What else can I do?

Woke up pretty early today for a day that I could have slept in....Ollie's food that I had ordered special for him...he doesn't like it :( So I stopped at work and picked up the urinary SO canned food that he has been eating and likes.  Got some Starbucks, mmmm yummy!  Then I cleaned my room thoroughly, cleaned the cat boxes, vacuumed upstairs and downstairs, cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the living room, and cleaned the bathroom.  I think I definitely over did it today.  My back hurts worse than ever.  I emailed my doctor, she'll get back to me on Monday, hopefully she'll figure something else out.  I went to B & N with Donna to get myself a new Nook cover.  Then we went to the grocery store to get things for dinner.  I stopped at Walgreen's to pick up a prescription and bought this all around thing that I can ice my back with.....I hope it freezes fast!  So I tricked Ollie and put one can of the food he doesn't like and mixed a spoonful of the stuff he does like and he ate it...yay!  I think  I need some extra TLC because my back hurts so bad.  I haven't been able to go to the gym but I can barely get in and out of the car with the way my back is.  To compensate for that, I've been eating less...yay me!  I don't know what else I can do to help my back :( 

Blah

Today I worked 8-4pm.  When I got in my co worker told me about 2 of the dogs that are boarding together got into a huge fight, puncture wounds and all.  Our whole day was crazy and hectic.  We bathed 3 dogs and 1 cat.  The cat got a lion cut as well.  The dogs all got brushed out and sent home.  In between all of that we also had check in's for boarding and other people asking us for help.  Times like this make me really irritated because everyone just expects boarding to be OK to help with everything, and heaven forbid we say no we don't have time right now to help with that because we have a million other things going on.  Then before work I had out this medicated patch on and it was seeming to help, until I lifted a husky with someone else, that was a big mistake.  My back started hurting worse from there.  I put an ice pack on my back, kind of wedged it in my pants and it stayed pretty good.  Totally forgot to take the naproxen this morning to also help it :(  I guess I was just very irritable at work today, it was good I left at 4.  I stopped at the bank on the way home to deposit my check, then came home to pay some bills online.  There goes my whole check, sigh!  Got into my comfy clothes and browsed around face book for a little bit. Donna asked me to go to dinner with her, Malissa, and josh but I just don't feel like going. I feel very blah today, feel like I have lots on my mind today, I feel kinda sad like a crying jag is coming my way....watch out!  That's probably why I didn't want to go with them because I feel very needy today and I don't want to impose on anyone.  Maybe my back will be in better shape tomorrow so I can try going to the gym.  Well, off to cuddle with my boy in my comfy bed.

New Love

Today was my doctors appointment about my back.  Dr. Knapp said that I needed some physical therapy.  She also did some blood work on me, and I don't know the results until tomorrow.  Then she wants to check my cortisol levels...which means for 24 hours I have to collect all my urine in this jug and the jug has to stay in our fridge....talk about gross....ewwwwwwwwwwww!  I don't know what the point of that is or what kind of test to figure whatever out.  Then after the doctor appointment I came home and looked up chiropractor/physical therapy and I found one like 5 minutes from my house and I love her!  She took some xrays, did her assessment of me, put this little zapper, buzzing things on me for 10 minutes.  Then I got to go on this rolling bed that rolled this thing all the way up and down my spine, definitely felt really good.  My back is still hurting but I'm supposed to ice it, and the ice feels really good! Then during the day I can put these patches on it to help get me through my work day.  I have work tomorrow, no real plans for Saturday or Sunday quite yet, then Monday I see my psychiatrist again, and then Tuesday I'm back to the chiropractor.  Somewhere in there I will make a dentists appointment.  I'm getting all my things on track.  No more screwing off....gonna get my crap together.  Weening off some of my meds, get my head on straight and thinking good and then to shave off these pounds.  Hopefully my back will be feeling better soon, because I miss the gym! 
Tonight Donna and I went to the pet store because I found out that they have a non prescription dry food for urinary support.  Ollie is on a canned food prescription urinary health but he sometimes gets into the dry food, so I figured I find a food like that so if he does eat it it will support his bladder!  I'm being so good to my boy, I might just be the best kitty momma yet!

