I've been contemplating all night and morning if I was actually going to do this.....and I decided that I am. I feel like no matter how hard I try when I am talking to you that I can't get the words out how I want them. So here is one of my famous "novels" for you. I hope that after this I can make you understand what I mean by everything. Donna told me that you said that you wanted me to scream at you for everything you've done in the past. Chad, I can't do that. It may make you feel better because of all the guilt that you carry, but I just can't. I'm not angry anymore. I can forgive, but I'll never forget. I've forgiven you for all you've done. How can I do that, you may ask? It's the past, why dwell on it? It can't be changed, it's already done. I see that you are beating yourself up over it enough for the two of us. A lot of things you say contradict themselves. You always told me, why do you need to be with someone? Why can't you take the time and be alone to find yourself? You say you have, but statements that you make contradict that. If you can't trust yourself and you haven't forgiven yourself for the past, that you haven't even begun to find yourself. A lot of people are under the assumption that how I am right now is all because of you, for the last time, it's not! You're just the icing on the cake. If you read my blog regularly you would see that one post specifically (pacifically to you lol) stated that it's not just about you. I've been feeling like this for a long time. I think it's pretty selfish and conceited to assume it's just about you, don't you think? I thought out of all most everyone that you knew me pretty well, and could see through all the crap. Once upon a time, you and I talked about everything....and I probably miss that the most. You were like my best friend. So, since you haven't asked what's going on with me, I guess I'll go ahead and tell you to show you that it's not just about you. First of all it's very hard for me through all of this because I've never felt like this. I've always known what I wanted and where I wanted to go. I never really dealt with how my parents made me feel. It really hurts that my mom chose drugs over me. It really hurts that my father chose his selfishness over my well being. He should have signed me over to Papa so that I would be properly taken care of, but he didn't. I'm not happy with school...I don't even know if that's what I want to do anymore. That leaves me to wonder if I wasted 5 years and 60,000 dollars on nothing???? That's a lot of time, and a lot of money! I'm so sick of credit card bills, cell phone bills, car payments, car insurance, gas, food, vacation money (however I think I do really need the cruise I am going on), my truck breaking and costing a crap load, papa, Malissa, josh, work, school....just everything! Then add you into the mix and it all just sucks! Writing this now, I think I realized why I hold on to you so strongly, because it's the one thing I know for sure that I want, that I love, that I know what I want. Everything else in my life, I don't know. For just one day it would be nice to not feel any of it, to just be free, not care, not worry.....just be gone. Just go to sleep and not wake up. So those thoughts right there Chad is what brought me to paying 150.00 for insurance a month (adding to my list of worries) so that I can get help, so that I can be put on medications to feel normal again, and not want to leave my life. Do you get that? And no I'm not being dramatic or trying to make you feel sorry for me...not at all. This is how I have truly felt....for awhile now. So it's not a ploy to get you back into my life and what not. If you come back, I want you to come back on your own. You said yesterday that you want me to be happy again...so do I! In the past I may have said that you hinge my happiness, well that's not true. You may be part of it, but definitely not all of it. I don't need you in my life, however I want you in my life. You've been part of my life for over 7 years now, I don't want that to change. I miss you more than you know. You don't know how I long to get lost in a hug from you and hear you say that everything is going to be OK, and that I will feel normal again, that I will want to live, that I will be happy. Do you honestly think that I like being so "high" one day and then so low the next? Hell, I can't even say it's like that day to day, more like hour to hour. I think you are under the assumption that I am selfish and want what I want and not care what others want. I go to bed every night praying (if there is even a god) and thanking that I have family and friends, that they are healthy, I also pray EVERY NIGHT that chad is safe, that he is happy, and that he is finding himself, that he is staying out of trouble....I pray that you come back to me, IF IT'S MEANT TO BE, and if it's not that I will in turn be happy without you and possibly with someone else in the future. However, I can't let someone in to date and whatever until I have fixed myself and my thoughts....so moving on doesn't always have to be with someone. Donna asks you if you can honestly say that you don't ever