Is it Friday yet?

Today I feel: irritated, spent, burnt out, tired, sore, betrayed, achy, and lastly today I feel like I hate the world.  This just sucks because I've been doing really well and not having so much up's and downs.  I woke up with the worst tummy ache....then got to work to walk dogs in the rain.  Not to mention that every single dog we have in right now have no manners, won't stop barking, won't stop messing up there cages, don't know how to walk on a leash, and just plain don't listen.  I just want this day to be over, and that tomorrow goes fast because I need to get on that plane and be gone, away from it all for awhile.  No work, no cats, no dogs, no papa, no Malissa, no Jordan, no Josh, no laundry, no dishes, no cat boxes, and no just cleaning up after everyone in this house.  I will be free for 11 days!  It is amazing! 
I also wanted to say that if you've tried texting, calling, emailing, or facebooked me and I didn't respond, please don't take it personally....I have a lot on my mind this week.  I have a gazillion things going through my head...I need to pack my suitcase so that all my clothes fit in it, and that I can still fit my bathroom and hair product stuff.  I also need to do laundry before I go because I don't want it sitting there when I get back. 
 I just have to get through one more day of work from 8-6pm and then I'm free!  I haven't mentioned Chad so far, and I don't know if you all like to hear about my stuff going on in my head about him or not..or if you guys are just sick of it.  Today, I can honestly say that I just don't care anymore....I just want to focus on me and get better and more stable.
Well, that's all for tonight....look for another post tomorrow night!

Pampering

Today I feel pampered.  I went to get my haircut, had coffee with my auntie, then I went to get my pedicure and get my nails done.  Also, I've been tanning at the gym.....basically I am so ready for Friday to get here.  Tomorrow I get a massage thanks to Momma Donna!  So it's like 5.5 days until we are walking through that terminal saying good bye to papa, and flying to FL where our vacation begins.  I have not been on a vacation in like 4 years!  This is long overdue, for sure.  I had an interesting conversation with Caitlyn, the girl who cuts my hair.  She had been dating this guy for awhile and they broke up and then later on he did like a 360 and is being this wonderful boyfriend.  However, the time until he did that she didn't sit around pining for him.  So I want all my blog followers or anyone who reads my blog to know that I AM NOT SITTING AROUND PINING FOR CHAD!!!!!! Just because I am not dating someone else doesn't mean I am sitting around waiting for him.  Are you kidding me? I'd be sitting around waiting for a long time, because duh it's Chad....anyone who knows him knows that he takes a long time to learn things and he has to try all the wrong things or people before he realizes what the right thing is.  For the record, I am just as they say, "doing me" for the the time being.  I need to make sure my heads on straight and get myself out of this whole I've dug.  Slowly but surely I am climbing out, it's messy and is taking forever but I'll get back to the top one day.  My last few posts, especially the one about my relationship inventory, was good for me, but I guess I was looking for a reaction from Chad.  Because if I were him and I put all our shit on blast for everyone to see (because quite a few people read my blog) I would be pissed at me.  It felt good going through the process.  After doing it, and laying out all those bad things he had done the past 7 years, in all honesty I still love him.  It's sad but it's the truth. In order to love someone, you love them unconditionally, flaws and all, for good times and bad times....you just accept them the way they are and don't expect anything different.  So as much as it hurts, I am good without him, and I will be just fine.  Any guy would be lucky to have me, I just chose to not have a guy.  I have me to focus on.  I have my wonderful vacation coming up in 5.5 days, friends, family, book club, going to the gym, and just some me time.  I don't need Chad or any other man in my life....I am an independent and strong woman that just got stuck for awhile.  But, I am getting back on track.  We don't know what the future holds for us, so live and let be.  So Chad if you are reading this, I hope you know I mean everything I said.  I am not sitting around and waiting for you, not everyone has to fall into relationship after relationship.  You once told me that you don't always have to be in a relationship, and you specifically said that when you got out of jail you wanted just time for you....and look what you did, jumped into a relationship.  Everyone knows it's just a stepping stone for you.  Deep down you know it too...you are searching for something you'll NEVER find.  You'll never find it because you keep all relationships at a distance, where you have all the control.  I don't believe our story is done, but like I said I'm not sitting around waiting for you, but if you have different thoughts you know where to find me or contact me. Just don't let it be too late, because I might not even be an option for you anymore.  I've always believed in you, even knowing all the bad stuff, I never stopped defending you, I didn't even blink an eye hearing the worst.  That's the type of person I am, that's how I love a person, not just you, everyone.  I think the gist of this blog is saying that I am OK, I will be better, and eventually I will be great!  I have everyone in my life right now that I need...wants a whole other story. 
This song by Michelle Branch says a lot:
"Goodbye To You"