I Can't be Perfect

Today I feel, hurt, confused, disappointed, angry, sad, mad, depressed, in pain, and tired. To top it off my alarm did't go off this morning, luckly Ollie woke me up at 9:32 am, and had to be to work by 10 am.   I punched in at 9:58 am! I think I did a pretty good job on my blog last night, I put a lot of heart and effort into it.  It took a lot to write all that information and show it all to everyone.  I use this blog to vent, and to journal.  I feel like I have to be perfect, that I have to please everyone.  Ever since I was younger I felt like I had to be the "good" girl and please everyone.  It all stems back to the very begining.  I was an oops baby.  My parents weren't ready to have me...which made me really close with my grandma Freida.  She is an amazing woman and a wonderful grandmother...I hate that I don't see her often.  When I was younger I felt like I had to compete with younger sister Malissa.  I felt like she was more important to my mom and Tom than me.  So I felt like if I could just be perfect for them they'll love and like me they do her.  So I did well in school to please them (granted it benefited me as well).  When my mom and papa divorced I was pulled in every which direction.  Stay with my mom because I'm biologically her daughter.  Live with my father because I'm blood related to him.  Deep down I wanted to go with papa because I knew I'd have a better life.   As I look back now, I remember my dad talking me into staying with him...he manipulated me with all these wonderful promises and how good life living with him would be.  So I was lead to believe that that was my only option, so I pleased him, not myself.  When my mother got out of jail, I was still untrusting and hurt but I saw her and did stuff with her because I knew that would make her happy, and my grandpa.  I graduated high school with a 4.0 so I could please all my family (it was good to graduate with that but I didn't do it for me), I did it all for them.  Then it was expected of me to just go from high school to college.  That's what would please my family.  I never even asked myself what I wanted....I asked myself what my family wanted of me, and I chose that answer instead of my own.  I've had headaches for a long time, but I just dealt with it because I didn't want to be a burden to my family.  When I was in my relationship with Chad, I wanted to do things that pleased him, I wanted him to be happy...it was all about him, and he let it be that way.  I've been sad and depressed inside for quite awhile, but I never let it show, and I never said a word to anyone because I didn't want to burden them.  I pasted on my smile and "played" nice.  No one would have guessed it if I hadn't had little slip ups here and there.  I hid it so long, it just got worse.  Now I have my up days (hours, minutes, moments) and my down days (hours, minutes, moments).  I feel like I am struggling with so many things and that I'm being a disappointment to my family and myself.  I look in the mirror everyday and I see the Krysta that put on some weight, not pretty, dependent, unintelligent, and a failure.  My weight has been something that I've been struggling with and it's weighing (no pun intended) on my mind.  Before my cruise I worked out at the gym at least 4 times a week.  I went on my cruise and gained a few more pounds because all you do is eat on the ship.  Then coming back from vacation you have to get back into the swing of things.  The first week was hard because Monday we traveled ALL day.  Then everyday after I worked and I was tired.  I guess I just wanted a vacation from my vacation.  Then when I am ready and wanting to go back to the gym my back has something wrong with it.....I don't wish this back pain on anyone, it hurts like hell.  It has even brought me to tears.  I have my doctor appointment tomorrow and also have off work so that will give me a little tlc.  I think that one or more of my medications has helped me pack on the pounds but if I go off my medications, what then? So all this stuff I'm feeling will be what? times ten? Then what? Then I go suicidal or postal?  I can't imagine being off my meds right now...I'd end up having a crazy nervous breakdown and in some loony bin.  Do you all want that? I don't!  Maybe I do want it, then it'd give me some time away.  I feel like I have all this pressure coming from ever which way.  I'm not pleasing others and I'm not pleasing myself.  I want to say thanks to my bff Anna...listening to me vent and cry even though I've been a shitty friend lately.  I'm sorry....see I'm failing at everything!  I really hope that I've hit my bottom and that I don't go further down....I just wish sometimes that I could go to sleep and not wake up until days, months, or years later.  I wish I could get a Chad hug right now....he was always pretty good at that!
To sum this all up, I can't please everyone and I can't be perfect.  After years of pleasing all of you, it's now time for me to focus on me, one step at a time.  I need to tackel each "problem" at a time.  The very first thing I need to focus on is my brain and all my meds.  I did to get my thinking straight and be happy with me inside before I can focus on school, moving out, and my weight....and whatever else I forgot to mention. 

