Glimpse of Happiness

It's been a rough few days....had dinner with my mom on Tuesday and she told me all about this little dinner meeting with 2 of my aunts.  Apparently, they were concerned about my meds, my weight, and me being bitter, angry, and selfish.  That all of them agreed on this, that I have been a different person.  My mom even told me that when she saw me after I got back from my cruise that she cried because of my weight.  Is that something you should be saying to your daughter when she already knows, and has many other issues to contend with.  Sorry that I was depressed and gained some weight, that's not the worst thing, I could have turned to other outlets but I didn't.  That really hurt my feelings, makes me think that my mom can't accept me for who I am....fat, skinny, ugly, short, tall...etc.  As a mother it's your duty to love unconditionally.  It was very adamantly put that this dinner was only because they love me and were concerned about me.  Well, if someone has a concern about me then you should come to me about it, instead of going behind my back and discussing it with others.  The funny thing is, they met weeks ago, and have seen each of them multiple times and not one of them said a word about it, so all those times/days I spent with you, were those fake?  I have every right to feel upset, angry, and hurt.  Another issue, as always, is Donna.  I'm not trying to sound like a bitch, but I have done what everyone else in my life wanted or expected me to do for so long.....now it's my time to be happy, and to do things for me.  One thing that makes me very happy is my relationship with Donna, nothing is going to change that....and if you try to change that or go against the grain, you'll only push me away further.  I have many relationships with women in my life.  None of which are the same. I think it's pretty selfish of someone to ask me to change my relationship with Donna. Back in February was my moms birthday, and I recall saying something about how this birthday of hers was significant for me because I actually put effort into it, and felt like we were in a really good place.  I thought she was trying really hard at our relationship, and that she was understanding of Donna and my relationship, which made me very happy.  Today I can tell you that I don't feel that way after all of this.  She feels like Donna puts a wedge between her and my relationship....regardless of Donna, it would still be the same.  My mom and I are very different people...we have different likes, dislikes, and ways of living.  We're very different people.  My sister Malissa is more like my mom....and that's OK with me.  I can accept that they have a stronger relationship and bond than I do with her....why can't she accept mine with Donna? I am not trying to be selfish, just trying to be understood and accepted.
On another note, after some rough stuff last night my bff Chad came over to watch a movie with me, and that made me very happy.  He's a wonderful cuddler, and being around him shows me that glimpse of happiness that is ahead for me, well I hope.  Thought about it all day today, couldn't get it off my mind, even if I tried.  :)

Been too long!

I haven't written in almost a week, so I'll catch you all up to my boring life.  Wednesday last week I got some random stomach flu.  I like never throw up and I did lots that day.  However, Brandon came and watched a movie with me, and kept my sick self company.  Thanks again B!  Thursday I worked 10-6, and I can't recall anything remarkable happening.  Friday I worked 8-4, had dinner with my mom, did my laundry and met my aunt at the gym.  Saturday, I had lunch and coffee with my auntie Mary.  Then I spent the night at home.  Sunday, woke up to a weird situation...our living room recliner was moved way forward towards the coffee table and love seat.  Now Sadie uses the chair normally to launch herself into the bay window....when moving the chair forward Sadie can't get into the window to bark.  Weird thing is...I didn't move the chair, Malissa didn't move the chair, Donna didn't move the chair, Jeff wasn't home to move the chair, and neither did Papa.  Hmmm very odd right?  Then Donna and I ran some errands...we had to find a new belt for Papa.   Of course we couldn't go the mall and just get a belt for Papa.  We stopped at AE, and I got some new panties for 2.99 on clearance, yay me...oh and I new belt for me too!  I also got a pretzel, some buddy squirrel carmel/cheese popcorn and some fairy food.  I stayed up a little late last night but didn't sleep well because Ollie was waking me up since like 4am....I was gonna beat him!  Then when I wake up in the morning I like to stay in my routine....I hate when people call me before 7:35.....so if you do that, please don't...and also I hate with a passion voice mails.  Cell phones have this thing where it tells you have missed calls.  And no I am not singling out one person because many people do this so this is not directed towards anyone.  I also finished the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy!  It was sooooo good!  If you haven't read them, read them!  I worked 8-6 today...thought we'd be really slow but we ended up busy throughout the whole day.  As, for the boy department....I really don't know.  I'm leaving the ball in his court, it's been in my court too long.