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

[Chorus:]
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

[Chorus]

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

[Chorus x2]

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

 

This Jo De Messina song is awesome too:

 

Boy you sure look good there standin' in the doorway in the sunset light
Maybe I read you wrong thinkin' you could be my Mr. Right
I was puttin' my heart and soul on the line
Said you needed some time, just a little more time to make up your mind
Well it's been long enough
Time is up

Bye bye love, I'll catch you later
Got a lead foot down on my accelerator and the rear view mirror torn off
I ain't never lookin' back. And that's a fact.
I've tried all I can imagine
I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion
I've got pride, I'm takin' it for a ride
Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye

Don't think all those tears are gonna hold me here like they've done before
You'll find what's left of us in a cloud of dust on highway 4
Baby what did you expect me to do
Just sit around and wait on you
Well I'm through watchin' you just skate around the truth
And I know it sounds trite
I've seen the light

Bye bye love, I'll catch you later
Got a lead foot down on my accelerator and the rear view mirror torn off
'Cause I ain't never lookin' back, and that's a fact.
I've tried all I can imagine
I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion
I've got pride, I'm takin' it for a ride
Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye

I'd lost the game I guess
I did my best to win the part
Now I'm leavin' here with what's left of my heart.
Bye bye, I'll catch you later
Got a lead foot down on my accelerator and the rear view mirror torn off
'Cause I ain't never lookin' back.
You can count on that.
I've tried all I can imagine
I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion
I've got pride, I'm takin' it for a ride
Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye

Bye bye
Ooh baby
Oh oh
Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye

 

Well, I better leave it at that...until next time!

Mom's Birthday

Today I feel inquisitive (and if Chad by chance is reading this, that means I'm wondering/pondering/asking about things, thinking a lot about things).  Yesterday I worked out at the gym, I worked my butt off! I was on the bike for 40 minutes and did almost 7 miles, then went tanning for 10 min, then I ran/walked on the treadmill for 65 minutes.  As I was working out and on my way home, I was thinking that if Chad were here or talking to me, he'd be proud of me.  He always said that he wanted to work out together, and push each other.  Today was my mom's birthday, and yesterday I got her a card and this movie she loves.  Then last night I had this dream that I was going to her house to pick her up for her birthday, and she didn't come out so I went in, and when I went in, she was walking out of the room and drugs fell out of her hands, and I got so mad.  I was mad because after so many years of getting her generic mom birthday cards and not so great gifts, I actually put thought, effort, love, and trust into her birthday and in my dream she disappointed me again.  So I came to the conclusion that I've had a wall up with my mom, because everytime in the past when I let my wall down she's reverted back to her old ways and disappointed me.  So giving my mom this nice card and gift, means a lot this year...I'm letting down that wall a little bit.  When I was on the free way this morning, I was going around a curve and normally I just use one hand to drive, but long ago, Chad taught/told me that I should have both hands on the wheel when turning because your one hand might slip or the car might hit a slick spot and mess up your turn with just one hand.  I hate that all this stupid little stuff makes me think about him.  Why do I have to let the little things about him in my mind?  Why can't I get him off my mind? Will he ever be off my mind? Does he feel the same way? Does he think little things about me? and the biggest question lately that I've been asking myself is how do you give up and forget about something you feel so strongly and passionite about?  It seems I go day to day and everyday I tell myself, I'll be ok, I'll get through this, maybe today I won't think about him, maybe today he won't be on my mind, maybe today I won't wonder what he's doing, maybe today I won't dream about him, maybe today I won't want him, maybe today I'll forget him!  I pray everynight that God keeps my family safe, and that my close family members are happy, I pray for Chad-that he's happy, not getting into trouble, and that he is ok, and lastly I attempt to pray for myself, I pray that one day Chad will come back to me, and if it's not meant to be with him, then to bring me someone else that I can love and be so passionate about...and basically I pray to be happy and not feel like this anymore.  I have some good days, and most bad.  I never know what I'm going to get each day, and my type of personality I really like to know the plan or whatever.  So the top inquisitive questions are: How do you give up on someone you love and feel so passionate about? Does he ever think little things about me too? and Will I ever get past this rut, hump, or hill, whatever you want to call it? Will I ever wake up multiple days in a row feeling happy?
The last thing I want to mention is, a coworker came up to me today and said she didn't normally read people's blogs but she read mine, and she was sorry for what I'm going through, and if I ever needed to talk, I could talk to her.  It meant a lot to me, for her to take that little bit of time to ask about me, and show me that at least one person cares.  So thank you LS if you're reading this.