Glass Half Empty

I mentioned in another blog post that I had a nice conversation with my Aunt Mary and Uncle Lee.  Normally Aunt Mary and I have some deep conversations and it's like a girl, cry, talk thing.  However, sometimes Uncle Lee will join in on the conversations, sometimes he just jumps in and other times I ask him for advice.  He seems to be very quiet most of the time and watches TV, reads, or is on the phone with work.  On Friday before we went to eat I told Aunt Mary and Uncle Lee that I needed advice.  My grandmother (my moms mom) had emailed me out of the blue, I don't talk to her like ever and then bam just because it's my birthday she emails.  So I was looking for some advice and direction.  I asked my mom first and she said that I should be the bigger person and just reply back with a simple message.  Aunt Mary said do what you feel is best, whether that is answering her or not.  I asked Uncle Lee's opinion and then it started into this whole thing with what's going on with me lately.  I don't really talk too much about what's going on with me to others in person except a select few.  Otherwise I just write it on here and it's easier because people read it and I'm not in front of them to scrutinize.  Uncle Lee as I've learned over the years and also through this conversation that he worked really hard to get to where he is in life now.  He was out of his parents house by the age of 18 and he worked his butt off in school.  There was a semester or two that he took a year off to work full time to earn money to pay for school and graduate.  He didn't graduate until he was in his 20's.  I told him that I am so burnt out on school, I cringe just thinking of going back relatively soon.  He said to me, what's wrong with that?  He told me that I should take the time I need, and when I feel ready to go back, I'll know!  Then we got onto the subject of my dad (Paul).  I haven't talked to my dad since like October I think.  He didn't call me on my birthday either.  I have a lot of resentment and anger inside about him.  I don't know how to rid it forever....I hate feeling like this!  Papa says I just need to accept everything at face value and move on.  Uncle Lee basically said the same thing, but he asked me questions which led up to accepting it for what it is.  The major thing I told him was that I want my dad to feel exactly how I felt/feel, or even just a ounce of what I felt/feel.  I want him to hurt like I do! I want him to see how it is for someone to be selfish when it comes to making decisions regarding children. I want him to go through everything I did with my parents.  I want him to feel guilty, I want him to regret things.  I want him to accept that I'm closer with Papa than I am him, and understand why it is that way.  I wish he could have been in my shoes all those years.  All those years my mom and him used drugs...I want him to be scared, angry, hurt, fearful, resentment, pain, confusion, sad, depressed, and alone.  OK there is a point to all of this....My second cousin (correct me if I'm wrong Anna) commented on my blog today and it was funny because it kind of ties in with the conversation I had with my aunt and uncle and how I've been feeling lately.  You can all see her comment I believe.  I just want to take a few minutes and respond to her comment.
Anna-
I'm happy that you keep up with my blog, sometimes I think no one reads it and I don't know why I'm writing.  Do you happen to shop at the Scrapbook Store in greenfield? Donna ("my step mom") works there.  I'm always open to comments and I've kept everything inside for so long it's just bursting out now so I'm OK with getting personal.  You are not the first person to tell me that I'm being too hard on myself, I think Donna says it to me like everyday!  I feel like if I think the worst than I can't get disappointed, and if something better happens than that's a plus.  I didn't know what I was going to write about but it came to me on the way home from work today.  I guess I feel guilty that I am taking time off of school.  I feel like I'm letting everyone down.  I mean I'm Krysta, Krysta was the one who graduated high school with honors and went off to Alverno College to be this amazing career woman. Now I'm taking time off and everyone who was pushing me on for graduating college are probably let down.  Like they supported me all these years and now what do I have to show them for it? NOTHING....I live at "home", I work full time paycheck to paycheck, I took time off of school, haven't graduated, don't have a boyfriend, fiance, house, apartment, or children.  So not only am I letting myself down, I'm letting all the support people down.  All the prepping of academics that Papa did with me and I'm not even graduated, I feel like I'm failing him and everyone else.  Papa taught me to be this really great person and I want to be a really great person but I don't feel like it.  I feel like a failure.  And he's so busy working two jobs to support us all, and here I am not being the person he taught me to be.  He taught me to be strong, independent, smart, beautiful, confident, have good morals, and be the best I can be....and I feel like I don't live up to those standards at this time in my life.  He works two jobs and he never gets to see or hear about all of this, because I'm too scared to talk to him about it, because he's either exhausted when he gets home late at night or I don't think I could stand the disappointment in his eyes.  Wow, Anna your comment made me think a lot I guess.  I want to be the person he taught me to be, but I don't feel independent (I live at "home"), I don't feel smart (not in school), I really don't feel beautiful since I've put on weight, same with confidence, not being the best I can be, because if I was doing that everything else would be in place.  I think the only thing going for me is having good morals.  You mention change is hard for you, I totally agree, I hate change I like structure, I'm not a fly by the seat of my pants (Malissa, where's this from?) kinda girl.  I'm trying to take it day by day, and I'm praying and hoping I can be all of those things Papa taught me to be.  I want to say thank you for the last part of your email.  You said, " And, you will find love again whether it is with Chad or someone else."  Everyone else says I will find love some where else and there's a lot of fish in the sea, etc.  You are maybe one of two people that include a possibility of a  future with Chad.  I'm not banking or counting on Chad.  I'm not sitting around waiting for him.  If some handsome man crossed my path and we click, I'll gladly take him!  However, I'm not out there looking at this point either (and Chad, I'm not sitting around waiting for you so you can stop thinking and saying that, just because I don't have another man in my life does it mean that I am waiting for you), I have a lot on my plate right now and it'd be really unfair to someone to bring them into this craziness LOL.
This all shows that I am a glass half empty type of person.....what are all of you?
The one thing that can bring me a smile to my face always or that I get content and happy about are Libby Lue and Ollie.  Those 2 cats are my life!  Libby doesn't like to take pictures like Ollie so here are some pictures below of him :)

He's my handsome boy!  The most handsome boy I know ;)  He is so in tuned with me and my emotions it's crazy sometimes!  I know they pets can pick up on all that stuff, but his is like that times 10!  Even the pet communicator said that he can feel all my feelings, and he picks up on me being anxious all the time (sorry Ollie Ollie).  Back in May 2011 when I got him I don't know why but I had to have him, I had this strong urge to have him!  Papa had to be the final decision maker but he said yes, because he's all about pleasing his girls and giving us all what we need and want (most of the time).  Are you catching on that Papa is a good dad? Ollie has such a unique character, he's feisty, funny, smart, playful, intuitive, and loving.  Whatever made me need him, I thank because I don't know what I'd do without him.  Even if he's going to cost me more money than other cats.  He has cystitis at the age of 1...sigh...means all canned food diet, a prescription urinary so feline food, moderate calorie because apparently he's fat.  OK, I'm done for today, wrote a good blog and did some crying in the midst of it.  Hope all of you are well!

Laundry Sunday

So I woke up a little after 10am today, needed extra sleep from not getting enough sleep the night before.  I cleaned up the living room, vacuumed, did the dishes, cleaned the cat boxes, and cleaned my room.  I sorted all my laundry and grabbed my big down blanket, and down mattress pad and washed them too!  It really sucked having to bring everything up the stairs into the car, then into the laundry mat, then all the way down the stairs at home...then make my bed and put away laundry.  I've had some lower back pain the last few weeks but I just chalked it up to sleeping weird or something like that and that it would go away in a couple weeks.  Well, it most definitely has not gone away!  It hurts worse than ever!  It's like a band around my lower back that just hurts.  Today it is at its worst!  On the right side it has more pain and it shoots down into my butt and down my leg.  I emailed my doctor to see what I should do about this. 
I have a lot on my mind today, but not like emotionally crying etc.  I'm thinking about my sister dating a new boy, and if it's the best choice for her and what the whole deal is with that whole situation.  She's been very quiet about all of it.  I guess I'm just an over protective sister.
Another thing is my whole texting thing with Chad on Friday night, early Saturday morning.  My sister said that he texted her too but she was sleeping.  He asked me why all of a sudden I text him? jw.....It's been running through my mind why he asked that question.  Does he think about me? Does he want to talk to me but won't because he thinks it kills me every time I do??? I don't know!  I just get so irritated with myself that he's ALWAYS on my mind!  No matter how hard I try, he's still just there!  Part of me likes that though.  I just don't know anymore!
Today Donna give me an envelope from Gloria....she's the one who was on the cruise with us.  She got me a really nice birthday card and a gift card to Starbucks...she really didn't have to do that but I thank her anyway! 
I just sent an email to my doctor to see what I should do about my back.  I got my nails done yesterday and they look so good today!
I love this song below..

