My summer started out Memorial day weekend. We had a nice Saturday and Sunday planned out. Then Sunday we get the call that we had a house fire. It started in the basement, we lost my 2 cats and my families cat, as well as like 80% of our belongings, if not more. My whole family was in shock and devastated. The week after was a whirl wind week. We spent that week cleaning out the house, going through what we could try and save and what had to be thrown away. I think that was hard for the whole family. Having to see all your belongings gone and your house destroyed. It was hard, but for me it was harder to lose my cats and to see my family hurting. I would do anything to get that day back and for the fire to not have happened so that my family hasn't been hurting all this time. It has been very overwhelming for all of us. I feel like since the fire I checked out. I had more bad days than good. I was still in shock of losing Ollie and Libby Lue, and just couldn't believe what happened. I walked around in a daze most days. I was kind of like a robot, going through the motions but not really there. I isolated myself from everyone, even my family. They didn't even want to be around me. I was down and they were scared to say anything and be happy in front of me. I felt like I was in a different place than all of them. I felt like I was all alone. I went back to work and was overwhelmed the first day back with all the cards, gifts, and kind words from my coworkers. I couldn't ask for better coworkers, they have been a good pillar for me. Even the day of the fire many people came to show their support, and I know it meant a lot to all of us. For the first few weeks, maybe even a month, I was still caught in my depression and isolation. It seems easier to do that than have to talk about it all. Having to see friends with their pets and all made me sad and jealous. It is not their fault, just me. This whole summer I am still sad and hurting for my cats, but I think I'm slowly getting better, I'm having more good days. The hotel has a pool, breakfast, sometimes dinner, a small gym, and sometimes dinner. Those are all some good aspects. I've went swimming, layed out in the sun, got a nice little tan going, went to the zoo, went to the Dells, shopping for furniture, but mostly doing inventory. I've been living, eating, sleeping inventory...seems like it never ends. It's so tedious and takes quite a bit of time. I became unisolated from my family with many talks.
However, I stayed isolated to many others, especially my friends. Like I said earlier, it's easier that way. I've also gained more weight, that gets me down, which makes me not want to do anything with friends either, because I feel like a fat cow. I am probably repeating things I've already in past blogs but I guess I want it all together. In the last week, I've had a a double whammy. My friend Anna told me she no longer wanted to be my friend anymore, because I don't call or text, don't respond to messages, and that I am ungrateful. I can assure you that I am not ungrateful. I appreciate everything that has been done for me. I told her that I wanted to sit down and talk about things and try to make her understand me and for her to try to make me understand her. She told me no, that she's going her way, that I should go mine, and go on with our lives separately. I don't agree with this at all. I don't want to lose my friend. I am hoping that she changes her mind. I also hope one day (hopefully sooner rather than later) she can understand these last few months and how its effected me. I don't think there is a protocol book that tells you, your family, or the situation how to handle it all. I've been trying to work on me, and get to a better place so that I can be a true family member and friend again. I was caught up in reading pet books to get some inspiration and insight into the loss of them. So to my friend Anna (yes, no matter what you say I still consider you my friend), I met you years ago, and we just hit it off. We've had many good times and many laughs. You've also been there through my tears of heartbreak of boys. I though that was going to be the hardest think to lose, but I soon learned that the loss of other things means way more to me. I'm sorry that I isolated myself, and wasn't a very good true friend. I was neglectful towards our relationship, and should have done more. I wish there was a better way to explain all of this in a better way that will make you understand, but not make it sound like an excuse. After speaking to Donna about this, because it made me really sad she told me that she has isolated herself from many, many friends....said it's just easier that way. Our heads are going a mile a minute about everything. When I did talk to you, I neglected to ask how things were with you. I was so wrapped up in my drama that I was selfish and only cared about getting what I needed out. That was horrible of me to do. I don't have many girlfriends, and you were the one that I turned to most. So Anna, please reconsider and help me back into a normal life. I promise I am moving out of the isolation stage. I can be on the other side and imagine how you must feel. I would be pissed too. What can I do to get you back? I need my girl friend, and I need her ASAP.
Another whammy that I had the day before, was Chad (my friend, and whom I was seeing for awhile and crossed that friend line with). He basically told me that we would have never worked because I wouldn't have liked any of his friends and that he has a lot going on right now. He has a lot going on right now? Hahaha I just can't believe he said that. He was supposed to at least be my friend after the fire and I didn't hear a word for him...and if I did it was very short answers to emails/texts that I sent him. This is very sad and disappointing. I think his excuse was a poor, pathetic ass excuse. So I lost my two best friends in the matter of days.
