Getting Past your Breakup

So I don't know if you guys remember or not but I've been reading this book called, "getting past your breakup" by Susan J. Elliott.  I randomly found it while looking in the self help section.  I picked it up read a little bit of it and decided to give it a try.  Not too long ago I posted my work that I did in the first part of the book.  I took quite a long break from the book after I did all that work.  The last few days I have been working pretty hard on the book and doing the inventories.  The book makes a big point in sharing what you have written because then it's real, in words for others to see, not just for my eyes.  I like this, but I don't at the same time, it makes me feel very vulnerable, very open for people to criticize and say mean things.  However, I am going to bite the bullet as they say and still share it.  I will take any constructive criticism (mind you, I said constructive). 

1.  Positives and Negatives of my ex partner.

Positive

• He's easy to like
• He's cute
• He's outgoing
• He's Mr. Fix it
• He knew how to work on cars
• He got along with my family
• He was good in bed (sorry if family has to read this one)
• He pushed me to do more
• He supported me

Negative

• Cheating
• Lying
• Let his friends thoughts get in the way
• Never wanted to spend time with me
• We had different interests

2. Don't really have anything useful to share with you all just a quick reflection on those positives and negatives above.

3.  Positive and Negative qualities of my mother (Now mom, when you read this you are NOT to take offense and just understand where I am coming from, I'm sure you have a list in your head about the positive and negatives about me).

Positive

• Brought Papa into my life
• Gave me a sister
• After many bad years as a mother, she is trying pretty hard now
• Pushes me to be a better person
• Pays her bills
• Started saving
• Loves her pets
• Puts up with a lot of shit with her current husband
• Tries to keep family ties (i.e. grandma)
• Talking with my aunt (her sister) again
• Sees her dad every week
• Trying to stay up to date on my life

Negative

• Used drugs
• Chose drugs over me
• Had a hand in breaking up our family
• Expects too much of me at times
• She wants me to be skinnier
• Marries assholes
• Seems to favor Malissa
• Can't see the bad in her mother
• Smokes
• Crazy driver
• A lot of times she seems very opinionated
• Mood swings
• Yells and then hangs up on you
• Doesn't always think rationally
• Immature at times
• Thinks bad of Donna

I was supposed to look at these qualities of my mother and see how they relate to my ex.  Some of the positive things that relate to my ex are: pushes me to be a better person, tries to keep family ties.  Some of the negative things that relate to my ex are: uses/used drugs, chose drugs over me, wants me to be skinnier, smokes, crazy driver, a lot of times is opinionated, mood swings, doesn't always think rationally, and immature at times. 

4.  Positive and Negative qualities of my father.

Positive

• Works on cars
• Mr. Fix it
• Decent looking (for a dad anyway)
• Knowledge of random things

Negative

• Lies
• Cheats
• Steals
• Poor father
• Credit card fraud
• Jealous of Tom
• Selfish
• Can't keep a job
• Uses people
• Non pet lover
• Manipulative
• Always has an agenda
• Doesn't realize how much he hurts people
• Used/uses drugs
• Smokes
• Doesn't pay bills
• Takes advantage /money from my grandma
• Owes everyone money
• Never calls me
• Only calls me when he needs something

Some positive qualities that relate to my ex are: works on cars, Mr. fix it, decent looking, and has knowledge of random things.  Some negative qualities that relate to my ex are: lies, cheats, steals, selfish, uses people, manipulative, doesn't realize how much he hurts people, uses/used drugs, smokes, not very good with keeping track of money, never calls/never called me, and it's all on his terms.

5.  Positives and Negatives of another person (Papa aka Tom)

Positive

• Took me in as his own
• Raised me
• Taught me to be the person I should be
• Helped me with school/academics
• Provides all we have

Negative

• Never home
• Always working
• Moody
• Seems like he hates to be home
• Always seems angry
• Not sure if he cares about all of our day to day stuff

My ex doesn't seem to have any or just one trait that matches up with Papa, that would be moody.  He doesn't match up with any positive qualities.

Negative Traits of People I am Drawn to

• Cheating
• Lying
• Let others thoughts get in the way
• Never wants to spend time with me
• Different interests
• Reckless
• Relation to drugs
• Expects too much from me
• Wants me to be skinnier
• Smokes
• Opinionated
• Mood swings
• Doesn't always think rationally
• Immature at times
• Steals
• Selfish
• Uses people
• Manipulative

Struggle I am Trying to Win

• Critical=want everyone to like me
• Home body=not always home, just have different interests
• Going back to school=want to do what everyone else wants of me
• Loose weight=between my meds and working out it's just not happening
• Emotions=want my moods to be stable
• Getting over Chad=accepting the loss (far from this one)
• Papa=accepting he's not the same Papa that I always knew, accepting the distant/crabby Papa, who'd rather be somewhere else than at home with us

