a weak moment, and they have every right to a weak moment.  I just hope they know how important they are to me, and how strong I think they are for holding the family together along with trying to get our lives and our house back on track.
I want to admit that I am jealous of Papa, Donna, and Malissa.  I've felt jealous from day one.  They each got a pet that was saved and that they have through all of this.  I know they lost Abby too, but I am still jealous.  I am not angry at them, how could I be? They didn't do this or decide it, it was a chance by fate.  Some will say, Gods will.  I'm happy for them, that they each got their pups.  I love all three of those pups too.  I guess what I've been trying to get out is that I am so angry with God for all of this.  I am just sooo angry, the anger consumes me at times.  Right now, I don't have much faith in God.  I need him to show/give me something so that I can start building my faith up and getting back on track.  (Aunt Lori, I'm sorry, I know this part of the blog upsets you, or at least I think it will)
Lastly, I want to thank each and everyone of you for everything you've done or said to me or for me these last 5 weeks.  None of it has gone unnoticed or not appreciated.  I couldn't be doing this without all of you.  Obviously to Papa and Donna for being wonderful parents, getting through this, building our house again, holding the family together, and being here for each one of us girls. To my mom, you've been very nice to talk to and our dinners take my mind away a little, so thank you.  To Lisa Walters, thank you for the session with Sage, dinner talks, and texting me to see how it's going.  It means a lot to me, and I know you can relate to me because you understand the whole pet soul mate thing.  You also bring in a neutral bias and different sides to every situation...so for all that I thank you.  To my sister Malissa, thank you for putting up with me these last few weeks....for sharing a room/bed with me, for listening to me talk, for being there when I cry, and being there as I'm trying to "get back up", mostly thanks for your patience and understanding.  I love you!  To Aunt Judy, you were there since day 1 and you are still here today...thank you for everything you've done since then.  To Aunt Mary, thank you for being there whenever I need you, whenever I need to talk to you, for being a distraction and keeping my mind off things at times, for listening to me when I need to talk, for being there when I cry and understanding the whole situation.  To Aunt Anna, your love goes a long way to me...thank you for the hugs, the laughs, for shopping all over for yarn, letting me watch True Blood at your place, and for just being there for me all the time.  To all my coworkers, you all have been supportive in every way.  You can sympathize in every way how I am feeling, and you get that it hurts a lot, and you get that it will take some time to get better.  You guys are great, and I couldn't imagine a better team than all of you at BRAH.  Thanks to all but not necessarily in that order of people.

Some Days...

I know you all are going to hate this post, so I'm forewarning you before you even keep reading.  If you keep reading you can not judge or be angry.

