This morning was kind of a lazy morning....kind of one of my bad days. I have some good days and some bad, today was a bad day. It's weird not knowing how I will feel when I wake up...am I going to be in a good mood today? or will I be in a down kind of mood day? I slept in today, pretty late actually. I basically laid around all day doing little things here and there. Donna and I went to dinner because we were the only ones home. As usual, we got into heavy subject matter. We talked about how I got to be where I am today...and the ups and downs that I've been having lately. For awhile I couldn't pinpoint what was wrong with me, but tonight I think I made some progress with the help of Donna. A big part of it is Chad.....but it's not ALL of it! I slowly am added more to the list. A lot of it stems back to my parents. I had a rough road many years ago and I guess I never dealt with it all. I sort of just crammed it inside and put on my happy face. It was hard for me when Tom (papa) and my mom got divorced....my family fell apart. It was already hard enough not having a relationship with my biological father, but then my family broke up. I didn't feel important....my mom chose her addiction over me, papa started a new family, and my dad chose his selfishness. I thought back then that Tom didn't want me, but I later found out that he tried for me but my father wouldn't let him have me. I guess I have a lot of hurt, anger, bitterness, and resentment towards my father and I haven't talked about it with him. One day I think I will have to do that or I won't get past this hurdle. Then many years later Chad didn't chose me either, that hurt, a lot! Then papa started working two jobs, and I totally understand why he does that, but at times I feel like he chose work over me too. I guess I don't feel important, I feel like I don't have a purpose. I always knew what I wanted and where I wanted to go, but now I don't know anything. I don't like how I look, I don't like how I feel, I can't stand school, I still live at homw, I always worry about money, and all I want to do is curl up and sleep. Donna told me tonight that I need to face all this head on and get over the hump. However, I don't know how to do this. I also came to the conclusion that I am able to have a strong bond with Donna because she has put me first and made me feel important. I think that when one thing came crashing down in my life, all the other things came crashing down as well. By that time, I was too exhausted to put up the front any longer. I just don't know how to get past everything and be ok again.
I pray and give thanks to all my family and friends, that they are happy and healthy. I also pray that Chad is happy, and that maybe one day he will find his way back to me....if it's meant to be. I pray that my hopes, dreams, and wishes come true. I pray to be happy and feel normal again. Everyday I wake up and it's the same shit but different day, and my hopes, dreams, and wishes haven't come true. Yea, maybe the basic stuff like all my friends and family are doing well but what I pray for most is me and that doesn't ever work. Then I feel guilty thinking/wondering if there really is a God...is there? Surely if there was he wouldn't have given me a rough childhood, broken up my family, took the boy I loved away many times, and then brought him back, and took him away again. I just want God to give me a sign, do something, or grant one of my hopes, dreams, and wishes so that I can believe again. Well, I'm off to mull things over some more. Hope you all are well.
</3 Krysta
PS I don't want pity, that's not why I share all of this...it's more like a therapy for me, writing it all down, getting it off my chest...even if no one ever reads it.
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