Pampering

Today I worked 8-1, but didn't leave work until almost 1:30....we have been so busy with all the Easter boarding dogs.  Most of them don't go home until 4/14 or 4/16....sigh.  I came home to change and then went to the chiropractor...who is an amazing woman.  She makes my neck and back feel so much better....almost as good as a massage!  Afterwards, I was thinking that it felt so good that I wanted more pampering, so I went and got my nails filled and got a pedicure. 
On another note, I have been doing lots and lots of thinking....I've been single for awhile, just haven't found the right guy I guess.  I knit pick everything about them, but a lot of stuff are major things that I really want/need.  First of all, I love my cats, if you don't like cats.....it just ain't gonna work.  They were there before you, they'll be there after you.  Basically, you have to accept me for me...I'm not changing for anyone.  So any date I go on, I didn't really realize, but I compare all of them to my best guy friend.  So I was talking to Donna about it, and she says Krysta, you like him, it's perfect...you should try things with him.  I have thought about this for awhile but our timing was just always off, and I never wanted to cross that friendship line, and if something went bad, I'd lose him.  Donna said, if you guys have a great friendship then it'll always stay that way regardless of what happens.  So, I'm going to tip toe into all of this, and see how it goes.  Kind of nervous for the transition but we'll see I guess.  I guess I feel like he's had this idea of me, like not necessarily on a pedestal but similar and I'm not going to live up or match up to that and he'll be disappointed. 

Happy Easter

I worked 8-1 today, groomed Brody, came home and was changing my bedding (my back was feeling so good today!) and then my back went out again, really bad again.  So, basically I overdid it!  It was getting better but me being impatient decided to accomplish all this and I went back to the beginning :(
I am going to try and go to the gym tomorrow after work and just do half the amount of time I used to.  The worst that could happen is it hurts again, right? But the good news is I've lost 7lbs already...by just going off one of my medications and eating smaller portions, oh and less snacking, AWESOME!  So, I am motivated to get back to the gym and lose more weight.  Donna made an awesome dinner tonight!  Ham, mashed potatoes, stuffing, biscuits, corn, and my favorite ham gravy!  Afterwards we all seemed sleepy it seemed.  I layed in bed with Donna and read on my Nook while Malissa and Papa went to Aunt Judy's, and Jordan was fishing with Jeff and Juju.  I work tomorrow 8-6, not looking forward to that because we have so many dogs!  Sometimes I hate holidays!  Did you all see the pic on Facebook of my Ollie boy? He sleeps in the bathroom sink now...weirdest cat I know!  Now I'm off to give Bailey his meds, give Ollie his special food, and try to finish the 3rd Hunger Games book on my Nook, then to start Fifty Shades of Gray....I've been hearing it's awesome, sexy, and naughty....can't wait for all that!

New Life

I went out last night with my aunt, her boyfriend, and his son.  We went and saw a movie and then to a bar that had a live band karaoke.  Afterwards, I went back to her house and we ordered Toppers and we had the BEST delivery man ever!  My bff Chad!  I went to bed super late and woke up a few hours later, I'm very tired today, my back is killing me, and I'm very irritable.  I'm sick of people in general.  I was supposed to go to a surprise party for someone tonight with my mom and I just don't feel like going out.  When my sister came home I was vacuuming out my car, so now she got mad because I wasn't going because my back hurt but I could vacuum out my car.  Two things, I took breaks during vacuuming out my car and I just plain didn't want to go...not because it was with my mom...I just didn't feel like going today!  Don't all of you have days like that? I literally stayed in my pajamas ALL day.  This is the very first day in a long time that I just relaxed at home.  Also, if I say something in my blog and you disagree with it, offended by it, or don't understand it...ask me about it first before you start assuming things.  Sometimes I get off on a tangent or rant about something and it may come out different than what it was in my head.  I don't want people getting the wrong idea. So, please just ask....whether you comment on my post or if you sent me a private message. 
On another note, I don't know what happened in my thinking in the last few days but I am moving on...it's his loss and his regrets that he'll have.  But I have two song/lyrics that I will end with about Chad, my ex. 
I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big