So this summer is a summer of loss. I am super stressed about money, the house, my family, Anna, chad, and everything else that adds to all of that. Can I catch a break? Oh, forgot to mention that I've had issues with my dad....he took out a parent plus loan for school for me and they are bugging him to pay it, he told me that I need to get the shit taken care of because he's trying to buy a house. He told my grandpa that he was getting evicted and that they were going to garnish his wages. Few things: his credit is already bad, he just filed bankruptcy, and an action would have been filed to garnish wages. Years ago, he opened two credit cards in my name at the age of 16. How the hell he did that I don't know. Not many people know this but I am so angry with him that I am spilling it all because it makes me feel like a weight has been lifted. I told him, how does it feel? It took me years to better and gain my credit. I could have signed the paperwork and he would have been punished through the legal system. But I gave him the out and I took the hit. I did that for my siblings. He also borrows money from everyone in our family and assures them that he will pay them back. Has he paid any of you back? I highly doubt it! He is very manipulative and tries to get something so that it will benefit him, and only benefit him. While I was at it, I figured, why not go all the way and tell him what else angers me. I told him that he should have given custody of me to Tom and Donna back then. I could have had health insurance, dental insurance, and braces. I could have had a lot more things that they could give to me that he couldn't. Instead he was selfish, I believe that he wanted to look like the good guy, the hero, taking me in because my mother was failing at the time. What kind of parent does that to their child? Don't they want the best for their children? I know as a parent you have to make tough decisions but it has to be done. And truth be told, I would have had it better with papa and Donna. I live with them now, and I feel like home. I feel like a family, I feel like Papa is a goo father, no not just good, great! We may have our differences or don't see eye to eye on things, or my disappointments to him. Through all that though, he proves to be a good father, a great father. He provides for his family, and his "girls" come first. He makes sure we have not only what we need but things we want, things that would be nice to have. We are spoiled...us girls are really spoiled. It's been a rough road but I believe as a family we will get through this and be OK, maybe even better. I am getting a great new bed and other furniture for my room, I'm lucky to have them and what they are doing for us all.
My walls are painted, as is the rest of the house, bath tubs in, new windows are in, cabinets are hung, some closet doors on, and patio is layed. We just go the news today that they will be finished by May 30th! That is a little over 2 weeks....I never thought this day would come. I'm excited to be back "home" but scared because it's all going to be new. I'm not the type that likes change so it will be another hurdle for me...but I believe I can jump this hurdle.
I talked with Sage a week after the fire (the pet communicator, not sure if anyone believes in that, but I do) and we talked to Ollie, Libby Lue, and Abby (the 3 cats that passed). Libby was stuck in a limbo not sure what happened. Abby was happy and was staying where she was. Ollie was not mad at me (nor was Libby) and he said he was coming back to me within 6 months as a black and white kitten. I am not supposed to find him, he will come to me. In the past, I have never doubted Sage and her abilities. Now, I am skeptical....because what if he doesn't come back? What if it's all bs? He is my person. For those of you that watch Grey's Anatomy you'll get this...but he really is my person. So I NEED him back. He's going to come back and lead me through this mess and stay with me for a very long time. I try to think of things I am thankful for now so I'd like to address some of the people.
To Papa: I don't know how you do it, you are so strong. You have kept this family together, and worked your ass off to make sure we are taken care of in this time. I know you are a ball of stress, but you don't show it very much. Know that you do a great job of it, and that you are a wonderful dad. Know how thankful we are to have you. Know how grateful we are to have you. You are our pillar, and you're trying to pick up the pieces. You've always told us that Papa can fix everything, but one thing, you can't take away a broken heart. But you damn well try to help put the pieces of my heart back together. Thank you for being so patient with me and giving me the time I need.
To Donna: You are my person, person. My go to, has an answer for everything. You can help me solve any problem. You are also a pillar, and kept this family together. I am grateful to have you and appreciate everything you do. You are always there to listen and dry my tears. You give me words of encouragement and believe that Ollie is coming back to me, even if I am skeptical. Knowing you believe, gives me more hope. Hope is keeping me going.
To Malissa: you are my sissy, the one I share the bed with. Ha, not going to lie it has been tough. Sharing a room, and a bed. I'm OCD about organization and making the bed. You on the other hand are not. It has been interesting, but we work through it. Thank you for putting up with my crazy OCD. Thanks for listening. Thanks for having a fun weekend in the dells...it will be a great memory. It's going to be weird moving back in, not sleeping with you. You have also been strong through all this...give some of your strength to me please. Love you sissy!
To Jordan: oh Jojo, thank you for telling me I'm pretty all the time, it truly means a lot. We have our bad moments lately, and I think it has to do with our confined place, but you have been a strong little girl as well. It's been a tough 2 years and you've come right through it. You will be a great Young woman one day.
As to other family members and friends: I thank you for all your support and help. For a weekend in the Dells and watching episodes of True Blood with me, and for understanding my isolation....couldn't do it without you all.
Thanks for reading so much.....and you'll be hearing more soon as the house gets finished.
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