So, some days I wish I could go back 4 weeks and 4 days.....and I'd kiss my babies and hug them like I'm never letting go.  Some days I wish I could go back 4 weeks and 3 days, the day of the fire.  Instead of going to visit Brandon, I'd stay home.  I'd watch my family leave to go to my aunts for dinner, but I would stay behind to finish getting ready to meet them there.  I could have been there when it started and have seen it start.  I could have saved my babies, I could have called 911 faster, I could have saved my family's house and more of their belongings so they didn't lose as much.  If I'd have been there it wouldn't be this bad.  If I hadn't gone to visit Brandon, things would be different.  These are my beliefs, other people have the belief that if I was there, that I wouldn't have made it out.  That I could have been sleeping and not made it out.  Or that I'd be so hell bent on saving my cats, and my family's belongings that I'd got injured or died in the process.  Who knows which way it would have went.  Some days I want it to be that I was there and saved my cats and more of the house and belongings, other days I wish it would have went the opposite way that everyone else thinks.  I feel like it's just as bad now.  Everything's all screwed up and out of sorts.  We're living in a hotel, walking our dogs on leashes (which really sucks, compared to just letting them in the yard), and living on small amounts of clothes.  Most days I feel like I'm walking around like a robot, wake up, eat breakfast, go to work, fake smile to the clients and friendly with my coworkers, come home do some more fake smiles for the family so that they think I'm ok and normal like them.  They say fake it 'til you make it.  How long does that usually take? Because I'm not sure how much longer I can fake it.  I miss my cats, I miss our house, I miss our normal life, and I miss how our relationships were. I feel like I don't belong.  I  love Papa, Donna, Malissa, and Jordan and I can't imagine being anywhere else.  Lately, though I just don't feel like I fit into the dynamics of the family.  I'm trying really hard to tell myself that it's all in my head and that everything's ok, but it's hard.  I feel sometimes that I walk into a room, and it gets quiet.  I feel like the closeness I had with some are gone, and that closeness that I had was transferred to someone else. 
Can you understand now, why I look back? Do you blame me?
It could have come out better, I could be here with my cats and my family not have lost as much or I could not be here for all the hurt, pain, and suffering I feel inside. Instead, my cats aren't here, my family lost just about everything, and I'm suffering through this.  If I could choose the cats to be saved, the house and its belongings not a total lost, and my family's time to be better now for me being gone I would do it in a heart beat, because that all means more to me, well I guess than me.  I'd sacrifice all that for them. 
So, TODAY this is how I feel....tomorrow might be different.  I might feel completely different tomorrow, I never know what I'm going to get each morning waking up.  I just wish this whole thing never happened, that it was a bad, bad dream and it's just taking a while to wake up. 
On another note, I've mentioned the Miranda Lambert song, "Over You" in both Libby Lue and Ollie's letters.  I have that song on a CD and this morning when I got into my car the CD was playing and I knew that song was coming on soon, so I shut off the CD to listen to the radio, and the next song on the radio was "Over You" by Miranda Lambert.  I was like OMG! Really?  Then later on I leave work, and 106.1 went to a commercial so I switched to a different station and when that station played commercials I changed back to 106.1 to hear that "Over You" by Miranda Lambert was up next.  I don't know why, but this was very strange to me, very weird.  Made me think that Ollie was up there trying to tell me something, but what I don't know.  I really hope with all my heart, soul, and being that Ollie does make his way back to me as this little white and black kitten that Sage told me about. 

