Looking Back

Every once and awhile, I look back and read some of my blogs...kind of gives you a perspective on those days and your feelings at that time.  Looking back at the last few posts of mine, I feel like I didn't explain myself and everything good enough, or that I mislead people to something I didn't mean.  It's been 5 weeks since the fire, and I feel like everyday I get a little better.  Some days are bad, but I'm really trying to go up and head in the right direction.  I hope that I can explain things a little better today, now that I am feeling different. 
I think I lead everyone who reads my blog to believe that I'd choose Ollie over anything, or that I loved him more than someone.  That's not true.  I love all my family and friends just as much as I love Ollie.  When I'm talking about missing him and the loss of him, I'm comparing the loss to other losses, like Chad.  Yes I loved Chad (still do), and yes I love Ollie...I loved them both.  However, sitting down here today looking at the LOSS of Chad compared to the LOSS of Ollie, losing Ollie hurts way more in my heart than it does for Chad.  I emphasis on LOSS, because loss is different than love.  So here's another example: if I were to lose one of my sisters and lose Ollie, the loss of my sister would be way more painful than my loss of Ollie.  I haven't lost many things/people that are close to me, so I can only compare Ollie to what I have lost, which for example is Chad.  Does this make more sense than prior posts?
Also, looking back on posts...I can see myself coming off as whiney to others, that it's all about me and I lost my cats and yada yada yada.  I am not whining to get attention, I am not whining to have people feel sorry for me, and I am not whining just to whine.  I am simply voicing my thoughts out here on my blog as a sort of therapy for me.  I can't necessarily say all of these thoughts to people because it's way overwhelming for me to think about, I don't want to put my problems on others, so I voice it on here.  Whether you read this or not, this is for me to get some of my feelings out of my head and body, so that I don't just explode into one huge ball of mess.
I guess, put yourself in my shoes....it's a hard thing to do, you probably can't, because it's not happening/happened to you.  Maybe I love my pets harder than most people, but should I get faulted for that?  When it comes time for any of you to lose a pet, should I fault you for being sad? Everyone grieves at a different rate and in many different ways.  So what, it's been 5 weeks and I'm not completely over it.  Everyday I try to get a little better...I take one day at a time.  I'm the type to wear my heart on my sleeve, and I can cry on the drop of a dime, that's who I am though...should I change who I am because other people don't like to see me cry? I wouldn't expect that from anyone I know, so it shouldn't be expected of me.
Another thing, I want to see my friends, coworkers, and family happy.  I love seeing others around me happy, especially if I helped in any way.  You all don't have to act sad, or tip toe around me, I'm OK with all of that.  I don't want anyone to think they can't tell me a cute story about their pets, I love to hear about it.  Brandy, tells me all the time at work the new things her cats are doing.  Yes, it makes me think of my cats, of course it would.  However, you telling me the story doesn't make me mad or you didn't make me sad...just a little thought or similar act of your pet can make me think of mine that I lost.  Not every time will it make me tear up, sometimes I will laugh and smile, others it might be a little more sentimental and close to my heart....but this can happen to anyone. 
I just want to note that yes, I lost my cats, yes, I lost belongings, but my family lost a pet too, they lost belongings too, we lost our house, but most importantly, Papa and Donna lost everything that they have worked for, for years and years.  Going through this I can say that they have to be the strongest people I know.  They've had to carry our burdens and more so their own, and they carry them well.  They barely ever show a weak moment, and they have every right to a weak moment.  I just hope they know how important they are to me, and how strong I think they are for holding the family together along with trying to get our lives and our house back on track.
I want to admit that I am jealous of Papa, Donna, and Malissa.  I've felt jealous from day one.  They each got a pet that was saved and that they have through all of this.  I know they lost Abby too, but I am still jealous.  I am not angry at them, how could I be? They didn't do this or decide it, it was a chance by fate.  Some will say, Gods will.  I'm happy for them, that they each got their pups.  I love all three of those pups too.  I guess what I've been trying to get out is that I am so angry with God for all of this.  I am just sooo angry, the anger consumes me at times.  Right now, I don't have much faith in God.  I need him to show/give me something so that I can start building my faith up and getting back on track.  (Aunt Lori, I'm sorry, I know this part of the blog upsets you, or at least I think it will)
Lastly, I want to thank each and everyone of you for everything you've done or said to me or for me these last 5 weeks.  None of it has gone unnoticed or not appreciated.  I couldn't be doing this without all of you.  Obviously to Papa and Donna for being wonderful parents, getting through this, building our house again, holding the family together, and being here for each one of us girls. To my mom, you've been very nice to talk to and our dinners take my mind away a little, so thank you.  To Lisa Walters, thank you for the session with Sage, dinner talks, and texting me to see how it's going.  It means a lot to me, and I know you can relate to me because you understand the whole pet soul mate thing.  You also bring in a neutral bias and different sides to every situation...so for all that I thank you.  To my sister Malissa, thank you for putting up with me these last few weeks....for sharing a room/bed with me, for listening to me talk, for being there when I cry, and being there as I'm trying to "get back up", mostly thanks for your patience and understanding.  I love you!  To Aunt Judy, you were there since day 1 and you are still here today...thank you for everything you've done since then.  To Aunt Mary, thank you for being there whenever I need you, whenever I need to talk to you, for being a distraction and keeping my mind off things at times, for listening to me when I need to talk, for being there when I cry and understanding the whole situation.  To Aunt Anna, your love goes a long way to me...thank you for the hugs, the laughs, for shopping all over for yarn, letting me watch True Blood at your place, and for just being there for me all the time.  To all my coworkers, you all have been supportive in every way.  You can sympathize in every way how I am feeling, and you get that it hurts a lot, and you get that it will take some time to get better.  You guys are great, and I couldn't imagine a better team than all of you at BRAH.  Thanks to all but not necessarily in that order of people.