Monday, June 4, 2012
Deeper and Deeper
Yesterday was 7 days from the fire. The week felt like it was the longest week of my life! All week we've been cleaning out our house, deciding what we can try and save and what is unsalvageable. The first day was the basement with a lot of my belongings. It was really hard to see all my stuff being thrown away. I miss my cats more than anything in the world. I feel like my home family (Papa, Donna, Malissa, Jordan, and Jeff) are all moving on ok, they are seeing all the positives of the whole situation. Dont get me wrong, I totally see all the positives of it all as well. However, I feel like if Im sad or crying that I have to hide it because my family is sick of me. Im sorry that my cats were my world, and it's easier for the rest of them because they have 3 out of their 4 pets left. I know everyone lost stuff, and that the house comes first. I feel like Im being faulted because I haven't finished mourning. Then, I find out that Papa doesn't want me to get another cat when we move back in....what happened to the we'll get another kitty as I was sobbing over losing my two babies? Was that just to suffice me? Then, from the very begginning I said that I didn't want more than half my stuff replaced....I want a bed, some clothes, some shoes, makeup, some body spray, blow dryer and straightner.....I don't want a TV, bookshelf, books, or my ihome. They have already replaced my tennis shoes and my makeup, which I am very thankful for. I guess I just feel like the odd one out of the family....I feel like they don't want me. Donna and I were so close, and I feel like I'm losing her or have already lost her. I know this week has been stressful and overwhelming for us, especially Papa and Donna, but I feel like I can't go to Donna with anything, when she's the one I've always gone to. So on top of everything else, I feel like I've lost her too. As most of you know, if you've read my blog in the past, that I've been pretty down and depressed in the past, but I was getting better and was in a better place, and that was great! Now that all this happened, I'm really down. Some because of the obvious reasons and other things (like these things with my family and Donna) that I never expected at all. I feel like I shouldn't be here with my family because there's all these complaints about me, and that I should find a new place to live because maybe I just stress them out more. All I do know is that I'm sinking deeper and deeper into my depression, and no one sees it or no one knows it. I've learned that it's easier to slip back down and more down into my depression when no one else notices. I just don't know what to do anymore, I'm just sick of fighting in this game of life, I'm just not seeing the point. My family has said, thank God you weren't in the fire and that I would have died trying to save my cats....but hearing all the complaints makes me wonder if they really meant what they said. Right now I am still standing with the belief that if I was there I could have saved my cats, and if I died, I died.....I guess I loved them more than I love me.
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Krysta,
ReplyDeleteI wasn't going to comment but decided to. I'm hesitant in saying what I would like to say at the risk of getting you more upset or mad at me even though we really don't know each other very well. I really don't want to hurt your feelings but I think you need to put your situation in prospective. I'm sure your family still loves you and they don't mean to make you feel like the odd one out. I'm not sure how much of the house and the family's belongings were lost but I'm sure pretty much of it, especially from smoke damage. Tom and Donna must be very overwhelmed with so many things - making sure their whole family (including you) has what you need, dealing with insurance, getting the house repaired, once the house is livable they will need to purchase furniture and other belongings, etc. Thankfully I have never had to deal with something so tragic like this so I really have no idea but I'm sure it's quite an undertaking and one that will go on for several months. Then there is the phychological aspects of dealing with this kind of event.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that they have A LOT on their plate and I am sure when things get back to even "somewhat" normal you will feel closer to Donna and the rest of the family again.
I know you are having a hard time and things were getting better - it just doesn't seem fair, does it? Just try to dwell more on the positive, choose to have a good outlook on life and try to make the best of each day. Things will get better - you just have to keep your chin up!
Again, I really hope I didn't upset you more. It's just a tough situation all the way around and Tom and Donna are probably doing the best they can to get through it and be strong for all of you.
Anna
I take no offense to it at all....I know all of what you said is very true, I get all of what they have to do an etc. I guess I just thought that Donna and my relationship and bond was stronger than that to let anything get in the way. I also don't want anyone to get the wrong idea....I am not putting any of my family down, or make them look bad. I am simply just venting how I have been feeling and needed to get it out because I didn't feel like I could talk about it with anyone. I have always been better expressing myself in writing than in speaking, especially this last week. This last week I've forgot my email when asked, don't remember conversations, or texting conversations as well. But Anna, I take no offense to what you say, all your comments have always been nicely written,to the point, sharing wisdom, and putting things into perspective.
DeleteI take no offense to it at all....I know all of what you said is very true, I get all of what they have to do an etc. I guess I just thought that Donna and my relationship and bond was stronger than that to let anything get in the way. I also don't want anyone to get the wrong idea....I am not putting any of my family down, or make them look bad. I am simply just venting how I have been feeling and needed to get it out because I didn't feel like I could talk about it with anyone. I have always been better expressing myself in writing than in speaking, especially this last week. This last week I've forgot my email when asked, don't remember conversations, or texting conversations as well. But Anna, I take no offense to what you say, all your comments have always been nicely written,to the point, sharing wisdom, and putting things into perspective.
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