Parent Inventory

• I didn't want my dad to be a drug addict
• I didn't want my dad to date a crazy ass woman, who was also a drug addict
• I wanted my dad to be a "normal" dad, but he never was
• I wanted my dad to actually be a dad
• I wanted my dad to not be selfish, and chose what's best for me
• I wanted him to not be a liar, bull shitter, and manipulative
• I've always been disappointed with just about everything he's ever done
• It's embarrassing the way he is
• I guess I want my dad to apologize for all the bad he did, all the mistakes he's made, and that he made poor decisions regarding me.
• As of now, I am unsure if I actually love him...I don't know if it's because he's my dad and I'm supposed to love him or not
• Maybe when I was younger I liked to cuddle with him but as I grew up, I got to learn the type of person he really was, so I didn't want to cuddle or be held by him.  He didn't comfort me, I didn't feel safe with him
• I didn't join barely any activities in school because I was embarrassed of him.  I needed a dad, a real dad, a normal dad.  A dad who put his kids first.
• He used drugs, I'm totally against that!
• He was selfish/is selfish
• He always used me for money
• He always used me for babysitting
• He opened 2 credit cards in my name
• I was a goody, goody and he wasn't
• I was/am school smart, he isn't
• I gave him hard times about babysitting, but I tried to not complain but he still was mad
• When I started seeing Chad, and I'd have him over, I'd close my bedroom door and he was not pleased
• When I had sex for the first time he was not pleased
• I loved Papa more and he most definitely hated that
• I failed him because I wanted to be a part of Papa's family and not his
• Papa bought me a car
• I moved out
• I still locked my door
• I kept having sex with Chad
• I went wherever I wanted, when I wanted
• Him and I could relate to some TV shows
• I helped him cook
• He let me have my cats

I can't think of any times that our relationship worked well and no good times or especially nice that specifically stand out in my mind.
*****There's some more information that was in the middle of this and the letter but a lot of it isn't pertinent.  So below is the letter that I wrote my dad, but not sending to him...just letting it all out for once!
Dear Dad, I've been thinking about this for a VERY long time.  I was hesitant and unsure of how to say these things and that you would actually listen to the words I'm saying or focus on "poor" you.  Parents are supposed to put their children first!  Did you put me first? Or any of your other children?  No you didn't!  It was always about what could benefit you and what you got out of it.  When I was younger and lived with my mom and Tom you'd say you were coming to get me, I'd get all ready (as a little girl) and wait and look out the window for you.  A lot of times you didn't come.  So to take my disappointment away, Tom would cheer me up and spend time with me.  Can you see why I'm closer to Tom?  Then years later my mother and Tom got divorced and my mom went to jail.  I didn't know this until I was 18, but Tom spent so much money on a lawyer to get custody of me, but you wanted me instead, because you wanted to be the "hero".  When in all reality that was very selfish thing you did.  If Tom legally adopted me I would have had a great life.  I would have had medical and dental insurance.  I could have gotten braces, I could have a beautiful smile, but NO you let your selfish pride get in the way...you wanted recognition for doing something "good".  Then you make me live with you and that crazy woman!  I was taken from my mom because of her drug usage, but you and your crazy girlfriend were just as bad with drugs as my mom was.  How could you do that to me?  You're supposed to put your children first!  What you did was so selfish!  Then while I was with you, you're crazy girlfriend hated me and treated me like shit.  Then both of you constantly stole or "borrowed" money from me or the other kids to buy drugs, cigarettes, or alcohol.  During those years there was so much bad that happened that this letter could go on for days.  Another big incident was when I found out you opened 2 credit cards in my name when I was 16!  What kind of father does that? When confronted you barely seemed sorry.  Then I had the option of signing documentation saying that you did that and then most likely you would have gone to jail because you were on probation and have a history of similar things.  I didn't sign that paperwork because of Liz, Jill, and Nate.  I thought if you weren't there what would happen to them?  So my decision was for them, not you.  Then when I decided to move in with my mom or Tom and Donna you got pissed.  Again, putting yourself first and not me!  In present day, you only call me when you need something, you may start out saying Hi to me, but then go into what you wanted.  I think it's been since October since I last talked to you and it's now April.  Do you remember what March 23rd is?  Probably not because you weren't there when I was born!  I got a voicemail 2 days after my birthday from you saying you were sorry, that you were busy on my birthday and didn't get a chance to call.  Seriously?  Papa works TWO jobs and still had time to wish me a happy birthday!  All or lots of my childhood memories don't involve you, they involve Papa.  Papa took care of me when I had the chicken pox.  He put socks on my hands so I wouldn't itch, also lotion.  He taught me how to roller blade.  He taught me how to ride a two wheeler.  He played basketball with me.  He took me in as his own daughter when I have no blood relation to him.  What kind of man does that?  Definitely, not a man like you.  I feel safe with him, I trust him with my money, and my life.  He makes his decisions on what's best for his children.  Maybe you can take a point or two from him.  He works TWO jobs to take care of his family.  Everything he does is for us.  He also doesn't lie, steal, or manipulate situations to benefit him.  I want you to feel the pain I feel when I think of you.  I want you to know how this has felt all my life.  To top it all, you criticize or dislike my relationship with Papa because you're jealous.  Time to face the facts, wake up and smell the coffee...you'll never be like him, you'll never even be in the same category as him.  Just accept that I love him more!  Every decision you make in life has a domino effect....now you have to face your regrets.
Krysta

I can't forgive you at this point, especially because you don't see anything wrong.

Well everyone, I know this was a long ass blog post but I worked really hard on all of this and I would love your opinions or thoughts about it.