Love, Love, Love this song!

Will I ever feel ok?

Last night I had dinner with my aunt and uncle, I think I mentioned that in last nights blog.  Last night I was reading before going to bed.  I've made deal with myself that if I have something during the day that makes me think of Chad (i.e. like a song, car, saying etc) I will not contact him or text him unless it is still weighing heavy on my mind by the end of the night.  Yesterday I heard this new song from Tim McGraw. It's called Better than I used to be.

I heard this song on my way to work yesterday for the first time, and it instantly made me think of Chad. I know lots of people think Chad is this horrible person that has hurt me time after time.  But, I've forgiven him for the past...I'll never forget but I do forgive.  People get lost and take the wrong road and make poor decisions, but you live and you learn. Thinking of this song reminding me of Chad was still weighing heavy on my mind at quarter to 12 so I texted him with just the name of the song and the artist.  His response at 4am was I bet.  I told him that it was a new song by him and it made me think of him.  He asked why all of a sudden I texted him....I said that it made me think of him and I knew that if I didn't say anything to him it'd bug me.  He said he liked the song.  I was up all night getting sick :( Today I saw Hunger Games with Auntie Mary, I tried eating some pretzel bites and my tummy was feeling OK. I went to get my nails done and I had to wait forever but they look beautiful.  I went out to dinner with Malissa and Papa at Ruby Tuesday...and now my tummy's not feeling so great :( Why can't I eat anything without getting a tummy ache?  I hope I'm not up all night again!  Momma Donna is working all weekend, and I miss her!

Happy Birthday

Well, the big question of the day is, How does it feel to be 24? Honestly, it does feel a little different.  I feel like I should have accomplished more, done more things, have more things, and not feel as lost as I feel.  A few years ago I had this picture in my head of where I'd be in 4-5 years, and where I am is not where I want to be.  I put so much time and effort into school, and I haven't even finished that.  I put so much time, effort, trust, and love into my relationship with Chad thinking that we were going somewhere after so many years...that we would take larger steps in our relationship...and look now he doesn't give a shit about me.  I guess it was all an illusion.  You really never get what you want. Last night I had dinner with my mom and grandpa, it was very nice, however when I got home I got sick, and was in and out of the bathroom all night.  Up all night with stomach pains and it was like that all day today too :(  What a nice birthday hey? Sick, raining, and to top it off I'm feeling really melancholy today, especially about Chad.  On the way to work, I was like I should stop for a ginger ale, but I got Starbucks instead, big mistake, HUGE! (Missy and Donna, where is that from?) I heard this new song on the radio by Tim McGraw called Better than I used to be.  I think the song was written for Chad.  My first instinct or thought was Oh I have to text him and tell him.  I didn't do that yet....I shouldn't but it's weighing heavy on my mind.  I had dinner with my aunt and uncle tonight, they took me for my favorite food-sushi....however, my stomach hurt so bad I couldn't finish it :(   That's definitely not like me!  Papa is supposed to be home soon to watch a movie with him.  I guess a few things bothered me today....besides what I already mentioned.  My grandma (mom's mom) never talks to me, never calls, never see her, and she doesn't know a thing about me, writes me an  email this morning saying Happy Birthday and do I have any big plans for the day? Really? Seriously? What a fake!  My mom told me to be the bigger person and politely answer her back.....and all my morals that I was taught growing up would do just that....but what if I don't want to be the bigger person? I don't know, but I haven't emailed her back yet.  Another sad thing is that my dad didn't call, text, email, or fb me happy birthday. This just proves to me that Papa is the better father.  A great man is a man that takes in a daughter that isn't even his.  The best thing my mom ever did was meet and marry Papa.  Another thing she did/does is not criticize papa and my relationship and tell me that I should have a better relationship with my father.  She's always been supportive of papa and I.  It means a lot to me that she does that, and it means more than the world, more than even words that Papa has kept me in his life.  I wouldn't be the woman today that I am without his fatherly influence and love.  Him and I don't always get along but I love him a lot!  No matter what, he will always be my papa, nothing will ever change that...he's my father! 
To "end" my night, I'm laying on the couch, drinking ginger ale, cuddling with boo, getting ready to watch a movie when Papa gets home.
Which reminds me, earlier I was laying down in my room and Ollie like knew I wasn't feeling good, he was following me, and I went to lay on the floor and he followed me. I was laying on my tummy and he got down and laid with me.  Laid on his back and looked at me like, OK mom what are we doing this for? He kept his face so close and he was kissing and nuzzling me, and purring as loud as ever.....moments like that make it all worth it.  The money to feed them, and to take care of them medically is all worth it, for that one moment or moments like that.  He got me to smile today, he seems to always know what I need.  He's my Ollie boy :)

Longest Week Ever!

