Turning over a new leaf

I had an interesting day today.  My aunt texted me because my uncle contacted her saying that he has a mom and litter of kittens that they caught at his work and are looking for homes.  The kicker is that 2 of them are black and white.  If you've read past posts you'll understand the black and white thing.  So I decided to go and see, I had every intention of going and meeting them and just be like ok you're nice but I don't feel anything.  I picked up this little black and white kitten (it hissed at everyone else) and layed in my arms and just stared up at me.  I felt so strongly for this kitten!  I don't know if it really is Ollie, but I do know something is there.  I don't know what sex it is either, but some have told me that animal spirits can come back in either male or female.  I really, really want it!  However Papa has expressed that he doesn't want another cat, but he did have them put the pet door in.  I know it's really soon because we move in to our house on Friday.  I can take it to my work for awhile and get all the testing, deworming, and what not while it's there.  I wrote a long email to Papa, in detail about how he's been, how I've been, and why it would benefit me to get this kitten.  I hope that after reading the email he will say yes I can have it.  Please pray for me....I think this is something that I need. So send out prayers and good juju that he says yes.  I already told my uncle to put a hold on the kitten in hopes that papa will say yes.

Definitely needs some tlc....bath, nt, somethings going on in it's ears and maybe a parasite....Beauty thing is I can take him to work and do all that!

Apparently God is short on angels

2012 has to be one of the worst years ever!  It needs to end fast without anything else bad happening to my family.  February of 2011, Grandma (Donna's mother) had a brain aneurysm.  She was touch and go for so long.  I didn't know her very well up until being at the hospital everyday.  Even though she was struggling with her health, I got to see the woman that she really was.  She was just a great woman, asked me how I was, about school, work, my new car, and boys.  She had an opinion for every topic and then some.  She mad it through that year, she fought damn hard, and she made.  In April of this year (2012) she took a turn for the worse.  The night before she passed away, Donna and I had the privilege to talk with her and listen to her, for the last time.  We didn't know that by morning she would be significantly worse.  That day she passed away with all of her family surrounding her, showing their love and prayers.  She wouldn't have wanted it any other way.  Then about a month or so later, I am driving back from a friends to my aunts house.  I smelt a funny smell on the freeway but kept going to get to my aunts house for dinner.  On my way there, I got the call that my house was on fire.  I was told that the dogs got out of the house but was on oxygen.  One of the cats (my parents) came out on oxygen as well.  The dogs all made it but neither of my cats made it, as well as the other one.  Our house was totalled, and we've lost a considerable amount of belongings. We have been staying in a hotel since May 31st.  It gets a little cramped with the 5 of us and the 3 dogs.  We've already taken care of most furnishings in our house, and we are planning to move in Friday the 31st.  In between all that, Donna and Missy went to Ohio to be with her dad because he was having a serious surgery.  Wednesday morning I woke up with a very uneasy feeling, but not sure why.  Grandpa (Donna's Dad) didn't make it through the surgery, they did CPR, and brought him back. They said it would be a little bit to see what all was going on with his body.  I regret to say it, but he passed away last night.  I wasn't very close to him either, but every time he came to visit he was amazing.  He always asked how my days were and how work was.  He accepted me as a grand daughter without even blinking an eye, when others have not.  He was a very funny and outgoing man and I will miss that as well.  I feel like I lost so much this year...grandma, grandpa, house, belongings, and my cats.  It's not supposed to happen like this! It is not fair that Donna has to go through all of this in one whole year, actually in a span of 4 months!  I don't know how she stays so strong through all of this.  She's got to be all sorts of mess inside.  I wish I could take on that pain so that she doesn't have to feel it.  I feel like my whole world is upside down and I don't know when it's going to sit right side up again.  It's all just too much.  I am still in shock I guess, I feel like I've accepted that all of those things are gone, but I keep thinking, are they really gone? I'm not going to hear grandma sing, dance, and sit and talk with me about just everything.  I'm not going to see grandpa sitting out on the patio in the mornings having a cigarette and telling me to have a nice day at work.  I'm also not going to get to hear him ask how work was when I got home.  I am not going to get to see my cats jumping on the bed and cuddling with me.  I'm not going to hear Ollie tearing up my room to wake me to feed him.  I'm never going to hear him meow again. I'm never going to get to say Ollie, Ollie, Oxen....there's my boy and bend down and kiss his whole face.  I don't get to see little prissy Libby Lue walking around with her bell jingling.  I put her collar on my key chain, so that I have some what of her with me.  I want to look into necklaces that you can add some of their ashes to the necklace and wear them.  I just can't believe that they all are just gone, completely GONE! The world is spinning like an amusement park ride and I can't get off.  What did my family and I do to deserve all of this? Yes I know that my family is safe and that's most important, but why my cats? why 2 things that meant so much to me, that kept me grounded and somewhat happy through the past year.  And grandma and grandpa? They really had to go too? The only things I can think of is that we are some how bad people or that "GOD" (if there is one) needed more angels.  I know this sounds selfish but take other people's people for angels.  I have trouble believing in God at this time. I question it too much, and through all of this I don't see too many things go right.  When can we catch a break? If we catch a break it better be soon and it better be huge! We deserve it! I'm also still waiting for Ollie to come back to me.  Sage (the pet communicator) is having a special with her sessions so I will be buying one so that I can speak with her again and see how far Ollie is to making his way to me.  Also, if Libby has moved on and not stuck.  I'm sure most don't believe in it, but I do....it gives me hope, something that has kept me going. 