Bye, Bye Ollie Boy

It took me a little longer to work my way up to writing my letter to Ollie, but I have finished it. It is quite long, significantly longer than Libby's was. I put a lot of time, effort and tears into it. So, here it goes. Dear Ollie, Where to begin? From the day I met you, to the day you passed, you were a little fire cracker. It was a fluke meeting you. I was with Donna picking up our concert tickets at Fedex, and HAWS was right next door. Donna I said lets go in to just see all the cute little animals. I didn't want another cat, I didn't plan to have another cat, it never crossed my mind really until I met you. We walked past you, played with you a bit, then moved on to look at the other cats. I kept being drawn to you. To this day, I can't say why it was you. Donna kept telling me I should take your sister. I said no I want him. After I felt like I needed you, I needed to convinve Papa that I needed you too.  He said no, many times, I don't know what it was that made hi say yes, but I thank him so much because in our short time together I loved you so much and we had this crazy, unbreakable bond.  The first week Libby didn't take to you very well, and you were pretty scared.  You would cuddle with me in bed.  You weren't strong enough to get through the cat door, so a lot of your time was spent in my room in the beginning.  Papa took the swinging door off the cat door so that you could come upstairs.  You walked around like you owned the place.  Jordan had that toy carrier that you loved to be in until you outgrew it.  You were such a playful boy.  Right after the first week, Libby was still staying clear of me, mad because I brought you home.  I contacted Sage.  You remember Sage right?  She talked with you about when Josh stepped on you and I had to take you to the animal er.  She said you had some lynx in your past life.  I looked up pictures of a lynx out of curiosity.  Boy, you sure did look like one.  I was going through so muc before getting you and when I got you.  Looking back I don't know what I would have done then if I didn't have you.  You helped me get over Chad, and you helped me get through my depression.  You gave me reasons to smile.  You'd be by my side the minute I got home, if you weren't, you'd be sleeping on my bed.  You'd look at me, stretch out and start purring as I bent down to give you lots of kisses and love.  I loved that you loved kisses.  I'd kiss you all day if I could.  If I could go back I'd kiss you a million times.  You went to work with me, and everyone always said you were an amazing, unique cat.  Eventually you grew enough to get through the cat door with the swinging door back on.  You got bigger, and bigger, the dogs were scared of you!  You had that saggy tummy like the lions do.  We talked with Sage again and asker her why you didn't cuddle as much anymore, you told her because when you were little you didn't know any better, but now you were like a mountain lion.  You had a very big ego and personality.  I went away for the weekend and Donna and Jordan dressed you up in her build a bear pumpkin costume and they sent me pictures.  You were such a good sport about it all.  You were so laid back.  You were my boy, you were my world, and I lived and breathed you.  When you started having some urinary problems I brought you to work to get you looked at.  We found out you had cystitis.  So, I had to put you on prescription wet food for your bladder.  It was going to cost me more but you were worth every penny and more.  You'd be so excited at night to get your food, and then in the mornings you did everything you could (knock over my garbage can, take books out of my book shelf, etc.) to wake me up to get you your food.  I loved all of my time with you, some said I was a little obsessed, maybe I was, but you were my boy, my world, my kitty soul mate.  God I just miss you so much, it hurts so bad.  It's been so hard these last few weeks without you.  I hate waking up every morning  and you're not here.  I thought I had a whole lifetime to get to know you better, to grow with you, to love you, and to be loved by you.  This wasn't supposed to happen!  It was supposed to be years and years when I did all I could for you and the last option was euthinasia.  I didn't even get to say goodbye.  I wasn't there for you, you must have been so scared.  I remember that morning, I woke up a little later, and I was getting ready to leave but I had to give you your food before I left.  You were meowing up a storm wanting your your food as I warmed it for you.  I kept saying, God Ollie it's coming, be quiet!  Those were the last words I said to you.  How shitty of me.  If I could go back to that moment, I wouldn't have complained.  If I could just hear your meowing and just you again, I would do anything.  I would have kissed and hugged you more and longer.  If I'd have known, I wouldn't have left at all.  If I'd have been home I probably could have saved you.  It's been so hard without you, and no one else understands.  They think I'm dwelling in the past.  I'm not dwelling it the past, I'm missing you, my heart hurts so much from missing you.  I'm not the same person I was, and people don't like that.  I wish you were here to help me through this like the stuff you helped me with before.  I hate laying in bed and you're not there, or waking up and you're not here.  What am I going to do without you?  Who's going to be my boy, my Ollie boy now?  It's not fair that you got taken from me in such a short time.  I wish you could have been awake and tried to get out.  I said this in Libby's letter, there's this song by Miranda Lambert that everytime I hear the chorus I think of you and usually cry, "...cause you went away, how dare you? I miss you, they say I'll be ok, but I'm not ever going to get over you."  I talked to Sage a couple of weeks ago (thanks to Lisa Walters) and she talked with you first.  You said that you didn't suffer, that you just went to sleep.  I told you that I am so sorry for not being there, and you said that I was there, just not phyisically.  When I got the call about the fire, my first thought was, Ollie, and my second thought was, he's gone.  I said I was sorry that I wasn't there to save you, and you said there was nothing I could have done.  I told you that I love you, that I miss you, and that I'd do anything to get you back.  Then you told Sage that I shouldn't worry because you were coming back to me in the next 6 months as a white and black kitten, more white than black.  My response was, "a kitten?".  I was so happy to hear that, I'd take you back anyway, shape or form, but as a kitten we get to grow together.  I asked why? Why come back to me?  You told Sage because we had a great bond, we were a good team, that we had fun together, and that I need you as much as you need me.  Grandma Josephine said that the white represents purity and how much love I have for you (hence the more white than black) and the black was where you came from and what you went through to come back to me.  So, Ollie boy, you best be on your way back to me, getting all your ducks in a row, and coming to find me.  I don't know how all that works but Sage said not to look that you'd come to me.  I just have to have patience and that you'll come. I' scared to death that you won't find me, or that I won't find you.  I'm also scared that I'll choose the wrong one.  So, Ollie boy, Ollie Ollie Oxen...goodbye.  But this only be a short goodbye and a I'll see you soon instead I'll be waiting...forever if I have to!