So, my last post was on Sunday but I never followed up with what's going on with Ollie.  So I brought him to work with me on Monday because he needed blood work done anyway.  They did an exam, drew blood, did a cysto and UA.  After all of that (me hoping that it's something medical and not behavioral: I know that sounds bad but really it's for the best), Ollie has cystitis.  Cystitis is the inflammation of the bladder.  To treat this, he had some sub q fluids (which he was super naughty for!), his diet changed to canned food, and some anti-inflammatory meds.  Thanks so much to Dr.Schultz who helped and figured what was wrong with my boy.  On Tuesday, I was talking with MC about Ollie because she wasn't in on Monday and she suggested that we put him on a prescription urinary food.  So basically it helps with his water intake and it specializes for the bladder and urine issues.  He's been really good about going potty in his litter box since Monday.  That was the major part of my week, my mind has seemed consumed with everything Ollie.  I know some people don't understand how people can love their pets so much and go to great lengths to help them.  I have to say that 4 years ago, I would be one of those people because I didn't understand all that medical stuff, and the money issue obviously.  However, working at BRAH for the last 4 years has opened my eyes to all things medical for pets.  I have learned so much about vet medicine because of the great staff at BRAH.  They are always willing to teach and explain things at length.  I am now one of the owners that will ask the medical questions and how can we treat this? I won't just think, oh that's a lot of money, gotta euthanize.  I've loved every pet I've ever had but when you gain knowledge, you gain more time with your pets.  Ollie is only 1 years old and this happened.  I wish you could adopt a pet and know it's future and what it will cost you.  Hello! Though that may be wished about it'll never happen.  So you have to roll with the punches.  If you don't believe in helping your pets when things get bad than you should never have owned a pet.  Some things are so easily fixed!  OK, that was my rant about loving, owning, and taking great care for your pets!
The other major thing I did this week was go to my first psychiatrist appointment.  For the longest time I didn't want to talk about this part of my life, I don't know if I was embarrassed or what, just didn't want to talk about it.  My appointment went really great and she's switching some of my meds around and I am happy with the doctor that I found.  I'm on my road to "recovery", or at least I hope I am!

Blood, Sweat, and Tears

Today was such a busy day.  I woke up late morning, went to rent a carpet cleaner to clean the carpets at home today.  I thought it would be so easy, but it was a pain in the ass!  I was sweating my ass off!  Then I took the cat boxes outside and scrubbed them while Josh cleaned up the basement.  The basement was all done, smelled so good. Then I came upstairs, swept the floor, did the dishes, and then mopped the floor.  Put everything back in the living room because the floor was pretty dry.  Then I went outside and wiped down the inside of my car.  After all that I still had a headache, I don't know why it wouldn't go away.  Then I took a shower after all that hard work today....see I told you, I put all my blood, sweat, and tears into today.....OK, OK, maybe not my blood or tears but I sure put my sweat into it.  I was planning to go to the gym today but I think I got my work out in with everything  I did today.  Donna was so nice and brought my my favorite Starbucks.  Had dinner which was yummy...and I only had one helping....I'm really trying to cut my portions of food down, as well as going to the gym so that I can start losing some pounds.  Then the biggest thing that I accomplished today was, papa had Chad fix his truck today, so papa had Chads car today, therefore Chad had to come and drop off Papa's truck...and I went and gave him the check, and sat outside and watched a few you tube videos and talked with Donna, Chad, and Jordan for awhile....and I'm OK...I'm not upset and I haven't/won't cry.  Donna asked me how I thought he looked and I said as cute as he always is...why does he have to be so cute? Why can't he just be ugly so it would be easier to just let go.  Wishful thinking there on my part, because I think he'll always look really good.  One thing that I will say is, seeing him makes me miss him even more.  However, I'm going to be OK....I just need to take every day at a time, maybe every hour at a time, and sometimes just take it a minute at a time.  I have my first psychiatrist appointment tomorrow...I'm working 8-1230, my appt is at 1, then back to work right after.  Hopefully she will be awesome and help figure out my meds and narrow some stuff down to help "fix" me.  I'm also in a book club and I still need to finish reading 2 books by Wednesday...I don't think I'm going to make it, lol.  I was supposed to go out with my bff Anna and Sherry last night but I just don't have the money because I spent it on my cruise and my check was low from not working.  It was well worth it though....my cruise was awesome, and just what I needed!  It just sucks that I don't have anything to look forward to now.  My birthday is next Friday but I'm not looking forward to it, and I don't have any plans.  Donna's going on a krop the whole weekend, I'm sure Papa and Malissa have to work.....my birthday won't be anything special.  I wish we could just skip it all together...it's just a reminder that I haven't accomplished much in my 24 years.  Everyone says that I have, but I just don't feel like I have.  5 years ago, looking ahead I had a much different picture for my life than what it is now.  5 years ago, I was fine, I was happy, I was content....or I was okay at the time.  Now, when I think about my life I think I'm going to be 24 and I still live at "home", I haven't graduated from college, I work at a place that I live paycheck to paycheck, I don't have a boyfriend, I don't have a fiance, I don't have a husband, I'm not pregnant, I don't have any kids, I'm no where.  I used to be the girl that knew where she wanted to be, and what she wanted to do.  Now I wake up in the morning and I don't even know which Krysta I'll be.  I don't know anything anymore....I don't know where to go or what to do....I feel lost in the crowd, I feel like every ones gotten on the train and I lost my ticket.  Besides living at "home", I wish I could just catch a break somewhere with some other aspect of my life.  If one other thing good comes my way, I believe it will be a domino effect and I'll get better and better.  Day after day, I ask myself the same questions....what do I want? What should I do with my life? Were the last 7/8 years a waste of my life/time.  Is he the one? Am I not listening to my brain? Is there someone else out there that will make me feel like I do when I'm with him? I find it very hard to believe.  Hell, I don't even believe in myself anymore, than to believe that someone else would believe in me and love me.  Family and parents don't count, because that's just a given.  My brain feels like it's in overdrive and that it's going to explode one day soon.  Wish me luck tomorrow.
~signed...lost and confused Krysta

