Today I feel inquisitive (and if Chad by chance is reading this, that means I'm wondering/pondering/asking about things, thinking a lot about things). Yesterday I worked out at the gym, I worked my butt off! I was on the bike for 40 minutes and did almost 7 miles, then went tanning for 10 min, then I ran/walked on the treadmill for 65 minutes. As I was working out and on my way home, I was thinking that if Chad were here or talking to me, he'd be proud of me. He always said that he wanted to work out together, and push each other. Today was my mom's birthday, and yesterday I got her a card and this movie she loves. Then last night I had this dream that I was going to her house to pick her up for her birthday, and she didn't come out so I went in, and when I went in, she was walking out of the room and drugs fell out of her hands, and I got so mad. I was mad because after so many years of getting her generic mom birthday cards and not so great gifts, I actually put thought, effort, love, and trust into her birthday and in my dream she disappointed me again. So I came to the conclusion that I've had a wall up with my mom, because everytime in the past when I let my wall down she's reverted back to her old ways and disappointed me. So giving my mom this nice card and gift, means a lot this year...I'm letting down that wall a little bit. When I was on the free way this morning, I was going around a curve and normally I just use one hand to drive, but long ago, Chad taught/told me that I should have both hands on the wheel when turning because your one hand might slip or the car might hit a slick spot and mess up your turn with just one hand. I hate that all this stupid little stuff makes me think about him. Why do I have to let the little things about him in my mind? Why can't I get him off my mind? Will he ever be off my mind? Does he feel the same way? Does he think little things about me? and the biggest question lately that I've been asking myself is how do you give up and forget about something you feel so strongly and passionite about? It seems I go day to day and everyday I tell myself, I'll be ok, I'll get through this, maybe today I won't think about him, maybe today he won't be on my mind, maybe today I won't wonder what he's doing, maybe today I won't dream about him, maybe today I won't want him, maybe today I'll forget him! I pray everynight that God keeps my family safe, and that my close family members are happy, I pray for Chad-that he's happy, not getting into trouble, and that he is ok, and lastly I attempt to pray for myself, I pray that one day Chad will come back to me, and if it's not meant to be with him, then to bring me someone else that I can love and be so passionate about...and basically I pray to be happy and not feel like this anymore. I have some good days, and most bad. I never know what I'm going to get each day, and my type of personality I really like to know the plan or whatever. So the top inquisitive questions are: How do you give up on someone you love and feel so passionate about? Does he ever think little things about me too? and Will I ever get past this rut, hump, or hill, whatever you want to call it? Will I ever wake up multiple days in a row feeling happy?
The last thing I want to mention is, a coworker came up to me today and said she didn't normally read people's blogs but she read mine, and she was sorry for what I'm going through, and if I ever needed to talk, I could talk to her. It meant a lot to me, for her to take that little bit of time to ask about me, and show me that at least one person cares. So thank you LS if you're reading this.
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