Love always,

Your Momma

I hope all of you can understand this letter and can appreciate my thoughts.  A lot of people say they can relate, but can they?  My babies died in a tragic incident, and I didn't get to say goodbye.  When you euthanize a pet, it's your decision, and you get to say goodbye while they are still alive.  You don't have to see them carried dead, smelling like fire and smoke, out of your house.  At that moment (at least for me), I felt like my whole world was caving in.  Some say that I lost a pet, that I need to get over it, and I can always get another one.  No one will replace my babies.  You can't begin to understand my story because you don't have my head, and heart.  You don't know how much love I hold/held in my heart for my two precious babies.  Hell, I didn't even know to this extent that I was until they were completely gone.  Living this, and losing them made all things in the past (like my love for Chad) look so, so minor.  I mentioned Sage in this note a lot.  She is a animal communicator among other things.  She is a wonderful woman, and has helped me out with my pets many times.  Thank you to Lisa Walters for introducing me to her, and helping me with this last session I had with Sage.  If you are interested or want to know more about Sage, she has a website: http://www.dancingporcupine.com/. 
Lastly, thank you to everyone who has helped me in the last few weeks.  To my BRAH family, I've never had such a workplace that has been so caring, kind, and supportive.  Special thanks to Natalie for the scrubs.  Special thanks to my boarding team members for picking up those hours of mine during and after the fire.  To Brandy, I love you girl!  I don't know what I'd do without you, you're caring means so much to me.  Your understanding and non-judgement attitude towards me, is a relief through all of this.  All of you have just reached out in special ways.  Kelsey too, you are great and you always go above and beyond for people, I love you for that.
To everyone else, my family, friends, ex boyfriends, and friends that I haven't talked to in ages: thank you for reaching out during this time, your thoughtfulness and concern hasn't gone unnoticed. 
Thanks to all the people that follow my blog, I hope this one was ok.

Bye, Bye Libby Lue

So, someone suggested that I should write a letter to Libby Lue and Ollie because I am having a very difficult time letting go and saying good bye. Why do they call it a "good"bye anyway? How is it ever good? Below is my letter to Libby Lue. I decided to do her first because I knew it would be easier than my one to Ollie. Not that I loved him more, just had a way different, unique bond with him. One last thing before I share the letter is something else I learned from this experience. My whole relationship with Chad and all the hurt, sadness, tears, and depression that came with that for the last 7 years, doesn't even compare to this. That seems so small into comparison. Plus, to help me get over him I had my babies. Now, I have nothing to help me through. Dear Libby Lue- Hi baby! How are you hunny? Remember that? I used to say that everytime I came home and saw you. You'd look at me and curl over a little because you were comfy sleeping. Do you remember the first day I got you? That day I had put my childhood kitty Ozzy to sleep. I was by no means replacing him. I got you that day to help me along in my grieving process. Man, you were my girl! You would always come lay on my chest when I was reading, doing homework, or texting on my phone. You wanted all the attention. Do you miss your favorite treat? Or do they have an infinite supply of beef jerky where you are? The minute you heard the sound of that bag, you came running! I know you and I did some "traveling" from home to home, but it all was easier with you by my side. I loved/love you so much! Just a few months ago, I found this little bump on your head, and you probably thought I was crazy and you were mad because I brought you to the vet. But baby, it was all because I love you. In the last 6 years I've cried so many times and you were there for every tear. What am I going to do now? Who's going to be with me when I cry? I could have used you these last few weeks. You and I talked with Sage almost a week after you passed and you were kind of in a limbo. You didn't know where you were, what had happened, or where your body was. Sage told you what happened. I hope and pray that you have moved on from that place. I'm so sorry I wasn't there to save you. I would have went through hell and high water to save you! I hope you know that. I know you told Sage that it was like any other day, that I had gone off and you expected me to come back later. I want you to know that it felt like that to me too. It was like any other day. If I'd have known, I'd have paid more attention to you, held on tighter and longer. I hope you aren't still upset for bringing Ollie into our lives. I know he got on your nerves but I feel like you tolerated him for me. What an admirable thing of you to do. I hope you're sitting high and mighty where ever you are, my prissy princess. My dainty little flower. I would do anything to get you back. Papa, Momma Donna, Malissa, and Jordan have all moved onto a different level than me. I'm still stuck in the shock of it all. At night, I still feel like saying, "come on baby, lets go to bed." It wasn't supposed to happen this way. It was supposed to be MY choice as to when you'd pass. You were supposed to get old and sick, and I'd have done everything I could to make you better. Then, it would have been MY choice to euthanize and get to say my good byes to you while you were still alive. Not on my front lawn, you already passed, with me sobbing while I held/pet you. Not on the dental room table with your frozen body. I didn't want to leave you. Now these days I'm walking around in a daze, pasting my smile on for everyone else. Do you know how exhausting it is to fake all that happiness? It drains me! No one sees how much I'm hurting, I keep it disguised pretty well, but inside I'm dying. No one seems to get it (minus my co-workers, because they feel the same about their pets). No one understands that you were literally my world. I lived and breathed you. You weren't just a cat, you were my baby, my child! Everyone says, "oh you can get another one." Then they say, (because they feel like an ass saying the first comment) "well it won't replace the other one but you can have another one." A human mother, losing their human child is just the same as me losing you. So, Libby Lue you were my child. I will never replace you. I've been thinking why this has been extra hard on me...I figured out that it's probably because I didn't get to say a proper good bye. If I'd have gotten that, and if it were different circumstances, I'd be so excited to get a new kitty. But the Krystatoday is broken down, laying on the ground getting kicked...and I amscared to death to get another one. Plus, I am not over you. As my newest favorite song by Miranda Lambert says "...but you went away, how dare you? I miss you, they say I'll be ok,but I'm not going to ever get over you." So, bye bye Libby Lue, bye bye baby...it's really true you're gone. I hope one day we meet again. Well, that was emotionally exhausting! I don't think I am nearly done crying, the littlest things remind me of her. Sitting here alone in bed makes me think of her because I know she would be laying right next to me curled up on the bed sleeping with me. I miss hearing her little bellon her collar when she would be walking. Her collar is now on my key chain, so I can hear it all the time, makes me feel like she is withme.