Getting Past your Breakup

So a few weeks ago, I got this book called. "Getting Past your Breakup" by Susan J. Elliott.  I'm not usually into those self help books but this one sure caught my eye.  The last few weeks I've read a few sections, put it down for a few days, and came back to it.  Today felt like a good day to get back into it.  Today I feel a little angry, bitter, and honest.   In this book, a part of it asks you to do a relationship inventory, it asks you all these questions and you have to answer or inventory them.  So, I am answering all the questions and sharing it all with you...I'm putting his shit on blast as my lil sister Malissa would say!  Some of it may be personal and close to my heart....so I ask that if you have any comments that you keep them positive, and not bashing him or me. 

Positive things about the relationship
1.  I liked having a boyfriend.
2.  I liked the security of being in a relationship.
3.  I liked that we had family dinners.
4.  I liked going to parties and work events with a boyfriend.
5.  I liked intimacy.
6.  I liked how it opened me up more as a person.
7.  I like that it made me feel content.
8.  I liked that it made me feel like I was getting somewhere in life.

Positive Qualities of my ex
1.  He's easy to like.
2. He's cute.
3.  He's outgoing.
4.  He's Mr. Fix it.
5.  He knew how to work on cars.
6.  He got along with my family.
7.  He was good in bed (sry to say this for all my family members that read this but I said I was being honest and personal, and I'm 23 so yea)
8.  He pushed me to do more.
9.  He supported me.
10.  He accepted my past with my parents.
11. He was a clean freak.
12.  Called me Blondi.

Things my family liked about him
1.  Likeable
2.  Loving
3.  Helpful
4.  Willingness to do something when asked for help.
5.  His dimple
6. He's cute
7. Knowledge of cars.

Five special times with my ex
1.  Had a migraine and he found a store open late to get me meds while I cried in pain.
2.  He bought Libby a little tag for her collar because she'd been getting outside and I worried about her.
3.  He was my first....with sex, love etc.
4.  He supported me when moving out of my dads.
5.  He supported me when moving out of my moms.

Things I liked that my family didn't like
1.  He talked too much
2.  He talked about cars all the time.

