Bye, Bye Libby Lue

So, someone suggested that I should write a letter to Libby Lue and Ollie because I am having a very difficult time letting go and saying good bye. Why do they call it a "good"bye anyway? How is it ever good? Below is my letter to Libby Lue. I decided to do her first because I knew it would be easier than my one to Ollie. Not that I loved him more, just had a way different, unique bond with him. One last thing before I share the letter is something else I learned from this experience. My whole relationship with Chad and all the hurt, sadness, tears, and depression that came with that for the last 7 years, doesn't even compare to this. That seems so small into comparison. Plus, to help me get over him I had my babies. Now, I have nothing to help me through. Dear Libby Lue- Hi baby! How are you hunny? Remember that? I used to say that everytime I came home and saw you. You'd look at me and curl over a little because you were comfy sleeping. Do you remember the first day I got you? That day I had put my childhood kitty Ozzy to sleep. I was by no means replacing him. I got you that day to help me along in my grieving process. Man, you were my girl! You would always come lay on my chest when I was reading, doing homework, or texting on my phone. You wanted all the attention. Do you miss your favorite treat? Or do they have an infinite supply of beef jerky where you are? The minute you heard the sound of that bag, you came running! I know you and I did some "traveling" from home to home, but it all was easier with you by my side. I loved/love you so much! Just a few months ago, I found this little bump on your head, and you probably thought I was crazy and you were mad because I brought you to the vet. But baby, it was all because I love you. In the last 6 years I've cried so many times and you were there for every tear. What am I going to do now? Who's going to be with me when I cry? I could have used you these last few weeks. You and I talked with Sage almost a week after you passed and you were kind of in a limbo. You didn't know where you were, what had happened, or where your body was. Sage told you what happened. I hope and pray that you have moved on from that place. I'm so sorry I wasn't there to save you. I would have went through hell and high water to save you! I hope you know that. I know you told Sage that it was like any other day, that I had gone off and you expected me to come back later. I want you to know that it felt like that to me too. It was like any other day. If I'd have known, I'd have paid more attention to you, held on tighter and longer. I hope you aren't still upset for bringing Ollie into our lives. I know he got on your nerves but I feel like you tolerated him for me. What an admirable thing of you to do. I hope you're sitting high and mighty where ever you are, my prissy princess. My dainty little flower. I would do anything to get you back. Papa, Momma Donna, Malissa, and Jordan have all moved onto a different level than me. I'm still stuck in the shock of it all. At night, I still feel like saying, "come on baby, lets go to bed." It wasn't supposed to happen this way. It was supposed to be MY choice as to when you'd pass. You were supposed to get old and sick, and I'd have done everything I could to make you better. Then, it would have been MY choice to euthanize and get to say my good byes to you while you were still alive. Not on my front lawn, you already passed, with me sobbing while I held/pet you. Not on the dental room table with your frozen body. I didn't want to leave you. Now these days I'm walking around in a daze, pasting my smile on for everyone else. Do you know how exhausting it is to fake all that happiness? It drains me! No one sees how much I'm hurting, I keep it disguised pretty well, but inside I'm dying. No one seems to get it (minus my co-workers, because they feel the same about their pets). No one understands that you were literally my world. I lived and breathed you. You weren't just a cat, you were my baby, my child! Everyone says, "oh you can get another one." Then they say, (because they feel like an ass saying the first comment) "well it won't replace the other one but you can have another one." A human mother, losing their human child is just the same as me losing you. So, Libby Lue you were my child. I will never replace you. I've been thinking why this has been extra hard on me...I figured out that it's probably because I didn't get to say a proper good bye. If I'd have gotten that, and if it were different circumstances, I'd be so excited to get a new kitty. But the Krystatoday is broken down, laying on the ground getting kicked...and I amscared to death to get another one. Plus, I am not over you. As my newest favorite song by Miranda Lambert says "...but you went away, how dare you? I miss you, they say I'll be ok,but I'm not going to ever get over you." So, bye bye Libby Lue, bye bye baby...it's really true you're gone. I hope one day we meet again. Well, that was emotionally exhausting! I don't think I am nearly done crying, the littlest things remind me of her. Sitting here alone in bed makes me think of her because I know she would be laying right next to me curled up on the bed sleeping with me. I miss hearing her little bellon her collar when she would be walking. Her collar is now on my key chain, so I can hear it all the time, makes me feel like she is withme.