I know you all are going to hate this post, so I'm forewarning you before you even keep reading. If you keep reading you can not judge or be angry.
So, some days I wish I could go back 4 weeks and 4 days.....and I'd kiss my babies and hug them like I'm never letting go. Some days I wish I could go back 4 weeks and 3 days, the day of the fire. Instead of going to visit Brandon, I'd stay home. I'd watch my family leave to go to my aunts for dinner, but I would stay behind to finish getting ready to meet them there. I could have been there when it started and have seen it start. I could have saved my babies, I could have called 911 faster, I could have saved my family's house and more of their belongings so they didn't lose as much. If I'd have been there it wouldn't be this bad. If I hadn't gone to visit Brandon, things would be different. These are my beliefs, other people have the belief that if I was there, that I wouldn't have made it out. That I could have been sleeping and not made it out. Or that I'd be so hell bent on saving my cats, and my family's belongings that I'd got injured or died in the process. Who knows which way it would have went. Some days I want it to be that I was there and saved my cats and more of the house and belongings, other days I wish it would have went the opposite way that everyone else thinks. I feel like it's just as bad now. Everything's all screwed up and out of sorts. We're living in a hotel, walking our dogs on leashes (which really sucks, compared to just letting them in the yard), and living on small amounts of clothes. Most days I feel like I'm walking around like a robot, wake up, eat breakfast, go to work, fake smile to the clients and friendly with my coworkers, come home do some more fake smiles for the family so that they think I'm ok and normal like them. They say fake it 'til you make it. How long does that usually take? Because I'm not sure how much longer I can fake it. I miss my cats, I miss our house, I miss our normal life, and I miss how our relationships were. I feel like I don't belong. I love Papa, Donna, Malissa, and Jordan and I can't imagine being anywhere else. Lately, though I just don't feel like I fit into the dynamics of the family. I'm trying really hard to tell myself that it's all in my head and that everything's ok, but it's hard. I feel sometimes that I walk into a room, and it gets quiet. I feel like the closeness I had with some are gone, and that closeness that I had was transferred to someone else.
Can you understand now, why I look back? Do you blame me?
It could have come out better, I could be here with my cats and my family not have lost as much or I could not be here for all the hurt, pain, and suffering I feel inside. Instead, my cats aren't here, my family lost just about everything, and I'm suffering through this. If I could choose the cats to be saved, the house and its belongings not a total lost, and my family's time to be better now for me being gone I would do it in a heart beat, because that all means more to me, well I guess than me. I'd sacrifice all that for them.
So, TODAY this is how I feel....tomorrow might be different. I might feel completely different tomorrow, I never know what I'm going to get each morning waking up. I just wish this whole thing never happened, that it was a bad, bad dream and it's just taking a while to wake up.
On another note, I've mentioned the Miranda Lambert song, "Over You" in both Libby Lue and Ollie's letters. I have that song on a CD and this morning when I got into my car the CD was playing and I knew that song was coming on soon, so I shut off the CD to listen to the radio, and the next song on the radio was "Over You" by Miranda Lambert. I was like OMG! Really? Then later on I leave work, and 106.1 went to a commercial so I switched to a different station and when that station played commercials I changed back to 106.1 to hear that "Over You" by Miranda Lambert was up next. I don't know why, but this was very strange to me, very weird. Made me think that Ollie was up there trying to tell me something, but what I don't know. I really hope with all my heart, soul, and being that Ollie does make his way back to me as this little white and black kitten that Sage told me about.
Krysta I don't know much about your family but maybe you could sit them down and talk to them and make them understand what you're going through. Ask them questions find out why they act this way towards you. I hope things get better for you. I think it would benefit you to join a support group with people your age who are going through the same kind of things. A lot of times a support group could give you a lot more than your family could give you. Just a thought.
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