Negative things about the relationship
1.  Cheating
2.  Lying
3.  Let his friends thoughts get in the way
4.  Never wanted to spend time with me
5.  We had different interests

Negative qualities of my ex
1.  Liar
2.  Reckless
3.  No direction in life
4.  Said things just to "please" me, but didn't mean it.
5.  Flirt

Positive qualities that turned negative
1.  Outgoing=flirty
2.  Cute=attracted all the girls
3.  Knowledge of cars=worked on lots of cars and had no time for me
4.  Easy to like=lots of girl friends
5. Mr. Fix It=came to every ones rescue but mine it seemed
6.  Got along with my family=made my family bitter of him
7.  good in bed=hard to find others to compare
8.  Pushed me to do more=got too close
9.  supported me=emotionally worse when he was gone

Warning signs from the beginning
1.  We broke up at 10 months
2.  Always put his friends first.
3.  He was very immature.
4.  Lots of people said he cheated on me many different times on multiple occasions.
All of these were warning signs.  I talked to him about each thing especially about the cheating...he denied it all, and because I loved him I believed him.  I didn't make him tell me the truth.  I didn't walk away when I should have.  Some of the compromises that I pay or paid for from all of it is, I wasted 7 years of my life thinking we were going somewhere and that we were making a life together, but in reality it was all just a joke to him.  Also, today I'm still paying for it because I still love him and it kills me inside everyday not being with him. I've gone into a deep depression and gained weight.  I also feel lost in life, lost in the shuffle.

Five most hurtful events (this was supposed to be 5, however after getting started I had way more)
1.  Each time we broke up was hurtful but I kept taking him back.  We probably broke up a good 5 or 6 times.
2.  When someone told me he slept with our downstairs neighbor....he denied it but when I found out the truth it hurt even worse because I took his side over my family members originally.
3.  When he went snowboarding with the boys and his truck broke down and he was ignoring my phone calls because it wasn't just the guys, some girl was with them, so he lied like usual.
4.  When he broke up with me and started dating this other girl right away, he met her while driving, or so he said.
5.  When I went to his new apartment (halfway house) and he had no pictures up of me and his landlord knocked on the door saying he had to pay extra for his female guest the night before, which wasn't me!
6.  When him and lived together in Germantown and him and I were supposed to really be together and I heard rumors that he was sleeping with this Angie girl, while I was sleeping in the next room.
7.. Also when living in Germantown, I found the texts and phone calls with him and another girl Sam
8.  When I found out he slept with Angel, his good friends girlfriend.
9.  Right before I had my surgery, when we were talking and working on getting back together, I saw pics posted online of him making out with some girl....a day or so before I was getting cut open.
10.  When he was in jail, I came to see him all the time (which was not a short trip), not to mention the hundreds or maybe thousands of dollars I spent talking on the phone with him to help stay grounded and get through the program. Only to find out that when he got out the day before Thanksgiving that he changed his mind and didn't know what he wanted.
11.  We started talking again and we tried the "fwb" things and maybe talk about getting back together when the whole time he was seeing and sleeping with some other girl and she was no good as well because she was still seeing her ex.
12.  Us being broke up and seeing his status on fb saying in a relationship.
13.  Seeing how he's trying to be a better person and a better boyfriend, the guy I fell in love with and the guy I was asking and wanting the whole time.  But no, some other girl gets the new and improved Chad and in the end, she will just screw him over like I told him and I'll be right.
14.  The most hurtful thing is that he can't get past the past and the guilt he feels and give me a chance with the "new" and "good" Chad.  All that time, effort, and love I put into 7 yrs he's willing to just throw it all away and let it down the drain.
15.  Basically, in 7yrs I never got angry, I always forgave for everything, when I should have given him hell and made him see he was acting like a piece of shit, making it always seem to be my fault, that our relationship troubles were all my fault when in reality, majority of it was him.
16.  That he lets the past and guilt get in the way today.  When he sat in front of me and told me that he loves me and wasn't in love with me and that we didn't have a future together ever.  He doesn't understand how I could still love him and want to be with him.  Because he can't get over it, even after I've told him I forgive him.  Also, because he's not 100% sure about me or us he won't even try...when in reality you never make a 100% for sure decision. He says it'll never be the same, and that its just comfortable...well yea dumb ass after 7 yrs its not going to be rainbows and butterflies and comfortable is good, you should be with your partner.