Lots on my mind and Can't Sleep

I've had so much on my mind lately, it feels like it will boil over if anything else happens.  I feel like a repeat lots of things on each post but I figure it's easier for people reading to get caught up with my life without having to go back so far.  I've been dealing with the loss of everything up until this point of the year.  We lost grandma, then a month or so later our house had a fire.  We then lost Abby, Libby Lue, and my Ollie boy.  I miss them all so much!  I wish grandma was sitting here telling us that everything will be ok.  I also wish she was here making jokes, singing, and dancing.  I didn't know her all that long, but the time I did have, I got to learn and see the real her.  She was very easy to love.  She would also make me laugh, give her opinions on boys, school, work, and life.  It's not fair that we lost her so soon.  I didn't know I was going to feel this strongly for her since we didn't have much of a history.  All that time spent at St. Lukes with grandma made me fall in love with her.  I find myself wanting to tell her things that have happened.  Like when the fire happened, and I lost my kitties, I know she would have been there to hold me while I cried.  I know she wouldn't be judging me for how long it's taken me to come to terms with it all.  I also know that she would be defending how I feel, to just let me feel what I feel.  I don't think that anyone knows how much I do miss her.  I think about her everyday, yes really everyday.  I feel like she is here with me, trying to guide me and my spirit up above this water so that I don't drown. Through the house fire I know having her alive would have helped all of us, especially Donna.  I worry about her.  First her mom passes away, then the fire happens, loses her cat, and a majority of belongings in the house.  Now she went down to Ohio because her dad was having surgery today.  I guess his surgery didn't go as planned, and they had to do CPR on the table.  The did a CAT scan and luckily there was no brain damage.  They are cooling him off for 24 hrs and then warming him back up.  I guess this is supposed to help him.  I've known him even less compared to grandma, but what I've known of him, I loved.  He was always so kind, and thoughtful.  He is in the ICU right now.  All I know is that our family does not need another loss this year.  So I am praying and asking everyone else to do so as well, that he comes out of this ok, and has a nice recovery.  On another note, I have thinking about my cats a lot (not that I don't think of them a lot any other time, but more so lately).  I'm wondering how Libby Lue is doing, if she has moved on, and has more understanding of the situation.  I keep thinking about Ollie, and what Sage said, that he will be coming back to me as a white and black kitten.  Some people aren't sure if I should wait that out and just get another cat that I like.  However, I have always had no doubt in Sage in past conversations, but now I am being very skeptical.  I think it is more of a big deal because the information and situation are so specific of me getting him back.  I want him back so bad. I miss him more than anything. They are saying and hoping that we will be back into our house on August 31st, which is a week away.  I can't wait for move in day! Set up our rooms, and the rest of the house.  Here's what is all done or about so: wood floors, painting, trimming, breakfast bar, cabinets w/ handles, counter tops, light in the kitchen, ceiling fans in each room, bath tub placed with all surrounding decorative tile, the vanity and bathroom sink is in, bathroom floor, A/C, closet doors on, room doors on, door bells, blinds, and most of the electrical.  They need to put carpet in the 3 rooms upstairs, and mine down stairs, and then the basement floor tile.  Then they have some odds and ends to fix up and then they clean up and then we can move in.  I am being very optimistic (which I never am) that our house will be move in ready August 31st (next Friday).  I can't wait to get out of this hotel, can't wait to just let the dogs out in the yard.  I hope that grandpa will be ok, and that Donna and Malissa can be back for move in day and get to see the house all coming together.  There's been much more added to all of that as well.  I just want to be back in the house, not staying in the hotel, grandpa to pull through this, have Donna and Malissa home to be there the first day we can move in, and what I want most (of course) is my Ollie boy back to me.  He better come soon, I'm going to need a cuddle buddy and something to make me happy and laugh. 
Well I am off to bed....have to work in the morning.  Only 8-1 though.  If grandpa takes a turn for the worse...Papa will be taking my truck to Ohio, and I will use Donna's van to get to work.  I really wish I could be there with them for love and support, but I will "hold down the fort" here at "home".  I don't want the dogs boarding because they have had so much change and transitions that I think it would make them even more crazy with a crap ton of barky dogs.  Also, they aren't up to date on some vaccines.  It's just better I stay so that I don't miss work and leave co workers hanging with too much work.  I miss all of you, and I apologize for being so absent in peoples lives as of late.  I just go to work, come home and discuss house stuff, at the house, or tired as can be.  I assure you that once I am settled back at home in my house that I will start back on my normal routine of things.  I just hope all of you are understanding.

