Pampering

Today I feel pampered.  I went to get my haircut, had coffee with my auntie, then I went to get my pedicure and get my nails done.  Also, I've been tanning at the gym.....basically I am so ready for Friday to get here.  Tomorrow I get a massage thanks to Momma Donna!  So it's like 5.5 days until we are walking through that terminal saying good bye to papa, and flying to FL where our vacation begins.  I have not been on a vacation in like 4 years!  This is long overdue, for sure.  I had an interesting conversation with Caitlyn, the girl who cuts my hair.  She had been dating this guy for awhile and they broke up and then later on he did like a 360 and is being this wonderful boyfriend.  However, the time until he did that she didn't sit around pining for him.  So I want all my blog followers or anyone who reads my blog to know that I AM NOT SITTING AROUND PINING FOR CHAD!!!!!! Just because I am not dating someone else doesn't mean I am sitting around waiting for him.  Are you kidding me? I'd be sitting around waiting for a long time, because duh it's Chad....anyone who knows him knows that he takes a long time to learn things and he has to try all the wrong things or people before he realizes what the right thing is.  For the record, I am just as they say, "doing me" for the the time being.  I need to make sure my heads on straight and get myself out of this whole I've dug.  Slowly but surely I am climbing out, it's messy and is taking forever but I'll get back to the top one day.  My last few posts, especially the one about my relationship inventory, was good for me, but I guess I was looking for a reaction from Chad.  Because if I were him and I put all our shit on blast for everyone to see (because quite a few people read my blog) I would be pissed at me.  It felt good going through the process.  After doing it, and laying out all those bad things he had done the past 7 years, in all honesty I still love him.  It's sad but it's the truth. In order to love someone, you love them unconditionally, flaws and all, for good times and bad times....you just accept them the way they are and don't expect anything different.  So as much as it hurts, I am good without him, and I will be just fine.  Any guy would be lucky to have me, I just chose to not have a guy.  I have me to focus on.  I have my wonderful vacation coming up in 5.5 days, friends, family, book club, going to the gym, and just some me time.  I don't need Chad or any other man in my life....I am an independent and strong woman that just got stuck for awhile.  But, I am getting back on track.  We don't know what the future holds for us, so live and let be.  So Chad if you are reading this, I hope you know I mean everything I said.  I am not sitting around and waiting for you, not everyone has to fall into relationship after relationship.  You once told me that you don't always have to be in a relationship, and you specifically said that when you got out of jail you wanted just time for you....and look what you did, jumped into a relationship.  Everyone knows it's just a stepping stone for you.  Deep down you know it too...you are searching for something you'll NEVER find.  You'll never find it because you keep all relationships at a distance, where you have all the control.  I don't believe our story is done, but like I said I'm not sitting around waiting for you, but if you have different thoughts you know where to find me or contact me. Just don't let it be too late, because I might not even be an option for you anymore.  I've always believed in you, even knowing all the bad stuff, I never stopped defending you, I didn't even blink an eye hearing the worst.  That's the type of person I am, that's how I love a person, not just you, everyone.  I think the gist of this blog is saying that I am OK, I will be better, and eventually I will be great!  I have everyone in my life right now that I need...wants a whole other story. 
This song by Michelle Branch says a lot:
"Goodbye To You"

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

[Chorus:]
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

[Chorus]

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

[Chorus x2]

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

 

This Jo De Messina song is awesome too:

 

Boy you sure look good there standin' in the doorway in the sunset light
Maybe I read you wrong thinkin' you could be my Mr. Right
I was puttin' my heart and soul on the line
Said you needed some time, just a little more time to make up your mind
Well it's been long enough
Time is up

Bye bye love, I'll catch you later
Got a lead foot down on my accelerator and the rear view mirror torn off
I ain't never lookin' back. And that's a fact.
I've tried all I can imagine
I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion
I've got pride, I'm takin' it for a ride
Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye

Don't think all those tears are gonna hold me here like they've done before
You'll find what's left of us in a cloud of dust on highway 4
Baby what did you expect me to do
Just sit around and wait on you
Well I'm through watchin' you just skate around the truth
And I know it sounds trite
I've seen the light

Bye bye love, I'll catch you later
Got a lead foot down on my accelerator and the rear view mirror torn off
'Cause I ain't never lookin' back, and that's a fact.
I've tried all I can imagine
I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion
I've got pride, I'm takin' it for a ride
Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye

I'd lost the game I guess
I did my best to win the part
Now I'm leavin' here with what's left of my heart.
Bye bye, I'll catch you later
Got a lead foot down on my accelerator and the rear view mirror torn off
'Cause I ain't never lookin' back.
You can count on that.
I've tried all I can imagine
I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion
I've got pride, I'm takin' it for a ride
Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye

Bye bye
Ooh baby
Oh oh
Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye

 

Well, I better leave it at that...until next time!