Things I did wrong
1.  I believed him every time.
2.  I chose him over family
3.  I took him back time after time.
4. I wasted 7 yrs with someone who thought it was all just a joke.
5.  I was naive
6. I should have walked away the first time we broke up.
7.  Being in bad moods because of school, work, money, and family.
8.  Nagged or brought up things that weren't too important.

Major Incidents that stemmed from me
1.  I didn't trust him so I got clingy.
2.  I had a rough time about my parents using drugs etc and when he did things similar I'd take all that hurt from the past out on him.

Lastly, the book says to write a letter to him, if he were right here in front of me at this exact moment, what would I say?
I'd say....
Dear Chad,
The last 7 years have been rough for both of us.  I had a crazy childhood much like yours, we can relate because of our parents. I put my whole body, heart, mind, and soul into our relationship. I know I had my faults too but a lot of my actions were because of what you did or said.  I want you to know that even all the bad I listed prior to this, I forgive you and I still love you...I don't understand why I feel this way and I know you don't get it either but it is what it is.  I can't change how I feel.  I wish you could get past your guilt and confusion and try being with me-with us being older and more mature.  I know its a hard concept for you to understand, that unconditional love, because your parents didn't give it to you...but its similar to how your grandma can do it, love you unconditionally and not faulting you for your past mistakes.  That's how I was raised, you never give up on someone you love.  I know you said we had no future together and that you love me and you're not in love with me but I think its such bullshit!  You just choose to put a wall between you and I and you're deep down true feelings.  I don't want you today, or tomorrow, not even next week, or the week after because I will be on my cruise soaking up the sun, not even thinking about you (I doubt it).  But my wish, my hope is that you'll get past your guilt, past your wall and try us again.  When we're good, we're really good.  Remember nothing in life is 100% perfect , every relationship gets past that honeymoon phase and it gets comfortable, they should be like your best friend. I'm not saying I'm sitting here and waiting for you, so don't get the wrong idea.  If the right guy comes along I'm ready to take that chance, but if I were you I wouldn't wait too long because if you do it might be too late.  When I say I forgive you it means that I need to begin the process of letting go of what you did to me.  It's for me mostly, not for you.  I know you did all these wrong things to me, but holding onto it is hurting me.

Love Always,
Blondi

My ex boss, Lisa Walters whom I love so much, and I am sooooo glad that I met because she is this amazing woman that seems so strong and wise.  I look to her for unbiased opinions.  Recently, she sent me a fb message saying that Chad is searching for something he's never going to find....and it's funny because that goes with my 100% theory I mentioned earlier.  Sometimes what you're searching for something so hard, you don't realize what's right in front of your face.

Connections

Today I feel: content, sick, guilty, tired, hopeful, excited, and anxious.  I still have a cold, and I would like this scratchy throat to go away any minute now!  I'm feeling guilty because I've neglected the gym most of the week because I haven't been feeling well, however I didn't neglect those red velvet cookies someone brought into work.  I am excited for my cruise.  I'm tired because I worked out at the gym for 2 hours and then tanned.  I am hopeful today because what's meant to be, will be.  I am anxious for my cruise, I am anxious about losing weight, and I'm anxious because since Saturday Chad's been weighing heavy on my mind.  Don't get be wrong I think about him everyday however, it's just this extra strong feeling.  Him and I always had this weird connection where we just knew when either of us "needed" each other.  Or we'd be in the car, and in my head I'd think oh I wish he'd put this song on, and he'd do it when I didn't even say it out loud.  A few months ago when I was at a pretty low point in my life and I hadn't talked to Chad in forever...he texted me out of the blue asking if I was OK. I wasn't OK....but with that stupid connection (I say stupid because it sucks having it when we aren't together) he knew something was up.  So I don't know if it's just my crazy head or if somethings off with him because I don't know, I just feel it. 
Another weird thing happened today as well.  My mom called and left me this voicemail around lunch time telling me that her husband took her out to this habachi place where she lives in west bend.  Then on her way to work (its a long drive) she was praying that she'd just like her daughter Krysta to have one happy day, one day that she feels happy.  Then she got into work and read my blog stating that I felt happy that day.....weird right? So coincidence? or was her prayer answered? After reading Heaven is for Real I have more faith in that higher power and that there really is a god.  I just wish some of my prayers would be answered.  Since mine are seeming to be ignored, maybe my mom should pray everyday for me lol!
Well, that's all for tonight!