Deeper and Deeper

Yesterday was 7 days from the fire. The week felt like it was the longest week of my life! All week we've been cleaning out our house, deciding what we can try and save and what is unsalvageable. The first day was the basement with a lot of my belongings. It was really hard to see all my stuff being thrown away. I miss my cats more than anything in the world. I feel like my home family (Papa, Donna, Malissa, Jordan, and Jeff) are all moving on ok, they are seeing all the positives of the whole situation. Dont get me wrong, I totally see all the positives of it all as well. However, I feel like if Im sad or crying that I have to hide it because my family is sick of me. Im sorry that my cats were my world, and it's easier for the rest of them because they have 3 out of their 4 pets left. I know everyone lost stuff, and that the house comes first. I feel like Im being faulted because I haven't finished mourning. Then, I find out that Papa doesn't want me to get another cat when we move back in....what happened to the we'll get another kitty as I was sobbing over losing my two babies? Was that just to suffice me? Then, from the very begginning I said that I didn't want more than half my stuff replaced....I want a bed, some clothes, some shoes, makeup, some body spray, blow dryer and straightner.....I don't want a TV, bookshelf, books, or my ihome. They have already replaced my tennis shoes and my makeup, which I am very thankful for. I guess I just feel like the odd one out of the family....I feel like they don't want me. Donna and I were so close, and I feel like I'm losing her or have already lost her. I know this week has been stressful and overwhelming for us, especially Papa and Donna, but I feel like I can't go to Donna with anything, when she's the one I've always gone to. So on top of everything else, I feel like I've lost her too. As most of you know, if you've read my blog in the past, that I've been pretty down and depressed in the past, but I was getting better and was in a better place, and that was great! Now that all this happened, I'm really down. Some because of the obvious reasons and other things (like these things with my family and Donna) that I never expected at all. I feel like I shouldn't be here with my family because there's all these complaints about me, and that I should find a new place to live because maybe I just stress them out more. All I do know is that I'm sinking deeper and deeper into my depression, and no one sees it or no one knows it. I've learned that it's easier to slip back down and more down into my depression when no one else notices. I just don't know what to do anymore, I'm just sick of fighting in this game of life, I'm just not seeing the point. My family has said, thank God you weren't in the fire and that I would have died trying to save my cats....but hearing all the complaints makes me wonder if they really meant what they said. Right now I am still standing with the belief that if I was there I could have saved my cats, and if I died, I died.....I guess I loved them more than I love me.

