Glass Half Empty

I mentioned in another blog post that I had a nice conversation with my Aunt Mary and Uncle Lee.  Normally Aunt Mary and I have some deep conversations and it's like a girl, cry, talk thing.  However, sometimes Uncle Lee will join in on the conversations, sometimes he just jumps in and other times I ask him for advice.  He seems to be very quiet most of the time and watches TV, reads, or is on the phone with work.  On Friday before we went to eat I told Aunt Mary and Uncle Lee that I needed advice.  My grandmother (my moms mom) had emailed me out of the blue, I don't talk to her like ever and then bam just because it's my birthday she emails.  So I was looking for some advice and direction.  I asked my mom first and she said that I should be the bigger person and just reply back with a simple message.  Aunt Mary said do what you feel is best, whether that is answering her or not.  I asked Uncle Lee's opinion and then it started into this whole thing with what's going on with me lately.  I don't really talk too much about what's going on with me to others in person except a select few.  Otherwise I just write it on here and it's easier because people read it and I'm not in front of them to scrutinize.  Uncle Lee as I've learned over the years and also through this conversation that he worked really hard to get to where he is in life now.  He was out of his parents house by the age of 18 and he worked his butt off in school.  There was a semester or two that he took a year off to work full time to earn money to pay for school and graduate.  He didn't graduate until he was in his 20's.  I told him that I am so burnt out on school, I cringe just thinking of going back relatively soon.  He said to me, what's wrong with that?  He told me that I should take the time I need, and when I feel ready to go back, I'll know!  Then we got onto the subject of my dad (Paul).  I haven't talked to my dad since like October I think.  He didn't call me on my birthday either.  I have a lot of resentment and anger inside about him.  I don't know how to rid it forever....I hate feeling like this!  Papa says I just need to accept everything at face value and move on.  Uncle Lee basically said the same thing, but he asked me questions which led up to accepting it for what it is.  The major thing I told him was that I want my dad to feel exactly how I felt/feel, or even just a ounce of what I felt/feel.  I want him to hurt like I do! I want him to see how it is for someone to be selfish when it comes to making decisions regarding children. I want him to go through everything I did with my parents.  I want him to feel guilty, I want him to regret things.  I want him to accept that I'm closer with Papa than I am him, and understand why it is that way.  I wish he could have been in my shoes all those years.  All those years my mom and him used drugs...I want him to be scared, angry, hurt, fearful, resentment, pain, confusion, sad, depressed, and alone.  OK there is a point to all of this....My second cousin (correct me if I'm wrong Anna) commented on my blog today and it was funny because it kind of ties in with the conversation I had with my aunt and uncle and how I've been feeling lately.  You can all see her comment I believe.  I just want to take a few minutes and respond to her comment.
Anna-
I'm happy that you keep up with my blog, sometimes I think no one reads it and I don't know why I'm writing.  Do you happen to shop at the Scrapbook Store in greenfield? Donna ("my step mom") works there.  I'm always open to comments and I've kept everything inside for so long it's just bursting out now so I'm OK with getting personal.  You are not the first person to tell me that I'm being too hard on myself, I think Donna says it to me like everyday!  I feel like if I think the worst than I can't get disappointed, and if something better happens than that's a plus.  I didn't know what I was going to write about but it came to me on the way home from work today.  I guess I feel guilty that I am taking time off of school.  I feel like I'm letting everyone down.  I mean I'm Krysta, Krysta was the one who graduated high school with honors and went off to Alverno College to be this amazing career woman. Now I'm taking time off and everyone who was pushing me on for graduating college are probably let down.  Like they supported me all these years and now what do I have to show them for it? NOTHING....I live at "home", I work full time paycheck to paycheck, I took time off of school, haven't graduated, don't have a boyfriend, fiance, house, apartment, or children.  So not only am I letting myself down, I'm letting all the support people down.  All the prepping of academics that Papa did with me and I'm not even graduated, I feel like I'm failing him and everyone else.  Papa taught me to be this really great person and I want to be a really great person but I don't feel like it.  I feel like a failure.  And he's so busy working two jobs to support us all, and here I am not being the person he taught me to be.  He taught me to be strong, independent, smart, beautiful, confident, have good morals, and be the best I can be....and I feel like I don't live up to those standards at this time in my life.  He works two jobs and he never gets to see or hear about all of this, because I'm too scared to talk to him about it, because he's either exhausted when he gets home late at night or I don't think I could stand the disappointment in his eyes.  Wow, Anna your comment made me think a lot I guess.  I want to be the person he taught me to be, but I don't feel independent (I live at "home"), I don't feel smart (not in school), I really don't feel beautiful since I've put on weight, same with confidence, not being the best I can be, because if I was doing that everything else would be in place.  I think the only thing going for me is having good morals.  You mention change is hard for you, I totally agree, I hate change I like structure, I'm not a fly by the seat of my pants (Malissa, where's this from?) kinda girl.  I'm trying to take it day by day, and I'm praying and hoping I can be all of those things Papa taught me to be.  I want to say thank you for the last part of your email.  You said, " And, you will find love again whether it is with Chad or someone else."  Everyone else says I will find love some where else and there's a lot of fish in the sea, etc.  You are maybe one of two people that include a possibility of a  future with Chad.  I'm not banking or counting on Chad.  I'm not sitting around waiting for him.  If some handsome man crossed my path and we click, I'll gladly take him!  However, I'm not out there looking at this point either (and Chad, I'm not sitting around waiting for you so you can stop thinking and saying that, just because I don't have another man in my life does it mean that I am waiting for you), I have a lot on my plate right now and it'd be really unfair to someone to bring them into this craziness LOL.
This all shows that I am a glass half empty type of person.....what are all of you?
The one thing that can bring me a smile to my face always or that I get content and happy about are Libby Lue and Ollie.  Those 2 cats are my life!  Libby doesn't like to take pictures like Ollie so here are some pictures below of him :)

He's my handsome boy!  The most handsome boy I know ;)  He is so in tuned with me and my emotions it's crazy sometimes!  I know they pets can pick up on all that stuff, but his is like that times 10!  Even the pet communicator said that he can feel all my feelings, and he picks up on me being anxious all the time (sorry Ollie Ollie).  Back in May 2011 when I got him I don't know why but I had to have him, I had this strong urge to have him!  Papa had to be the final decision maker but he said yes, because he's all about pleasing his girls and giving us all what we need and want (most of the time).  Are you catching on that Papa is a good dad? Ollie has such a unique character, he's feisty, funny, smart, playful, intuitive, and loving.  Whatever made me need him, I thank because I don't know what I'd do without him.  Even if he's going to cost me more money than other cats.  He has cystitis at the age of 1...sigh...means all canned food diet, a prescription urinary so feline food, moderate calorie because apparently he's fat.  OK, I'm done for today, wrote a good blog and did some crying in the midst of it.  Hope all of you are well!