Keep me in Mind

I was planning on blogging yesterday but I was just too tired to do that.  My Valentine's Day was pretty crappy in the beginning. I woke up with a major sore throat that I knew was leading to a full blown cold.  However, I was very excited to go to my massage at 3pm.  So I got to work and took some dayquill and I was feeling a little better, then I get a message from the massage lady saying that she has to cancel because she's sick.  OK, I get that she's sick however, I am sick too and I still came to work!  So I called her back and some little, little kid answers the phone and it's all just baby talk, so I hang up and call back, I finally get the girl on the phone and shes like yea I'm sick we'll have to reschedule, I told her that I work until 6pm.  She said she'd just come in for me...but I was thinking I'd get a crappy massage because she was mad.  In the end, she offered to do it on a Sunday...which works out for me.  Then Bailey had his dental on Monday, with 11 extractions!  His stomach was bloated so Malissa dropped him off at my work yesterday for the doctor to look at him...I was worried but she assured me he was just fine, and the x-ray from Monday was significantly different than yesterdays.  Then I had plans with my mom for dinner at this place she's been to before that has some fondue and martini's...so she was really excited to take me there.  We get there and the place is like dead, and the guy comes up to us and says, "I see you ladies looking at the appetizer menu, however are kitchen is closed today".  My mom was pretty upset about it, but it's all good, stuff happens!  So then I suggested going for hibachi because she's never had it. So we did that and she liked it.  So for dinner my mom was my Valentine.  After that I brought Papa a valentine and gave one to Donna too.  All my valentines are people some of the people that have been so supportive lately.  This morning I woke up still feeling icky but overall good.  While I was interning in my field of AODA, one of the things we did in group was ask everyone in the beginning how they felt, to name a feeling.  The feeling can't be good, fine, or OK....you had to have an actual descriptive feeling.  So I'm going to try to start future blogs posts like that.  Today despite having a sore throat, and all the ickyness that comes with a cold I feel HAPPY.  Yes, I said happy people!  Last night my mom told me that she was proud of me...I said what could you possibly proud of about me? And she said that I'm a hell of a better person at my age than she was at this age.  My response was hmmm I don't feel very accomplished.  I still live at 'home', I haven't graduated, I don't have a boyfriend/fiance/husband, no kids, and I almost pretty much live paycheck to paycheck.  I woke up this morning feeling a little different.  I feel happy!  Who cares that I still live at home? Even if I had the money to not live at home, my heart would want to stay because I love where I live.  So I haven't graduated yet, but I have a long life ahead of me to finish and get my degree.  I don't need a boyfriend/fiance/husband or kids.  I'm a strong independent woman, I don't need all that...it'd be nice but it is what it is.  AND I should be happy because 16 days from now I will be in Fort Lauderdale, FL soaking up the sun, getting on that boat that will take me to new places I've never been, have only seen in pictures, and where I've dreamed of going....I'll be soaking up the sun!  My massage is scheduled for the Sunday that I leave...I got my nails done tonight, I get my haircut on the 25th...my hair was highlighted earlier this month....all that's left is packing my bags :) 
On my way home tonight, I heard this song on the radio and I just love it....the video of it it below!

My favorite part is this:
Keep me in mind
Somewhere down the road you might get lonely
Keep me in mind
And I pray someday that you will love me only

I think about you some days
And the way I would lay wastin' day after day with you
We always go our separate ways
But no one can love you baby the way I do

Keep me in mind
Somewhere down the road you might get lonely
Keep me in mind
And I pray someday that you will love me only

Well the world can be real tough
Find shelter in me
If there's no one else to love
Keep me in mind

Well, I hope my blog is interesting to most of you...but I'm off for tonight...gonna wake up early to go to the gym (as long as I'm feeling a little better), and then off to work from 10-6pm!