No Inspiration

Hey everyone!  I don't have much inspiration today nor an idea on what to write today, but feel like I should.  I worked until 2 today and was super busy all day long.  I literally didn't have a minute to spare.  I didn't eat a bite of food until 3:30pm! Can you believe that? It was torture!  I have semi good news, my friend Anna texted me today.  I am hoping that she sticks around.  I told her to read my blog post from last night, so hopefully that will give her some insight.  Before starting this blog post, I reread my last one...sorry for the typos and for not addressing all of the people that have helped or been there for me individually.  You all have been here the whole way through and I thank you for that.  Last nights post was basically to sum up the summer (because it will be coming to an end) and thank my immediate family (the ones I share a home/hotel with) for everything that they do and how grateful I am to have them.  They don't get to hear all the time how they really are seen.  I don't tell Papa and Donna everyday how I think they are being so strong for our family and how much they have worked their ass off for us.  I think they should get to hear it, and more often.  After posting my blog last night I felt guilty for not addressing other people, so please don't take offense that I didn't do that.  I just wanted them to know how strong I think they are.  I can't believe in almost 2 weeks we could be back in our house.  I feel excited, nervous, happy, but anxious.  Many things have been changed...hell who am I kidding? Everything in the house has been changed.  I don't know how many of you have been in my house prior to the fire but we didn't have a breakfast bar, now we do.  We had two doors to the bathroom, now we just have one.  My room had a walk in closet, and now it is pushed all the way back to the other basement wall.  Our tub was in one spot and now it's in another.  We will have all new furniture, nothings going to be the same.  I wish Ollie would be there to spend my first night back in the house with me.  I was talking to a girl at work and she said that her family was building a house years ago, and the first night it was done they camped out in the living room in sleeping bags because the furniture hadn't come yet.  If ours doesn't come, I'd like to do that too!  I am thrilled to get back in our house and not be in this hotel anymore.  After getting settled back in, I want to resume a semi normal routine. I want to wake up and do my hair and make up, make myself feel some what pretty.  I want to go to work in the morning and not be waking everyone up because you can hear everything in the hotel room.  I want to have normal dinners as a family where the food doesn't stick horribly to the pans (bad experience with Sicilian steak here at the hotel).  I want to get back into the gym and start my workout routine again.  I want to start losing weight and getting back to the "old" me.  In all of that, I'm hoping and praying that Ollie makes his way to me.  I don't think anyone understands how much I miss my boy.  I'm still trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, it's extra hard because before the fire it was already so broken...so they've been shattered.  But piece by piece, one day I'll get there.  It may seem like it's not coming for me but Papa always says that "this too shall pass".  So, this too shall pass, and my heart will be pieced back together with only small holes for the things and ones I've lost.  Hopefully, I will find a new boy and my new kitty "Ollie" that help fill those little holes so that they don't break open again. 
I always feel like I'm rambling on here with no direction, so I hope some of this has made sense.  If anyone has advice or feedback or some inspiration for me, I'm always happy to hear it. 

