Bye, Bye Ollie Boy

It took me a little longer to work my way up to writing my letter to Ollie, but I have finished it. It is quite long, significantly longer than Libby's was. I put a lot of time, effort and tears into it. So, here it goes. Dear Ollie, Where to begin? From the day I met you, to the day you passed, you were a little fire cracker. It was a fluke meeting you. I was with Donna picking up our concert tickets at Fedex, and HAWS was right next door. Donna I said lets go in to just see all the cute little animals. I didn't want another cat, I didn't plan to have another cat, it never crossed my mind really until I met you. We walked past you, played with you a bit, then moved on to look at the other cats. I kept being drawn to you. To this day, I can't say why it was you. Donna kept telling me I should take your sister. I said no I want him. After I felt like I needed you, I needed to convinve Papa that I needed you too.  He said no, many times, I don't know what it was that made hi say yes, but I thank him so much because in our short time together I loved you so much and we had this crazy, unbreakable bond.  The first week Libby didn't take to you very well, and you were pretty scared.  You would cuddle with me in bed.  You weren't strong enough to get through the cat door, so a lot of your time was spent in my room in the beginning.  Papa took the swinging door off the cat door so that you could come upstairs.  You walked around like you owned the place.  Jordan had that toy carrier that you loved to be in until you outgrew it.  You were such a playful boy.  Right after the first week, Libby was still staying clear of me, mad because I brought you home.  I contacted Sage.  You remember Sage right?  She talked with you about when Josh stepped on you and I had to take you to the animal er.  She said you had some lynx in your past life.  I looked up pictures of a lynx out of curiosity.  Boy, you sure did look like one.  I was going through so muc before getting you and when I got you.  Looking back I don't know what I would have done then if I didn't have you.  You helped me get over Chad, and you helped me get through my depression.  You gave me reasons to smile.  You'd be by my side the minute I got home, if you weren't, you'd be sleeping on my bed.  You'd look at me, stretch out and start purring as I bent down to give you lots of kisses and love.  I loved that you loved kisses.  I'd kiss you all day if I could.  If I could go back I'd kiss you a million times.  You went to work with me, and everyone always said you were an amazing, unique cat.  Eventually you grew enough to get through the cat door with the swinging door back on.  You got bigger, and bigger, the dogs were scared of you!  You had that saggy tummy like the lions do.  We talked with Sage again and asker her why you didn't cuddle as much anymore, you told her because when you were little you didn't know any better, but now you were like a mountain lion.  You had a very big ego and personality.  I went away for the weekend and Donna and Jordan dressed you up in her build a bear pumpkin costume and they sent me pictures.  You were such a good sport about it all.  You were so laid back.  You were my boy, you were my world, and I lived and breathed you.  When you started having some urinary problems I brought you to work to get you looked at.  We found out you had cystitis.  So, I had to put you on prescription wet food for your bladder.  It was going to cost me more but you were worth every penny and more.  You'd be so excited at night to get your food, and then in the mornings you did everything you could (knock over my garbage can, take books out of my book shelf, etc.) to wake me up to get you your food.  I loved all of my time with you, some said I was a little obsessed, maybe I was, but you were my boy, my world, my kitty soul mate.  God I just miss you so much, it hurts so bad.  It's been so hard these last few weeks without you.  I hate waking up every morning  and you're not here.  I thought I had a whole lifetime to get to know you better, to grow with you, to love you, and to be loved by you.  This wasn't supposed to happen!  It was supposed to be years and years when I did all I could for you and the last option was euthinasia.  I didn't even get to say goodbye.  I wasn't there for you, you must have been so scared.  I remember that morning, I woke up a little later, and I was getting ready to leave but I had to give you your food before I left.  You were meowing up a storm wanting your your food as I warmed it for you.  I kept saying, God Ollie it's coming, be quiet!  Those were the last words I said to you.  How shitty of me.  If I could go back to that moment, I wouldn't have complained.  If I could just hear your meowing and just you again, I would do anything.  I would have kissed and hugged you more and longer.  If I'd have known, I wouldn't have left at all.  If I'd have been home I probably could have saved you.  It's been so hard without you, and no one else understands.  They think I'm dwelling in the past.  I'm not dwelling it the past, I'm missing you, my heart hurts so much from missing you.  I'm not the same person I was, and people don't like that.  I wish you were here to help me through this like the stuff you helped me with before.  I hate laying in bed and you're not there, or waking up and you're not here.  What am I going to do without you?  Who's going to be my boy, my Ollie boy now?  It's not fair that you got taken from me in such a short time.  I wish you could have been awake and tried to get out.  I said this in Libby's letter, there's this song by Miranda Lambert that everytime I hear the chorus I think of you and usually cry, "...cause you went away, how dare you? I miss you, they say I'll be ok, but I'm not ever going to get over you."  I talked to Sage a couple of weeks ago (thanks to Lisa Walters) and she talked with you first.  You said that you didn't suffer, that you just went to sleep.  I told you that I am so sorry for not being there, and you said that I was there, just not phyisically.  When I got the call about the fire, my first thought was, Ollie, and my second thought was, he's gone.  I said I was sorry that I wasn't there to save you, and you said there was nothing I could have done.  I told you that I love you, that I miss you, and that I'd do anything to get you back.  Then you told Sage that I shouldn't worry because you were coming back to me in the next 6 months as a white and black kitten, more white than black.  My response was, "a kitten?".  I was so happy to hear that, I'd take you back anyway, shape or form, but as a kitten we get to grow together.  I asked why? Why come back to me?  You told Sage because we had a great bond, we were a good team, that we had fun together, and that I need you as much as you need me.  Grandma Josephine said that the white represents purity and how much love I have for you (hence the more white than black) and the black was where you came from and what you went through to come back to me.  So, Ollie boy, you best be on your way back to me, getting all your ducks in a row, and coming to find me.  I don't know how all that works but Sage said not to look that you'd come to me.  I just have to have patience and that you'll come. I' scared to death that you won't find me, or that I won't find you.  I'm also scared that I'll choose the wrong one.  So, Ollie boy, Ollie Ollie Oxen...goodbye.  But this only be a short goodbye and a I'll see you soon instead I'll be waiting...forever if I have to!