Wish I could See

So the last few days have been a little crazy, and they've gone by so fast!  Monday I got back from my cruise...that was the craziest day ever!  Woke up at 6am Florida time, got to the airport a little after 7, our plane left Florida at 9am, we flew for 4 hours to Denver...however the time in Denver was roughly 11:30am...so we flew for 4 hours but only went ahead 2 hours in time.  Our plane from Denver was supposed to leave at 12:15, but it was delayed.  So we left Denver at 1:00pm and arrived in Milwaukee by a little after 4pm but we had been flying for like 2 and a half hours...I don't know it had be all mixed up and I never knew what time or day it was.  Papa, Malissa, and Jordan picked us up from the airport and they had Starbucks waiting for us!  That was so nice of them, it was much needed.  I felt bad for Donna because she felt real sick on the flight home from Denver.  We got our bags and then came home and unpacked my bags.  After that I realized I needed to do laundry really bad.  So my wonderful sissy Malissa came with me to the laundry mat to get all our laundry done.  Came home and wrote a blog, then went to bed.  Yesterday I worked 8-6pm, the day was long and crazy busy because I had to catch up on things from while I was gone.  By the time I got home I was so tired.  Tonight I got sushi and had a nice talk with Jordan....kind of funny that a lot of my good talks are with an 8 year old.  Sometimes she seems so wise beyond her years.  She totally listens and gets what I say.  Its really kind of crazy...I can talk to her about how I feel about work stuff, stuff with random little things, and things about Chad.  She totally gets it!  Tonight I picked her up to watch her for Malissa, we stopped at Walgreens and she was in a crappy mood because Papa was making her do all this extra times table stuff.  So we had a nice talk on the way to pick up food.  Afterwards she said to me, "Sissy, you always make me feel better!  Whenever I'm down or in a bad mood you help, and then I feel better!"  It melted my heart when she said that.  I told her that she does the same with me...she makes me feel better all the time! 
I'm sad to say that my vision hasn't changed back to normal yet...if it even will at all.  I can see things far away but anything I have to read or type I can't see and have to use reading glasses.  To top it off, I keep forgetting that I need the glasses to see things...I'll start to read something and I'll see blur and realize that, "oh yea I need the glasses to see!" 
Lastly, I'm running down to the last minute on my book club books....I have one done so far, which is The Shack, which I highly recommend!  The other ones I have to finish by next Wednesday are The Hunger Games (book 1), and The Stolen Life. 
I said above that that was the last thing I wanted to say, but I have one other thing on my mind that I wasn't going to mention but I think I'll feel better if I just talk about it.  I've been thinking a lot about Chad (my ex) and we've always had this weird connection thing where we can get this feeling that the other is off in someway or not doing well, you know? Something to that sort.  I've been having that feeling that for a bit now...so as much as shouldn't care, I do care, always have, always will.  I don't know if he reads this or not, but I sincerely hope that he is OK, and if something is going on that he will make it through it, and that he isn't a bad person, or a piece of shit...that he can be a good person, I know he can, he just has to believe in himself and start making better decisions....because you only get one chance in life, so you should make it the best one.  No regrets, and no what ifs.  Lastly (I promise it really is the last thing), I just want him to know that I'm always here, I'll always love him, he just has to say the word and I'll be there!

Cruisin' and Snoozen"

Right now I am in bright and sunny Miami, Florida!  My cruise week was awesome!  And I am going to tell you all about it, day by day. However I won't post pictures on here, they will be on Facebook by next week.  So here are each days activities.

Day 1: March 2nd, 2012
Donna and I had our bags packed and ready to go by 9am.  Jeff took us to the airport and we checked in our luggage.  We boarded our plane a little before noon, and arrived in Baltimore, to get our connecting flight to Fort Lauderdale.  When we arrived that we got our luggage and went to our hotel. We fell asleep, and while we were sleeping Gloria and Pam had gotten in. 

Day 2: March 3, 2012
We checked into the boat, they took all are luggage for us, got our sign and sail cards, then they ushered us up to the lido deck to eat lunch right away.  By the time we were done eating our room was ready for us with our luggage outside our door. The room was nice, had comfy beds, shower was a little small, but all in all it was nice. We were assigned to a table in the Washington dining room table 579.  It was a nice little booth for the 4 of us. They had so much to choose from, and you could order one of everything if you wanted!  After eating each time it felt weird not paying them, because usually when you leave a restaurant you pay but on the boat all the food was free, unless you ate in the steakhouse.  They also included ice tea, water, lemonade, apple juice, milk, and some other juices for breakfast, and all of those were free as well.  If you wanted soda or a drink you had to use your sail and sign card.  It's hard to remember what else we did that night.  I know we did something but I can't quite remember at this moment.  I know we watched the ship take off and went through a safety drill, then dinner, but after dinner I don't quite remember what we did...my guesses are the game show mania or the welcome aboard show.  Gloria, Pam, or Donna, if you know you can comment but  I can't remember now!

***At this point I am at home in Milwaukee

Day 3: March 4, 2012
This day was a day at sea....so we acclimated ourselves to the ship.  We put on our swimsuits and hit the lounge chairs to soak up the sun.  We had breakfast, lunch, then came in from the sun to shower and get ready for dinner.  After dinner, there was this little java cafe that was set next to this hallway that had a bunch of leather couches and chairs.  It was the best place to people watch.  That probably was the highlight of our nights! lol  As glo would say, "you can have it your way, but don't get crazy!"  We went to the showtime in the main theater, it was just a lot of skinny girls dancing around in netted tights and thongs...yes thongs!  I was like OMG, there are little children here, isn't it a family show? However, the show was really cool.  Every night they would come in and turn our bedding out for us and leave a little towel animal.  I don't remember which one we got this day but it was cool!

