I Can't be Perfect

Today I feel, hurt, confused, disappointed, angry, sad, mad, depressed, in pain, and tired. To top it off my alarm did't go off this morning, luckly Ollie woke me up at 9:32 am, and had to be to work by 10 am.   I punched in at 9:58 am! I think I did a pretty good job on my blog last night, I put a lot of heart and effort into it.  It took a lot to write all that information and show it all to everyone.  I use this blog to vent, and to journal.  I feel like I have to be perfect, that I have to please everyone.  Ever since I was younger I felt like I had to be the "good" girl and please everyone.  It all stems back to the very begining.  I was an oops baby.  My parents weren't ready to have me...which made me really close with my grandma Freida.  She is an amazing woman and a wonderful grandmother...I hate that I don't see her often.  When I was younger I felt like I had to compete with younger sister Malissa.  I felt like she was more important to my mom and Tom than me.  So I felt like if I could just be perfect for them they'll love and like me they do her.  So I did well in school to please them (granted it benefited me as well).  When my mom and papa divorced I was pulled in every which direction.  Stay with my mom because I'm biologically her daughter.  Live with my father because I'm blood related to him.  Deep down I wanted to go with papa because I knew I'd have a better life.   As I look back now, I remember my dad talking me into staying with him...he manipulated me with all these wonderful promises and how good life living with him would be.  So I was lead to believe that that was my only option, so I pleased him, not myself.  When my mother got out of jail, I was still untrusting and hurt but I saw her and did stuff with her because I knew that would make her happy, and my grandpa.  I graduated high school with a 4.0 so I could please all my family (it was good to graduate with that but I didn't do it for me), I did it all for them.  Then it was expected of me to just go from high school to college.  That's what would please my family.  I never even asked myself what I wanted....I asked myself what my family wanted of me, and I chose that answer instead of my own.  I've had headaches for a long time, but I just dealt with it because I didn't want to be a burden to my family.  When I was in my relationship with Chad, I wanted to do things that pleased him, I wanted him to be happy...it was all about him, and he let it be that way.  I've been sad and depressed inside for quite awhile, but I never let it show, and I never said a word to anyone because I didn't want to burden them.  I pasted on my smile and "played" nice.  No one would have guessed it if I hadn't had little slip ups here and there.  I hid it so long, it just got worse.  Now I have my up days (hours, minutes, moments) and my down days (hours, minutes, moments).  I feel like I am struggling with so many things and that I'm being a disappointment to my family and myself.  I look in the mirror everyday and I see the Krysta that put on some weight, not pretty, dependent, unintelligent, and a failure.  My weight has been something that I've been struggling with and it's weighing (no pun intended) on my mind.  Before my cruise I worked out at the gym at least 4 times a week.  I went on my cruise and gained a few more pounds because all you do is eat on the ship.  Then coming back from vacation you have to get back into the swing of things.  The first week was hard because Monday we traveled ALL day.  Then everyday after I worked and I was tired.  I guess I just wanted a vacation from my vacation.  Then when I am ready and wanting to go back to the gym my back has something wrong with it.....I don't wish this back pain on anyone, it hurts like hell.  It has even brought me to tears.  I have my doctor appointment tomorrow and also have off work so that will give me a little tlc.  I think that one or more of my medications has helped me pack on the pounds but if I go off my medications, what then? So all this stuff I'm feeling will be what? times ten? Then what? Then I go suicidal or postal?  I can't imagine being off my meds right now...I'd end up having a crazy nervous breakdown and in some loony bin.  Do you all want that? I don't!  Maybe I do want it, then it'd give me some time away.  I feel like I have all this pressure coming from ever which way.  I'm not pleasing others and I'm not pleasing myself.  I want to say thanks to my bff Anna...listening to me vent and cry even though I've been a shitty friend lately.  I'm sorry....see I'm failing at everything!  I really hope that I've hit my bottom and that I don't go further down....I just wish sometimes that I could go to sleep and not wake up until days, months, or years later.  I wish I could get a Chad hug right now....he was always pretty good at that!
To sum this all up, I can't please everyone and I can't be perfect.  After years of pleasing all of you, it's now time for me to focus on me, one step at a time.  I need to tackel each "problem" at a time.  The very first thing I need to focus on is my brain and all my meds.  I did to get my thinking straight and be happy with me inside before I can focus on school, moving out, and my weight....and whatever else I forgot to mention.