Summer 2012 and Fresh Start

My summer started out Memorial day weekend. We had a nice Saturday and Sunday planned out. Then Sunday we get the call that we had a house fire. It started in the basement, we lost my 2 cats and my families cat, as well as like 80% of our belongings, if not more. My whole family was in shock and devastated. The week after was a whirl wind week. We spent that week cleaning out the house, going through what we could try and save and what had to be thrown away. I think that was hard for the whole family. Having to see all your belongings gone and your house destroyed. It was hard, but for me it was harder to lose my cats and to see my family hurting. I would do anything to get that day back and for the fire to not have happened so that my family hasn't been hurting all this time. It has been very overwhelming for all of us. I feel like since the fire I checked out. I had more bad days than good. I was still in shock of losing Ollie and Libby Lue, and just couldn't believe what happened. I walked around in a daze most days. I was kind of like a robot, going through the motions but not really there. I isolated myself from everyone, even my family. They didn't even want to be around me. I was down and they were scared to say anything and be happy in front of me. I felt like I was in a different place than all of them. I felt like I was all alone. I went back to work and was overwhelmed the first day back with all the cards, gifts, and kind words from my coworkers. I couldn't ask for better coworkers, they have been a good pillar for me. Even the day of the fire many people came to show their support, and I know it meant a lot to all of us. For the first few weeks, maybe even a month, I was still caught in my depression and isolation. It seems easier to do that than have to talk about it all. Having to see friends with their pets and all made me sad and jealous. It is not their fault, just me. This whole summer I am still sad and hurting for my cats, but I think I'm slowly getting better, I'm having more good days. The hotel has a pool, breakfast, sometimes dinner, a small gym, and sometimes dinner. Those are all some good aspects. I've went swimming, layed out in the sun, got a nice little tan going, went to the zoo, went to the Dells, shopping for furniture, but mostly doing inventory. I've been living, eating, sleeping inventory...seems like it never ends. It's so tedious and takes quite a bit of time. I became unisolated from my family with many talks.

However, I stayed isolated to many others, especially my friends. Like I said earlier, it's easier that way. I've also gained more weight, that gets me down, which makes me not want to do anything with friends either, because I feel like a fat cow. I am probably repeating things I've already in past blogs but I guess I want it all together. In the last week, I've had a a double whammy. My friend Anna told me she no longer wanted to be my friend anymore, because I don't call or text, don't respond to messages, and that I am ungrateful. I can assure you that I am not ungrateful. I appreciate everything that has been done for me. I told her that I wanted to sit down and talk about things and try to make her understand me and for her to try to make me understand her. She told me no, that she's going her way, that I should go mine, and go on with our lives separately. I don't agree with this at all. I don't want to lose my friend. I am hoping that she changes her mind. I also hope one day (hopefully sooner rather than later) she can understand these last few months and how its effected me. I don't think there is a protocol book that tells you, your family, or the situation how to handle it all. I've been trying to work on me, and get to a better place so that I can be a true family member and friend again. I was caught up in reading pet books to get some inspiration and insight into the loss of them. So to my friend Anna (yes, no matter what you say I still consider you my friend), I met you years ago, and we just hit it off. We've had many good times and many laughs. You've also been there through my tears of heartbreak of boys. I though that was going to be the hardest think to lose, but I soon learned that the loss of other things means way more to me. I'm sorry that I isolated myself, and wasn't a very good true friend. I was neglectful towards our relationship, and should have done more. I wish there was a better way to explain all of this in a better way that will make you understand, but not make it sound like an excuse. After speaking to Donna about this, because it made me really sad she told me that she has isolated herself from many, many friends....said it's just easier that way. Our heads are going a mile a minute about everything. When I did talk to you, I neglected to ask how things were with you. I was so wrapped up in my drama that I was selfish and only cared about getting what I needed out. That was horrible of me to do. I don't have many girlfriends, and you were the one that I turned to most. So Anna, please reconsider and help me back into a normal life. I promise I am moving out of the isolation stage. I can be on the other side and imagine how you must feel. I would be pissed too. What can I do to get you back? I need my girl friend, and I need her ASAP.

