Fantasy World

Well, hello there.....I've been off the grid for awhile. I seem to go in spurts of my ups and downs. So what's been going on? Well I'm still working at the animal hospital.....drives me crazy most days. We took Bailey to have his surgery about a week ago, and he seems to be recovery ok. Asher is being the same old Asher which I'm sure is getting into trouble. I find that my best thoughts and the most often I get thoughts are when I am on ambien. I have trouble sleeping take one of thos suckers and I get all emotional and everything rushes forward to my mind. So if parts don't make sense, I did forwarn you. But don't be afraid to ask questions! Lately, I feel stressed.....about everything 1) My weight....I want to lose weight, but I don't want to have to change what I eat, and it pisses me off! 2) working out....I flippin hate it....only reason I do it is to try with helping to lose weight however when I do get into a place with it, it's ok, but then makes me feel guilty that I'm not working hard enough 3) I don't want to go on our family cruise looking like complete garbage, apparently I've already gone on one cruise that I looked like complete garbage on the whole time! 4) I want the people that I'm going to go on this cruise with actually want to go, and go with me. Donna seems happy, Jordan seems happy, Josh seems happy, I can't really tell if Malisssa is happy or not for it and papa he makes comments like why be so excited were just going with the people we live with and see everyday? Well that makes me feel so wanted to go. NOT! 5) My brakes need to be done in my car which is a shit ton of money that I don't have...unresolved issue as of yet 6) I have to go to the dentist for a few things and thats another 65 dollars....unresolved there too! 7) Have to pay work this week too 60 dollars 8)watching all my tv shows and netflix gets me wrapped in a fictional world, lets me believe things can actually happen 9) I've been reading books lately, really good books, but they're about falling in love and having a great relationship and all that good stuff.....nice to bury my head into....but then where does my head go when I finish the book? It stays with me and makes me dream things I shouldn't/can't be dreaming because it's NEVER going to happen to me. All those books through relationships, time, energy, man falling for you for who you really are, falling for you even if you're not the ideal weight.......all that stuff I am never going to find. I'm never going to find that guy! A guy so simple yet he excepts me for who I am and fall madly in love with me. 10) I want to go back to school to finish my classes at alverno, but not sure when because of money and if its even still interesting to me 11) my car payments suck ass too! 12) my friend Sherry came over and she did highlights in my hair on Saturday. I don't know what else to say......listening to me sometimes sounds like a record player. I've already had enough of the there's more fish in the sea, you'll meet the right one, etc but I hate it....I want them to come to me, chase me down, persue me....like me (all of me) know what I mean? Any idea where I could find that person? lol I thought I had one but I guess the element of surprise turned in the wrong direction for me. He was gone before I could even think long term......sad because who knows where that could have went.....right Chad Taplin? I better sign off now before I say anymore confusing things.