Today was such a busy day. I woke up late morning, went to rent a carpet cleaner to clean the carpets at home today. I thought it would be so easy, but it was a pain in the ass! I was sweating my ass off! Then I took the cat boxes outside and scrubbed them while Josh cleaned up the basement. The basement was all done, smelled so good. Then I came upstairs, swept the floor, did the dishes, and then mopped the floor. Put everything back in the living room because the floor was pretty dry. Then I went outside and wiped down the inside of my car. After all that I still had a headache, I don't know why it wouldn't go away. Then I took a shower after all that hard work today....see I told you, I put all my blood, sweat, and tears into today.....OK, OK, maybe not my blood or tears but I sure put my sweat into it. I was planning to go to the gym today but I think I got my work out in with everything I did today. Donna was so nice and brought my my favorite Starbucks. Had dinner which was yummy...and I only had one helping....I'm really trying to cut my portions of food down, as well as going to the gym so that I can start losing some pounds. Then the biggest thing that I accomplished today was, papa had Chad fix his truck today, so papa had Chads car today, therefore Chad had to come and drop off Papa's truck...and I went and gave him the check, and sat outside and watched a few you tube videos and talked with Donna, Chad, and Jordan for awhile....and I'm OK...I'm not upset and I haven't/won't cry. Donna asked me how I thought he looked and I said as cute as he always is...why does he have to be so cute? Why can't he just be ugly so it would be easier to just let go. Wishful thinking there on my part, because I think he'll always look really good. One thing that I will say is, seeing him makes me miss him even more. However, I'm going to be OK....I just need to take every day at a time, maybe every hour at a time, and sometimes just take it a minute at a time. I have my first psychiatrist appointment tomorrow...I'm working 8-1230, my appt is at 1, then back to work right after. Hopefully she will be awesome and help figure out my meds and narrow some stuff down to help "fix" me. I'm also in a book club and I still need to finish reading 2 books by Wednesday...I don't think I'm going to make it, lol. I was supposed to go out with my bff Anna and Sherry last night but I just don't have the money because I spent it on my cruise and my check was low from not working. It was well worth it though....my cruise was awesome, and just what I needed! It just sucks that I don't have anything to look forward to now. My birthday is next Friday but I'm not looking forward to it, and I don't have any plans. Donna's going on a krop the whole weekend, I'm sure Papa and Malissa have to work.....my birthday won't be anything special. I wish we could just skip it all together...it's just a reminder that I haven't accomplished much in my 24 years. Everyone says that I have, but I just don't feel like I have. 5 years ago, looking ahead I had a much different picture for my life than what it is now. 5 years ago, I was fine, I was happy, I was content....or I was okay at the time. Now, when I think about my life I think I'm going to be 24 and I still live at "home", I haven't graduated from college, I work at a place that I live paycheck to paycheck, I don't have a boyfriend, I don't have a fiance, I don't have a husband, I'm not pregnant, I don't have any kids, I'm no where. I used to be the girl that knew where she wanted to be, and what she wanted to do. Now I wake up in the morning and I don't even know which Krysta I'll be. I don't know anything anymore....I don't know where to go or what to do....I feel lost in the crowd, I feel like every ones gotten on the train and I lost my ticket. Besides living at "home", I wish I could just catch a break somewhere with some other aspect of my life. If one other thing good comes my way, I believe it will be a domino effect and I'll get better and better. Day after day, I ask myself the same questions....what do I want? What should I do with my life? Were the last 7/8 years a waste of my life/time. Is he the one? Am I not listening to my brain? Is there someone else out there that will make me feel like I do when I'm with him? I find it very hard to believe. Hell, I don't even believe in myself anymore, than to believe that someone else would believe in me and love me. Family and parents don't count, because that's just a given. My brain feels like it's in overdrive and that it's going to explode one day soon. Wish me luck tomorrow.
~signed...lost and confused Krysta
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