Lazy Sunday

Today I woke up pretty late, then my sister and I went to the gym.  We kicked some butt there.  We used all these different machines for our legs, chest, and abs!  Then we did about 45 min of cardio (me on the treadmill, her on the bike)...felt really good to work out.  My cruise is in 19 days!  I'm getting soooo excited!  I'm already wanting to get my suitcase out and start packing/planning outfits and what not.  I've had a lot on my mind today.....various things.  My sister Malissa is having a couple hard days and I hate seeing her like that (even though lots of times she irritates the crap outta me, but I still love her!).  I don't like it one bit, and I can totally relate to how she's feeling.  I wish I could take it all out of her head and add it to mine so that she didn't have to suffer.  I've been thinking about my weight as well, and it's not happening fast like I'd like it to, but I am making he effort to work out at the gym.  Times like this make me think about my ex Chad a lot.  I know if we were together he'd be the first one to come to the gym with me and work out with me and push me to do more.  Anna and Malissa go with me and they push me to do it, but not like Chad would, I just know it.  Yesterday I said that I woke up feeling odd or off, I still don't know why, but usually when I'm feeling like that something is wrong with Donna.  We have this thing/connection that we just know when somethings wrong with either one of us or if we need each other.  The only other person I've ever had that with besides her was Chad.  Since Donna was OK yesterday, and I felt okay in general, I'm assuming something was going on with Chad.  I just hope he's OK.  I don't remember if I blogged about meeting with him a few weeks ago or not, but I did.  Seeing him is like a love/hate kind of thing.  Uhhh I wanna stare at him and do other things I'm not going to mention with him and the other hand I'm like you're a crazy asshole!  Basically he told me that we don't have a future together, that he loved me, but wasn't in love with me, and that it would never be the same.  News flash, nothing ever is the same, after awhile the honeymoon is over...especially after 7 yrs! You get comfortable (which is good) but then you just have to take the extra steps and work to spice and liven things up.  Even after he said all that (it hurt really bad, and I pretty much cried all day) I still believe in him and us. Maybe I'm wrong and I'm being stupid or maybe my gut and instincts are right and he's just a chicken shit.  I can see how he could be scared, with his past and life in general, but sometimes you just gotta kick that wall down and go for it. I read this book Heaven is for Real for my book club and it was really eye opening for me because as of late I was a non believer.  But I believe now, however I don't think he pays much attention to me....I pray every night that things will be different, that my hopes, dreams, and wishes will come true.  Maybe if I keep asking/praying they will.  All I know is that I love him more than I've ever loved anything or anyone in my entire life and that's not something that should be ignored.  I also need to get my nails done and a pedicure before my cruise but I don't want to do it too soon and they get all icky before it.  They are chipping and look ugly right now, so hopefully they'll make it another couple weeks.  I'm also finally working out with my meds....starting to get some headache relief, not so depressed (though I do give myself whiplash with all my ups and downs at times), and I'm finally sleeping for longer periods at night before waking up.  Tomorrow is a big day!  I finally convinced Papa and Donna to do a dental on Bailey!  So he's coming to work with me tomorrow and having his teeth cleaned/pulled and also a small mass on his eye removed.  I am sooooooo excited for him...no more stinky breath for him!  Helped with dinner tonight, ravs, Sicilian steak and salad, yummy!  Now time to read some and relax. Hopefully reading keeps my mind off other things, like wondering why I felt so off yesterday, and worrying that something bad happened to Chad or something. 