Relaxing Weekend

Hey everyone!
I can't remember what day I last wrote, but I'll try to catch up.  Yesterday I worked until 3:30pm, stopped at the bank, came home to pay bills, and then was laying in bed with Donna talking.  We had a very good talk, I've been a little confused and angry about some things...and she puts things into perspective sometimes.  Her and I went to get some ice cream at Gilly's.  I haven't been there in awhile!  This morning, I slept in, took a shower and went to visit Brandon.  Monday will be his 4th week there....kinda sad for him.  But, he did the crime so he's gotta do the time....just not long I hope, I'll miss my friend too much!  Then I went to Sams Club with Donna, half price books, and Walgreen's.  Then I came home to help Donna with dinner. We had steaks on the grill, pasta accents, and baked potatoes....yummy!  Then to top if off we had strawberry shortcake for dessert. I'm going to try to get to the gym in the morning, then go see Brandon if I have time.  Then we have a birthday dinner for grandma and Jordan.  Then after that, off to Anna's for Sherry's birthday.  Let me just say....life is so confusing!  In the past, I had all these plans and I knew what I wanted, where I wanted to be, and who I wanted to be.  Now.....I don't even know what I want anymore. Right now, all I know is what I have....A roof over my head thanks to Papa and Donna, food to eat thanks to Papa and Donna, a nice full time job with insurance (which is helping with my crazy self), my truck (that I pay an insane amount for every month, but it's worth it because I love it), my two wonderful kitties (Ollie and Libby Lue), and all my other personal belongings that are important to me.  Beyond all that I really don't know....when should I go back to school? Will I be ready? Should I return to Alverno? Or go somewhere else? I don't even know if I want to date...I feel like I'm still fixing me, and I don't have time for wishy washy boy business.  Know what I mean?  I just don't know anymore!

Long week!

So, Monday went by pretty fast, nothing special to report.  Tuesday I worked 8:00-2:00, went to visit Brandon, stopped at my aunts house to get some books, picked up my sister, went to half price books and then came home.  Yesterday I worked all day, was really tired after work but I went to visit Brandon again.  Him and I talked about how I told Chad #2 that I was backing off a bit, and put the ball in his court, and when he's ready I'm here.  Others have said that it just isn't right, that I need more attention, or "give him the boot"....I'm not going to do that, known him too long to do that.  I guess I just need him to show me that he wants this, instead of me doing all the work, and stating my feelings.  Today was a long day at work, it was a hot one...nice to walk dogs when it's nice out.  Came home to take a shower, eat a wonderful dinner that Donna made, cashew chicken, yummy!  Then we went to an icecream.  Now I'm just relaxing, going to go lay in bed, read, and cuddle with my best boy ever...Ollie, Ollie, Ollie....where are you? Wanna go to bed?  Yes he comes to this every night.  Hope all is well for you.

Laughs

My day was very interesting.  I woke up and left the house earlier with intentions of getting Starbucks and getting to work a little early.  Got through the Starbucks drive-thru rather quick, which was nice.  Go to get on the free at 9:35am and it was bumper to bumper....seriously??? really? So much for getting to work early, but I still punched in on time 10:00am on the dot!  The morning was interesting.  You all know already that I work at an animal hospital and I have some very interesting days. So I can't use names and etc obviously but I can tell you the story today just as well.  So they were doing a dental on this dog, they asked me to go in and help when the dog wakes up.  When humans wake up from surgery its all normal and maybe a little drowsy or what not right? Well, when animals wake up you can never predict how they will be.  Some wake up just fine, others flop around, others scream etc.  This dog wasn't seeming to wake up, well all of a sudden she just woke up and started screaming and thrashing then stared growling and showing teeth....my coworker was awesome and got everything under control with my help....but what was funny, was that with the dog making all that noise and what not a bunch of people came running in to help.....thank God!  That is one thing I just love about my job is that when you need help in a serious situation they come running. I wish I could have all my family and close friends come in and shadow or work at BRAH for the day....then they would understand all the craziness! Then Brandy my coworker and I decided since it was so nice out we would start laying the mulch on our path that we walk the dogs.  It was tough work, bad on my back, but I was OK.  Got a few blisters on my hands, but it's all good.  Brandy and I had so many laughs today....just about the stupidest things but it's been awhile since I had laughs like that.  Her and I flow pretty easy together and we have many laughs.  So I just wanted to say thank you to my dear Brandy for helping my laugh today.  I had some stuff on my mind and she listened and helped me get through the day by laughing.  After work I met Donna at urgent care because she was having some weird chest pain, went to just support her.  I just got home a little before 9pm....so it's been a long busy day!  I'll end this blog with, boys are so confusing...I don't get them, and I don't think I ever will! Sigh....Love you all!