And lastly,

"Goodbye To You"

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

[Chorus:]
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

[Chorus]

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

[Chorus x2]

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

 

 

Now, it's time to live my life....do what I want, when I want!  I want to be me....and if you don't like it...too bad!  This is me: I LOVE my cats, I love my family (Tom, Donna, Malissa, Jordan, Mom, etc), I love to read, I like to relax at home, I like to work out at the gym, I want to lose weight, I don't like to go out drinking all the time, I want to finish school but I don't like it, I'm a little lost, I'm a little confused, I have blondeOCD but not extreme but enough to make people nuts sometimes, I like my time/talks/vents with Momma Donna, I look for approval from Papa because he taught me to be the best person I can be, I LOVE Starbucks, I'm addicted to my Nook, I love counrty music, at this time I live paycheck to paycheck and it sucks....so this is me....if you can't accept me at my worst you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. 

Back Pain

So I slept for crap last night :( I tossed and turned and my back was stiff and hurting all night!  I could barely get out of bed this morning.  Good thing before work I had a chiropractor appointment.  She did some amazing things with my neck, spine, and back.  I was feeling a little better after that.  However, at work I over did it again and my back hurt even worse.  Work was crazy today! After work I went to dinner with my mom and grandpa.  He's going to help me tomorrow try to refinance my truck so I can get a lower payment...wish me luck!  Tonight bubby Josh helped me take books to half price books because I can't lift anything over 10lbs.  Only working 10-3 tomorrow..yay!  Short blog tonight, want to keep reading the last book of the Hunger Games. Nighty Night!

Response and Updates

When someone comments on a blog post of mine, especially one that is long and they have put thought and detail in it, I like to make a comment back to them.  Lori, Donna's sister commented on my last post....I think she is a wonderful person and I hope she doesn't mind that I call her aunt Lori.  She always has insight to many things and I wish she lived in Wisconsin because I miss her!  Anyways....I am very happy that I got all of that off my chest as well.  You are very right in saying, now where to move on from there.  This has been hard for me lately because I don't know...I'm so lost, I don't know what direction to go in, or what path to take.  Working through all of this on my blog is what I am trying to do.  I don't know if it's helping or not.  You are very right that I got through my childhood and having Papa and Donna in my life was the best gift that God gave me.  Lori, I have to tell you, up until recently I was having doubts in God, and that he even existed.  I read, "Heaven is for Real" and "The Shack" and that gave me some true insight and I don't have as many doubts.  You are VERY right when you say I've thrown in the towel and I'm tired.  I'm so very tired of life, I wish I could just fall asleep for a few years.  I am so tired of the day to day life, and all the stress.  Thank you for telling me that you are proud of me, it means a lot especially from coming from someone who is technically not my family.  I truly appreciate you noticing.  Maybe that's what I need more of....I feel like people take me for granted a lot, and I don't feel special.  You didn't say anything out of line....it was a very nice comment and reading it again now, brings me to tears...happy tears not sad ones.  I love you too, auntie Lori.  Thank you again for your comments, I truly appreciate any feedback, good and bad, I need to hear it all. 
On another note, I went to the chiropractor again yesterday and she went through my x-rays with me and explained why my back is in so much pain and also my history of headaches.  I absolutely love the chiropractor....it's funny she was the first on the list and I told myself that I'd go with the person who could get me in soonest.  My headaches have been under control as of lately..who knew I could live a almost headache free life? Getting insurance through work was the best thing I ever did.  So Monday I saw my psychiatrist, Tuesday the chiropractor, today dropped off something for my general doctor, and tomorrow I go to the chiropractor again.  My back is still in pain just not as bad.  Jordan made me feel really good yesterday...she asked me when we were going to have a night to watch movies down in my room and cuddle in bed.  That probably made my day!  I just love that little girl so much....she is so very intuitive for her age.