Another whammy that I had the day before, was Chad (my friend, and whom I was seeing for awhile and crossed that friend line with). He basically told me that we would have never worked because I wouldn't have liked any of his friends and that he has a lot going on right now. He has a lot going on right now? Hahaha I just can't believe he said that. He was supposed to at least be my friend after the fire and I didn't hear a word for him...and if I did it was very short answers to emails/texts that I sent him. This is very sad and disappointing. I think his excuse was a poor, pathetic ass excuse. So I lost my two best friends in the matter of days.

So this summer is a summer of loss. I am super stressed about money, the house, my family, Anna, chad, and everything else that adds to all of that. Can I catch a break? Oh, forgot to mention that I've had issues with my dad....he took out a parent plus loan for school for me and they are bugging him to pay it, he told me that I need to get the shit taken care of because he's trying to buy a house. He told my grandpa that he was getting evicted and that they were going to garnish his wages. Few things: his credit is already bad, he just filed bankruptcy, and an action would have been filed to garnish wages. Years ago, he opened two credit cards in my name at the age of 16. How the hell he did that I don't know. Not many people know this but I am so angry with him that I am spilling it all because it makes me feel like a weight has been lifted. I told him, how does it feel? It took me years to better and gain my credit. I could have signed the paperwork and he would have been punished through the legal system. But I gave him the out and I took the hit. I did that for my siblings. He also borrows money from everyone in our family and assures them that he will pay them back. Has he paid any of you back? I highly doubt it! He is very manipulative and tries to get something so that it will benefit him, and only benefit him. While I was at it, I figured, why not go all the way and tell him what else angers me. I told him that he should have given custody of me to Tom and Donna back then. I could have had health insurance, dental insurance, and braces. I could have had a lot more things that they could give to me that he couldn't. Instead he was selfish, I believe that he wanted to look like the good guy, the hero, taking me in because my mother was failing at the time. What kind of parent does that to their child? Don't they want the best for their children? I know as a parent you have to make tough decisions but it has to be done. And truth be told, I would have had it better with papa and Donna. I live with them now, and I feel like home. I feel like a family, I feel like Papa is a goo father, no not just good, great! We may have our differences or don't see eye to eye on things, or my disappointments to him. Through all that though, he proves to be a good father, a great father. He provides for his family, and his "girls" come first. He makes sure we have not only what we need but things we want, things that would be nice to have. We are spoiled...us girls are really spoiled. It's been a rough road but I believe as a family we will get through this and be OK, maybe even better. I am getting a great new bed and other furniture for my room, I'm lucky to have them and what they are doing for us all.

My walls are painted, as is the rest of the house, bath tubs in, new windows are in, cabinets are hung, some closet doors on, and patio is layed. We just go the news today that they will be finished by May 30th! That is a little over 2 weeks....I never thought this day would come. I'm excited to be back "home" but scared because it's all going to be new. I'm not the type that likes change so it will be another hurdle for me...but I believe I can jump this hurdle.

I talked with Sage a week after the fire (the pet communicator, not sure if anyone believes in that, but I do) and we talked to Ollie, Libby Lue, and Abby (the 3 cats that passed). Libby was stuck in a limbo not sure what happened. Abby was happy and was staying where she was. Ollie was not mad at me (nor was Libby) and he said he was coming back to me within 6 months as a black and white kitten. I am not supposed to find him, he will come to me. In the past, I have never doubted Sage and her abilities. Now, I am skeptical....because what if he doesn't come back? What if it's all bs? He is my person. For those of you that watch Grey's Anatomy you'll get this...but he really is my person. So I NEED him back. He's going to come back and lead me through this mess and stay with me for a very long time. I try to think of things I am thankful for now so I'd like to address some of the people.