see a future for us ever? and you respond that you can't honestly say. But to me you say that you don't feel it and blah blah blah. I know you say that stuff to me thinking that it hurts and will make me move on like you so want me to. I just think that's more of your guilt because you are moving on with someone else, and I'm not. I may be weak in other things in my life now, but I don't need a boyfriend that's for sure. How many times have we broken up and gotten back together? I don't know, I've lost count. Why do I still love you? Why do I still want to be with you? Why do I still feel a future for us? I really don't fucking know! All I know is, that we are drawn together, time after time. I'm not the only one that feels it, I know you do too. You say that you don't feel it, it's because you won't let yourself feel it. You hide behind your guilt and everything in the past. When you and I were good, we were really good. You just never gave us the opportunity to work on a relationship when you were trying (outside of jail)....I always got the "bad chad". The Chad that wasn't making the effort for us, the one that just gave into the past. Instead some other girl who doesn't have a history of bad with you gets the good chad.....taking the easy way out. How fair is that? That's not fair at all! How dare you give some other girl a chance with the changed you and not me? How dare you???? After everything I've gone through with you, everything that I put up with, and everything I've done you don't think that I deserve a chance with the good chad? the changed chad? why the fuck not? you've always been selfish.....you say that I am....well you're the one who's always walked away and gotten what you want...I was always sitting here with nothing that I wanted. I think if you get over the guilt of the past, and if you've really changed you'd give us a chance again someday. If you wanted me completely gone you would stop interacting with my family. Don't you see and look at the signs ever? You are still drawn to me....stop asking/wondering how I can still want you and just accept it...maybe if you accept it you can stop hiding and give us a try. We've both grown and changed as people, we both made mistakes in the past, we both contributed, and we both learned from them.....after all that being said....did you ever give us the chance after we learned? nope.....you gave someone else a chance. You know I was going to say I am OK with you being with someone else, but I'm not completely OK with it, however I get it. I see it as a stepping stone in your life. Stop hiding, give in for once. It's like God is sitting here giving you this magnificent car, just for you. It's the best car for you, brand new, drives awesome, etc but you keep it in the garage because you are too scared to crash it. Don't keep it in the garage forever, take it out for a test drive....it's been sitting there for 7 years.....you may crash it, or you may have the best race of your life. It's up to you. I don't expect you to come around tomorrow, or next week.....I hope one day that you do though....and no I am not waiting for you. If a nice guy came along and I was attracted to him and in a better place in my life, I'd go with him. Life is too short to sit around and wait, so I know that I can't, as much as it hurts, I just can't. But it can be said for the same as you, life is too short to live in the past, and hide behind your guilt. How many people could have been through the last 7 years with you and know about your past with your case and everything and still love you, and still want to be with you? I swear to god if you say some other girls name here I will find you and beat you...because they may accept your case and all that but they didn't do the last 7 yrs with you like I have. I always said your eyes give you away....they still do....hence the reason I can't look you in the eyes when you are here at my house. It would be so much easier if I could look at you and not see love in your eyes....but I still see it.....I know you too well. I hope that you took the time to read this, and actually contemplate things that I have said, and not just get angry or say that I am being selfish.....I am just trying to make you understand. I guess I love you too much to want to get to that point when you have decided that it's me and then I'm gone...I don't want you to have to feel that loss....I may not even be alive. I love you with all my heart, and I just want you to be happy.
</3 Blondi
I put all of my heart and soul into those words and that email, you'd think I'd at least get some kind of response to it...nope, not a word! There are two Sara Evans songs that I absolutely love, one is "A Little Bit Stronger" and the other "My Heart Can't Tell You No"....I'm posting a link to both songs below....if you haven't heard them, you need to! They describe how I am feeling.
So, my wish for 2012 is that everyone of my family and friends' wishes and dreams come true. I also hope that mine do as well. Here's to all of you, I love you and I am grateful to have all of you in my life. Have a happy new year!
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