Let Me Down Easy

I didn't realize that I haven't written a blog since May 3rd....I can't believe it!   I was reminded today that I haven't written a blog in awhile, so here I am.  Let's see I have to look at my calendar to remind me of what I've done in the last week and a half.  Friday the 4th I went and had dinner with my aunt Anna and my other aunt that I haven't seen in like 15 years.  It was interesting to see her, kind of awkward though.  Afterwards, aunt Anna and I went to the gym and worked out for a little bit.  So my week from May 1st-May 5th was absolutely horrible.  Tuesday I had that fight with my mom, Wednesday I had my fight with my sister, then Friday I had a little fight with Jeff (Donna's son)....I'll leave the details out because it's not really important for you all to know.  This all moved into Saturday morning.  I spent Friday night and Saturday morning crying.  That week was just horrible....Jeff said some hurtful things, that Donna's his mom, and that he's blood and I'm not, etc.  All of this really hurt my feelings because A: Donna sure is my mom too! B: just because I'm not blood doesn't make a difference.  Who's there helping Donna all the time? Who brings her coffee? Who listens to her vent when she needs to? Who could go to any place to get food from and know exactly what she would order? Who sits with her when she has a weak moment and needs a shoulder to cry on? ME, ME, ME!  I could keep going from that list but I think that proves my point.  Now, I'm not saying that Papa, Jordan, or Malissa don't do any of these things as well, but her sons definitely wouldn't make the cut for most or every one of those questions.  That's pretty sad!  So that was just spectacular, NOT!  Saturday May 5th I took Jordan and Julian (Jeff's son) to Barnes and Noble with me to just get out of the house, and away from Jeff and all the drama.  We got coffee, cheesecake, and rice krispe treat.  I had fun with those 2 little ones!  Julian can sure suck down that coffee boy, let me tell you!  We went to half price books and I bought each of them 2 books.  Julian really likes to read, and I can appreciate that because I love to read.  My aunt Mary always supported me in this area of my life, she would spend a ton of money on books for Malissa and I because it's a good thing.  So for Julian, I did what my aunt taught me!  Thanks auntie!  To be honest, I don't really remember Sunday....I think we may have gone to Old Country Buffet but I'm not totally sure.  My next week starts off way better!  So last Monday I walk out to my car to leave for work, and there was a dozen red roses on the hood of my car!!!!  Hmmm who could they ever be from? I knew who they were from, my bff Chad...how very thoughtful of him, wanted my week to start out better than my last week.  That made my day!  Tuesday Chad came over to watch a movie and we had a very nice time :)  I'm so glad that I got up the courage to cross the line of just friends with him.  I don't know why I didn't sooner.  I told him today that I was writing to my friend and was talking about him, and wanted to tell him the way I described him.  So here it is, so you all can hear it too.  He looks at me like he never wants to stop, he hugs/holds me like he's never going to let go, and he makes me feel beautiful just how I am, doesn't make me feel self conscious of my body what so ever.  That is why I wish I would have gotten the courage a long time ago.  So, Chad if you are reading this...even though I already told you this, but you make me very happy and I hope it stays this way and more!
There's this song my Billy Currington called "Let me down easy" that I think of when thinking about Chad.  Here's the video below...

 My weekend was nothing to talk about.  I got Donna a nice mothers day gift, a charm for her bracelet and a card with this cute book.  The last 2 days at work have been super busy surprisingly.  I had a little picnic dinner with my mom at the park tonight, we packed up before it started raining though.  I brought Donna a coffee, got soaked in the Starbucks drive through and bringing in the coffee to her.  Well there you have it everyone, you're all caught up with the makings of my life.  I think I am getting better everyday, and I can actually say that I am a little happy....but I think it will keep going to a wonderful happiness.  One last thing, I hear from others that a lot of people read my blog and like to hear about my life....if you have any comments or questions, please comment on my blog...don't be shy!