I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded, that for me it isn't over

Didn't post a blog last night, needed some time to think about what I was going to say in my blog.  So Monday night Donna and I were sitting in the living room and watching TV.  My ex, Chad, had worked on Donna's van over the weekend and he did some extra work on it, so Donna wrote another check for him but he didn't take it.  Later on she insisted that he take it, and he texted her asking when he could pick it up.  She looked at me and said, "I'm going to ask him to come over now and hang out with us".  I was like WHAT? I said he'd never come over with me home.  He texts her back saying sure as long as it's okay with Krysta.  OMFG, I couldn't believe it!  Now my hearts beating super fast and I feel an axiety attack coming on.  I said, No I just can't do it.  Then she says a little while later that she made the executive decision, that he was on his way.  OMG, OMG! All these thoughts were running through my mind...I look like crap!  I'm wearing comfy clothes.  I have no make up on.  I didn't take a shower today, I just threw my hair up.  I can't do this! But, at the same time I was freaking out, I was happy and excited.  When he got here, I couldn't even look him in the eyes.  I was so nervous!  I didn't want to be overly friendly but not angry and mean either.  I'm disappointed in myself for not acting nonchalant and okay.  I guess all and all I was hoping he'd see my face and be reminded that for me it isn't over.  He left shortly after, leaving me wonder what he had been thinking.  He looked just as good as he always has.  Another thing I've been tossing back and forth is, is it easier to have him in my life as a friend? or is it easier not having him in my life at all, because I want to be more than just friends? Which way is less painful? I don't know this answer, I don't know if I'll ever find it either.  All I know is that it confirmed my feelings...I still miss him!  I was planning on writing more tonight, however I just got a disturbing and sad phone call about someone I know, so I am signing off early with a heavy heart tonight.
</3 Krysta