Day 4: March 5,  
This day we were arriving on the island of Grand Turks.  We ate breakfast and got off the boat.  Grand Turks was beautiful and really awesome to see.  We went shopping and just walked around. Close to when we had to be back on the boat Donna and I got a drink and sat and watched all these different contests that the margarita ville was having.  It was funny to watch.  We then got back on the ship showered and got ready for dinner.  After dinner we went to the gender showdown, then afterwards we watched The Marriage Show....it was hilarious.  They picked out of the audience the newest newly weds, the longest couple that was married, and then one couple that was in the middle of the two.  The old couple was real funny because the old man wasn't all there...which made the show pretty funny but I still felt bad for them.  The middle aged couple was also funny.  The newly weds pretty much agreed on everything so it wasn't as funny.  All the while this was going on we were on our way to the Dominican Republic. 
Day 5: March 6, 2012
Gloria and Pam scheduled an excursion so they were already gone by the time Donna and I were up.  It's hard to tell what time it is in the stateroom because there are no windows.  So it was already lunch time by the time we were up and ready.  We ate quick and then got off the boat to see the DR.  First of all, there were security people everywhere!  Then there was only one shop to shop from.  We were just browsing through the store and Gloria and Pam came back from their excursion.  We went back on the ship because there was nothing to do in the DR and those security guys were just creepy!    We just poked around on board, did some tanning, played some cards, nothing special.  We went to dinner and then went to the main theater and watched the showtime event of the night.  After that show we went to the see the adult only Carnival Quest.  It was funny, they made the guys wear the ladies bras and stuff.  Then it was time for bed!
Day 6: March 7, 2012
This day was fun, we went to Curacao!  They had so much shopping there!  Everywhere you looked was a place to shop.  Pam and Gloria went off on their own for awhile because they got off the boat later than us and missed what we already had seen.  We agreed to meet them at the Starbucks (yes they had a Starbucks!).  Donna and I were just walking around, and we had to take a ferry across to get to the other shops.  On the way back we got super lost, and the neighborhood started to look a little shady :( I was like I don't want to be stuck in the Curacao ghetto!  A few women passed us and Donna stopped them by asking if they spoke English which made them a little mad. However, they gave us directions, and after we walked away they made fun of us.  Another lady on the way walked up to us and told us which way to go, she also said you need to hurry because you don't want to be in this area after dark.  So we were super freaked!  We met up with Gloria and  Pam, got back on the boat.   It was too late to have dinner in the dining room so we ate up on the lido deck where the buffet was.  We watched the showtime of the night.  After that we watched some karaoke and super star live.  It was funny and amazing at the same time.  People have to have lots of courage to get up there and sing in front of everyone!  God knows I wouldn't be able to get up there and sing in front of a huge crowd! 
Day 7: March 8, 2012
This day we had planned an excursion while we were in Aruba!  We were on a tour bus with a driver that was awesome!  He spoke all the info to us in English, and then repeated it in Spanish for the others that only understood it in Spanish.  We stopped at this place where a broken bridge was....it had lava rocks and big waves.  We stopped at a light house, but I didn't get off to see that because I sure didn't want to climb all the way up.  I really had to pee while waiting in the van for Pam and Donna...and to go pee you had to pay them!  Seriously? So you know what I did? I held it....I am not going to pay someone to pee!  The last stop was the beach...this beach was so pretty.  The sand was so white, and soft.  The water was teal, blue, and green.  I went in and swam for a bit...then laid out in the sun while glo, Donna, and Pam walked down the beach.  Our van picked us back up and took us to the shopping area of Aruba.  We shopped for awhile, then got back on the boat.  Too late for our dining room time so we ate on the lido deck where the buffet is.  We went to the showtime at 8:30 and 10:30 this night because this Motown singer Marcus Anthony was singing...he was really good.  He picked people out of the audience and danced with them and made couples get up on stage and dance.  During the second showing we had moved closer and he was singing, started walking towards our row (Donna, me, glo, and Pam in that order seated), I thought for sure he was coming to me (I hate that kind of stuff makes me all self conscious.  However, he wasn't coming for me, he took Gloria.  I've never seen her act the way she did...she was giggling like a little school girl.  We got some good pictures of it, she told him her husband is going to kill her. 
Day 8: March 9, 2012
This was a day at sea because the boat was making its way back to Miami.  So we soaked up the sun and got our tan on.  Mostly just ate, played cards, read, and sit by the java cafe on the couches and people watch!  We had dinner then went to the showtime of the night.  The nights theme was the 80's!  I think it was my favorite showtime!  They did all old school 80's music, apparel, songs, and dances.  After the show we went to see two comedy shows, which were both pretty good!
Day 9: March 10, 2012
This was our last day on the ship, woke up kind of sad.  We basically did what we did the day before, ate breakfast, went out and tanned for awhile, then had lunch, then went back to our rooms to shower, get ready for dinner, and start packing.  I had most of my stuff packed before dinner.  We had a good dinner and then decided against going to the show this night.  We all met at the couches by the java cafe and people watched and played cards for awhile.  Pam left a little early to start packing.  Gloria, Donna, and I people watched some more then went up to the lido deck at like 10:30pm to get some ice cream and pizza for Gloria.  When we got back to our room we had monkey shaped towel in our room! That was my favorite of the whole week, they left one each night.  You will see pics soon. 
Day 10: March 11, 2012