Love always,

Your Momma

I hope all of you can understand this letter and can appreciate my thoughts.  A lot of people say they can relate, but can they?  My babies died in a tragic incident, and I didn't get to say goodbye.  When you euthanize a pet, it's your decision, and you get to say goodbye while they are still alive.  You don't have to see them carried dead, smelling like fire and smoke, out of your house.  At that moment (at least for me), I felt like my whole world was caving in.  Some say that I lost a pet, that I need to get over it, and I can always get another one.  No one will replace my babies.  You can't begin to understand my story because you don't have my head, and heart.  You don't know how much love I hold/held in my heart for my two precious babies.  Hell, I didn't even know to this extent that I was until they were completely gone.  Living this, and losing them made all things in the past (like my love for Chad) look so, so minor.  I mentioned Sage in this note a lot.  She is a animal communicator among other things.  She is a wonderful woman, and has helped me out with my pets many times.  Thank you to Lisa Walters for introducing me to her, and helping me with this last session I had with Sage.  If you are interested or want to know more about Sage, she has a website: http://www.dancingporcupine.com/. 
Lastly, thank you to everyone who has helped me in the last few weeks.  To my BRAH family, I've never had such a workplace that has been so caring, kind, and supportive.  Special thanks to Natalie for the scrubs.  Special thanks to my boarding team members for picking up those hours of mine during and after the fire.  To Brandy, I love you girl!  I don't know what I'd do without you, you're caring means so much to me.  Your understanding and non-judgement attitude towards me, is a relief through all of this.  All of you have just reached out in special ways.  Kelsey too, you are great and you always go above and beyond for people, I love you for that.
To everyone else, my family, friends, ex boyfriends, and friends that I haven't talked to in ages: thank you for reaching out during this time, your thoughtfulness and concern hasn't gone unnoticed. 
Thanks to all the people that follow my blog, I hope this one was ok.