Pure Romance

Hey everyone! I'm back!  I haven't wrote anything in a LONG time!  I guess I haven't felt like writing all that  much lately.  I've been busy though since I've written last.  I joined the gym (Gold's Gym in Hales Corners), joined a book club with my bff Anna, working, and finalizing all my cruise stuff.  Holy frickin crap it is 20 days until I leave for my cruise!  I am so counting down and looking forward to it.  I can't wait to get the hell out of here for awhile.  It will be nice to relax and clear my head.  I also get to spend March 2nd-12th with Momma Donna, which is awesome!  I haven't been on a vacation like this in almost 4 years.  I've never been on a cruise, so I'm a virgin ;) I just can't wait for no work and all play!  I've been going to the gym alot, haven't lost too much weight yet, but I am building muscle.  I took this boot camp class with my bff Anna last Saturday and it was soooo hard, and I made it through it.  However, the next day I couldn't walk, and the next day after that I could barely walk as well.  The kicker, my instructor was pregnant! So spending time at the gym has been good for the soul and for the body. I feel good going there and working out.  My bff Anna and my sissy Malissa are very good motivators and they come and work out with me!  They also have tanning so I've been doing that a little so that I'm not pasty white on my cruise and getting burnt and being in pain my whole vacation.  So that's pretty much what I've been up to besides work.  Last night I went to a pure romance party at my bff Anna's house.  Never been to one...it was VERY interesting.  Your left arm/hand is your licker and your right arm/hand is your sniffer.  So anything you can taste went on the left and things you could smell went on your right.  I didn't know that all of the stuff there even existed.  We had a little too much wine lol I was licking Anna's arm to see what her flavor was and she was licking mine.  It was really funny!  I really don't know what I'd do without that girl.....she is wonderful! She's all I could ask for in a best friend!  She's been so supportive with me lately and my crazy life and mood swings..I can't thank her enough and I hope she knows how much I love her!  I left the party last night and on the way home I felt kind of sad because everyone at the party was talking about using the products and what not with their significant others, I felt left out :( Then I came home and went to bed.  I woke up this morning feeling so weird.  I've been on different medications the last 2 months and I'm finally sleeping pretty good.  I get into a deep deep sleep and I dream more than I've ever dreamed before.  They are all so vivid and seem so real.  However, every night....I dream of him, yes him.  I'm sure you all know who him is, if you've been keeping up with my blog.  At times that sucks but other times its nice because that's the only time I get to see him and "be" with him.  Sounds lame and stupid but true at the same time.  This morning I woke up feeling off...not myself and I don't know why.  I thought it was maybe because of my thoughts about the party last night, and that could be part of it, but I don't know there's just something else that I can't figure out....I can't pinpoint what's wrong or why I feel so melancholy today.  I'm just off today, not on my game.  I've been doing really well lately, been pretty happy and for the most part on the up swing.  I wish I knew why today just felt weird and off.  I don't know somethings just not right :(  Today I went to see Breaking Dawn Part 1 at the budget theater with Jordan, her friend, and Donna.  I just love those movies!  Afterwards we went grocery shopping, came home and put stuff away.  Donna and I then went to Red Robin for dinner, then off to Barnes and Noble to get coffee and look at books.  So like I've said I was feeling kind of weird and melancholy today, I was going through some status shuffle statuses and I couldn't decide on one so here are a few that I like for today:
1.  Doing the right thing for yourself and doing the right thing for others are usually two different things. Both cannot be accomplished at once.
2.  Wishes there was a way to go back and right all the wrongs. But there isn't
3.  sometimes the hardest thing & the right thing are the same.
4.  What's meant to be will always find a way, and what doesn't find a way was never meant to be.
5. I found myself thinking about you today, and I smiled(: I began to miss you, and I cried:'(
6.  Sometimes silence is the loudest noise! People are asking me how I manage to deal with things so easily, the answer is; I don't I just get better at hiding it..
7. When you love someone, no matter how much they hurt you, no matter how many promises they break, no matter how many times they fail, you will always love them
Too hard to decide which one of those I am feeling at the moment...I think I'm a jumble of all of them.  Basically, I'm a hot mess as they say!  But I'll be OK ;) 20 days til my cruise, I'm definitely going to be OK.