Getting Past your Breakup

So a few weeks ago, I got this book called. "Getting Past your Breakup" by Susan J. Elliott.  I'm not usually into those self help books but this one sure caught my eye.  The last few weeks I've read a few sections, put it down for a few days, and came back to it.  Today felt like a good day to get back into it.  Today I feel a little angry, bitter, and honest.   In this book, a part of it asks you to do a relationship inventory, it asks you all these questions and you have to answer or inventory them.  So, I am answering all the questions and sharing it all with you...I'm putting his shit on blast as my lil sister Malissa would say!  Some of it may be personal and close to my heart....so I ask that if you have any comments that you keep them positive, and not bashing him or me. 

Positive things about the relationship
1.  I liked having a boyfriend.
2.  I liked the security of being in a relationship.
3.  I liked that we had family dinners.
4.  I liked going to parties and work events with a boyfriend.
5.  I liked intimacy.
6.  I liked how it opened me up more as a person.
7.  I like that it made me feel content.
8.  I liked that it made me feel like I was getting somewhere in life.

Positive Qualities of my ex
1.  He's easy to like.
2. He's cute.
3.  He's outgoing.
4.  He's Mr. Fix it.
5.  He knew how to work on cars.
6.  He got along with my family.
7.  He was good in bed (sry to say this for all my family members that read this but I said I was being honest and personal, and I'm 23 so yea)
8.  He pushed me to do more.
9.  He supported me.
10.  He accepted my past with my parents.
11. He was a clean freak.
12.  Called me Blondi.

Things my family liked about him
1.  Likeable
2.  Loving
3.  Helpful
4.  Willingness to do something when asked for help.
5.  His dimple
6. He's cute
7. Knowledge of cars.

Five special times with my ex
1.  Had a migraine and he found a store open late to get me meds while I cried in pain.
2.  He bought Libby a little tag for her collar because she'd been getting outside and I worried about her.
3.  He was my first....with sex, love etc.
4.  He supported me when moving out of my dads.
5.  He supported me when moving out of my moms.

Things I liked that my family didn't like
1.  He talked too much
2.  He talked about cars all the time.

Negative things about the relationship
1.  Cheating
2.  Lying
3.  Let his friends thoughts get in the way
4.  Never wanted to spend time with me
5.  We had different interests

Negative qualities of my ex
1.  Liar
2.  Reckless
3.  No direction in life
4.  Said things just to "please" me, but didn't mean it.
5.  Flirt

Positive qualities that turned negative
1.  Outgoing=flirty
2.  Cute=attracted all the girls
3.  Knowledge of cars=worked on lots of cars and had no time for me
4.  Easy to like=lots of girl friends
5. Mr. Fix It=came to every ones rescue but mine it seemed
6.  Got along with my family=made my family bitter of him
7.  good in bed=hard to find others to compare
8.  Pushed me to do more=got too close
9.  supported me=emotionally worse when he was gone

Warning signs from the beginning
1.  We broke up at 10 months
2.  Always put his friends first.
3.  He was very immature.
4.  Lots of people said he cheated on me many different times on multiple occasions.
All of these were warning signs.  I talked to him about each thing especially about the cheating...he denied it all, and because I loved him I believed him.  I didn't make him tell me the truth.  I didn't walk away when I should have.  Some of the compromises that I pay or paid for from all of it is, I wasted 7 years of my life thinking we were going somewhere and that we were making a life together, but in reality it was all just a joke to him.  Also, today I'm still paying for it because I still love him and it kills me inside everyday not being with him. I've gone into a deep depression and gained weight.  I also feel lost in life, lost in the shuffle.