Woke up extra early today because they wanted us off the ship by 7:45 am.  So we woke at 6am then went to breakfast, back to our rooms to get our bags, then we had to "sign out".  Then we had to go through customs which was another long line of stupidness!  They basically looked at your paper work and let us through....I don't get it....felt like a waste of time.  Finally we were cleared to go.  We waited for our cab driver to take Donna and I to the hotel, and Gloria and Pam to the airport.  They didn't have our room ready because it was so early so Donna and I just sat and talked.  Finally we got our room and we both layed on the bed and fell asleep and took a long nap.  Then we woke up got our suits on and sat out by the pool.  We ordered dinner, then went to the gas station.  On the way back from the gas station Donna said she saw a cat,  I didn't see it at first, but it was a little baby kitten running around and scared.  I said a little prayer for it to not get injured.  We watched TV and went to bed to wake up early the next morning. 
Day 11: March 12, 2012
Woke up at 6am (was supposed to get a wake up call but they never did, so lucky I set my phone alarm.  We got ready, checked out and took the airport shuttle to the airport, waiting in line for a bit to check in and give them our bags.  Our first flight left Florida at 9am....we were flying into Denver.  The pilot said it would take 4 hours.  So when we got to Denver it was only 1130.  Because of the time difference and all the day light savings crap our whole week/weekend was confusing!  Our flight from Denver to MKE was supposed to leave at 12:15 but was delayed until 1:00pm for mechanical issues.  We got on the plane to take off, and Donna said she was gonna throw up...I was so worried for her.  I made her drink water, and breath in and out real slow.  She didn't throw up but the whole way home she felt miserable.  We finally got off the plane and met Papa, Malissa, and Jo at the main terminal.  Got our bags and came home.  I unpacked right away, to get it over with.  I really needed to do laundry because I had no clean scrubs.  So Malissa and I went to the laundry mat to get all of our laundry done at once.  It's nice because if you have a lot of laundry you can wash a bunch at once!  We came home and I changed purses and organized everything. 
So that was the gist of my trip...any questions? Just ask!
On another note
While on the ship I read the book called, "The Shack"...for my book club and it was really good...made me think a lot.  The cruise was amazing because it took my mind off of stuff and helped me get some clarity.  I thought a lot about Chad the whole trip, especially reading that book.  I still miss him, a lot....I'd be lying if I said I didn't.  I was thinking about the relationship inventory that I posted awhile ago....it made it seem like Chad was this horrible piece of shit....and it wasn't meant to come out like that...it was more about getting the facts of the past out there on paper or whatever to see how far I've come.  Even after all the bad things, the past, and his guilt...I still love him.  I know he questions that all the time, how could I love him after everything in the past? I honestly don't have an answer for that...I wish I did but I don't.  So since he can't figure that out he lets the past and questions get in the way.  When him and I were good, we were really good, but when we were bad, we were really bad.  However, to this day I still believe in him, I know deep down all of his struggles and past all that, that he is a good person...he just got lost along the way.  Who hasn't gotten lost before? Hell, I'm lost now!  Back on land I had gotten a text from him, I asked if he sent it by mistake and he said no y? The last time I included him in an email that I sent out to everyone he told me to not contact him...so I found it shocking that he'd text me.  There was a little more to that convo just not too important.  So, the conclusion I came to after this nice relaxing week...is that I am going to focus on me right now.  I am going to work out at the gym more, and change my portion sizes of food.  I wanna lose this weight!  (Part of me thought that Chad would be a good motivator and work out "buddy")  Besides all that about me, I am going to just go with the flow....if someone comes along and sweeps me off my feet then so be it...but I'm not going to be out there and searching.  And NO I am not waiting around for Chad to come to his senses and wakes up and smells the coffee, or that the grass isn't greener on the other side.  I hope he doesn't realize it too late for his sake and mine.  I still love him to death and after everything I still feel that way.  I don't get why, but that's just what my heart and gut are telling me to think this way.  Maybe he'll come around, maybe he won't....I just have to take it day by day. 
On another note, a few days before leaving the boat for land, my eyes started acting funny like when I had my mioptic shift except in reverse....before I could see anything unless it was super close to my eyes....this time I can see far but can't see close up to read my book, text message, phone calls, emails, etc you get the drift.  So I have some reader glasses that help with that.  I keep forgetting about having to put the glasses on when I am checking a text and then can't read it and I say to myself, aah shit I need my glasses.  It sucks and I hope it goes back to normal like the first time it happened. 
I know this is a lot to read but it's been awhile for a blog post.  I'm sorry about days that I don't remember too much, but time flies when you re having fun! 

One last thing, Gloria made me laugh so much during the trip because she did quotes and dialogs of this bon qui qui you tube video.  If you haven't seen it, you NEED to watch it...I'll post the link below!

Fun in the sun, Here I come!

So tomorrow morning I leave to go to Florida, and then Saturday my cruise ship leaves...I will be gone until March 12th!  I am so happy to be getting the hell out of here!  I'm going with 2 of my favorite people, so it should be fun.  I also have saved up money for spending and fun.  I hope this trip helps bring me back to a brighter, happier, more grounded Krysta.  I've been feeling burnt out for awhile now.  So my wish or hopes are to do just that..come back with the 'old' Krysta.  Today I feel anxious, irritated, excited, exhausted, and I still feel betrayed.  I will be reachable until at least Saturday night by cell phone, texting etc....during the week I don't know if I'll get reception, if I do, it'll only be for texting or email.  So hope you all have a good week.