To Papa: I don't know how you do it, you are so strong. You have kept this family together, and worked your ass off to make sure we are taken care of in this time. I know you are a ball of stress, but you don't show it very much. Know that you do a great job of it, and that you are a wonderful dad. Know how thankful we are to have you. Know how grateful we are to have you. You are our pillar, and you're trying to pick up the pieces. You've always told us that Papa can fix everything, but one thing, you can't take away a broken heart. But you damn well try to help put the pieces of my heart back together. Thank you for being so patient with me and giving me the time I need.

To Donna: You are my person, person. My go to, has an answer for everything. You can help me solve any problem. You are also a pillar, and kept this family together. I am grateful to have you and appreciate everything you do. You are always there to listen and dry my tears. You give me words of encouragement and believe that Ollie is coming back to me, even if I am skeptical. Knowing you believe, gives me more hope. Hope is keeping me going.

To Malissa: you are my sissy, the one I share the bed with. Ha, not going to lie it has been tough. Sharing a room, and a bed. I'm OCD about organization and making the bed. You on the other hand are not. It has been interesting, but we work through it. Thank you for putting up with my crazy OCD. Thanks for listening. Thanks for having a fun weekend in the dells...it will be a great memory. It's going to be weird moving back in, not sleeping with you. You have also been strong through all this...give some of your strength to me please. Love you sissy!

To Jordan: oh Jojo, thank you for telling me I'm pretty all the time, it truly means a lot. We have our bad moments lately, and I think it has to do with our confined place, but you have been a strong little girl as well. It's been a tough 2 years and you've come right through it. You will be a great Young woman one day.

As to other family members and friends: I thank you for all your support and help. For a weekend in the Dells and watching episodes of True Blood with me, and for understanding my isolation....couldn't do it without you all.

Thanks for reading so much.....and you'll be hearing more soon as the house gets finished. 

Sorry

I am so sorry to all of you that read my blog.  I have been so busy and not very enthused to write a blog post.  Things have been kind of crazy.  The house is coming along.  The walls are getting painted, flooring is being put in, windows...and all that other stuff.  I picked out my bedroom furniture and  I think I am in love with my new mattress....I can't wait to sleep on it!  Nothing too knew, went to the Dells for a weekend which was nice.  Not as nice as it would be because it was going from a hotel room to a hotel room, but it was nice non the less.  Works been busy.  I'm back on my mission of working out and losing weight, I need to.  I'm missing my kitties like crazy.  I'm waiting for my Ollie boy to come back to me.  Sage said in the next 6 months and that he would find me, that I can't look.  I'm sick of waiting, I just want him back so much it hurts.  Emotionally I have been pretty good..I have my moments, but my moments are now left to when I am alone.  I don't want others to see them, might get them irritated or angry again.  I miss our house, I miss letting the dogs out in the yard and not having to walk them and get tied up like a mummy, I miss my room, I miss my bed, I miss my blankie, I miss my books, I miss my bookshelf, I miss my clothes, I miss my ihome, but mostly I miss being home as a family in our living room watching one of our shows....that and missing my cats more than anything.  I miss all that stuff (belongings wise) but it's not all that important to me.  We all miss what we used to have, I hate change.  New stuff is nice but I'd give up all of it to just have my cats back and all my old stuff.  Also, let me tell you, hotel life isn't all that great...maybe for like a week or 2 but after that it sucks!  Another side note, if you've texted me, called me, or tried to contact me in these last few months and I haven't responded or declined invitations to get together, don't take it personally...we've been working on our inventory for our house like crazy.  I live, breathe, and sleep inventory. I even think about it when I am at work.  If I'm not doing it, I am thinking about it.  I hope all is well with everyone though.  Hopefully soon I'll have pictures of the house being finished and my room and all that.