Five most hurtful events (this was supposed to be 5, however after getting started I had way more)
1.  Each time we broke up was hurtful but I kept taking him back.  We probably broke up a good 5 or 6 times.
2.  When someone told me he slept with our downstairs neighbor....he denied it but when I found out the truth it hurt even worse because I took his side over my family members originally.
3.  When he went snowboarding with the boys and his truck broke down and he was ignoring my phone calls because it wasn't just the guys, some girl was with them, so he lied like usual.
4.  When he broke up with me and started dating this other girl right away, he met her while driving, or so he said.
5.  When I went to his new apartment (halfway house) and he had no pictures up of me and his landlord knocked on the door saying he had to pay extra for his female guest the night before, which wasn't me!
6.  When him and lived together in Germantown and him and I were supposed to really be together and I heard rumors that he was sleeping with this Angie girl, while I was sleeping in the next room.
7.. Also when living in Germantown, I found the texts and phone calls with him and another girl Sam
8.  When I found out he slept with Angel, his good friends girlfriend.
9.  Right before I had my surgery, when we were talking and working on getting back together, I saw pics posted online of him making out with some girl....a day or so before I was getting cut open.
10.  When he was in jail, I came to see him all the time (which was not a short trip), not to mention the hundreds or maybe thousands of dollars I spent talking on the phone with him to help stay grounded and get through the program. Only to find out that when he got out the day before Thanksgiving that he changed his mind and didn't know what he wanted.
11.  We started talking again and we tried the "fwb" things and maybe talk about getting back together when the whole time he was seeing and sleeping with some other girl and she was no good as well because she was still seeing her ex.
12.  Us being broke up and seeing his status on fb saying in a relationship.
13.  Seeing how he's trying to be a better person and a better boyfriend, the guy I fell in love with and the guy I was asking and wanting the whole time.  But no, some other girl gets the new and improved Chad and in the end, she will just screw him over like I told him and I'll be right.
14.  The most hurtful thing is that he can't get past the past and the guilt he feels and give me a chance with the "new" and "good" Chad.  All that time, effort, and love I put into 7 yrs he's willing to just throw it all away and let it down the drain.
15.  Basically, in 7yrs I never got angry, I always forgave for everything, when I should have given him hell and made him see he was acting like a piece of shit, making it always seem to be my fault, that our relationship troubles were all my fault when in reality, majority of it was him.
16.  That he lets the past and guilt get in the way today.  When he sat in front of me and told me that he loves me and wasn't in love with me and that we didn't have a future together ever.  He doesn't understand how I could still love him and want to be with him.  Because he can't get over it, even after I've told him I forgive him.  Also, because he's not 100% sure about me or us he won't even try...when in reality you never make a 100% for sure decision. He says it'll never be the same, and that its just comfortable...well yea dumb ass after 7 yrs its not going to be rainbows and butterflies and comfortable is good, you should be with your partner.

Things I did wrong
1.  I believed him every time.
2.  I chose him over family
3.  I took him back time after time.
4. I wasted 7 yrs with someone who thought it was all just a joke.
5.  I was naive
6. I should have walked away the first time we broke up.
7.  Being in bad moods because of school, work, money, and family.
8.  Nagged or brought up things that weren't too important.

Major Incidents that stemmed from me
1.  I didn't trust him so I got clingy.
2.  I had a rough time about my parents using drugs etc and when he did things similar I'd take all that hurt from the past out on him.

Lastly, the book says to write a letter to him, if he were right here in front of me at this exact moment, what would I say?
I'd say....
Dear Chad,
The last 7 years have been rough for both of us.  I had a crazy childhood much like yours, we can relate because of our parents. I put my whole body, heart, mind, and soul into our relationship. I know I had my faults too but a lot of my actions were because of what you did or said.  I want you to know that even all the bad I listed prior to this, I forgive you and I still love you...I don't understand why I feel this way and I know you don't get it either but it is what it is.  I can't change how I feel.  I wish you could get past your guilt and confusion and try being with me-with us being older and more mature.  I know its a hard concept for you to understand, that unconditional love, because your parents didn't give it to you...but its similar to how your grandma can do it, love you unconditionally and not faulting you for your past mistakes.  That's how I was raised, you never give up on someone you love.  I know you said we had no future together and that you love me and you're not in love with me but I think its such bullshit!  You just choose to put a wall between you and I and you're deep down true feelings.  I don't want you today, or tomorrow, not even next week, or the week after because I will be on my cruise soaking up the sun, not even thinking about you (I doubt it).  But my wish, my hope is that you'll get past your guilt, past your wall and try us again.  When we're good, we're really good.  Remember nothing in life is 100% perfect , every relationship gets past that honeymoon phase and it gets comfortable, they should be like your best friend. I'm not saying I'm sitting here and waiting for you, so don't get the wrong idea.  If the right guy comes along I'm ready to take that chance, but if I were you I wouldn't wait too long because if you do it might be too late.  When I say I forgive you it means that I need to begin the process of letting go of what you did to me.  It's for me mostly, not for you.  I know you did all these wrong things to me, but holding onto it is hurting me.

Love Always,
Blondi

My ex boss, Lisa Walters whom I love so much, and I am sooooo glad that I met because she is this amazing woman that seems so strong and wise.  I look to her for unbiased opinions.  Recently, she sent me a fb message saying that Chad is searching for something he's never going to find....and it's funny because that goes with my 100% theory I mentioned earlier.  Sometimes what you're searching for something so hard, you don't realize what's right in front of your face.