68 Days

I have so much on my mind and I just can't wait to get away and soak up the sun on our family cruise. I really do need this vacation and I couldn't ask for better people to spend it with. I guess you can only push so much to the back of your mind before it starts to seep into the front of it again. Work drives me nuts, I miss my kitties, I miss my friend Chad, I'm sick of my weight, I want to go back and finish school but I don't have the money to go back, and apparently I set my standards too high. All of that and then some has been on my mind. I like my job but most days I just get sick of it early on. I want to go back and finish the little bit of school I have left but with no money that's kind of hard. I did however take my SAC-IT test and pass it, so that's something good. Maybe I can go back into it part time again. Time is going by so fast, it seems like just yesterday the fire happened and Ollie and Libby Lue were gone. Little things remind me of them and it creeps up on me and reminds me how much I miss them. Asher is a great boy though, he definitely brought me up from my low point. I don't think that anyone else really knew how much they meant to me until they saw me cry thirty times a day. I'm still trying to decide if trying to be more than friends with Chad was a good idea or not. If I hadn't than I would always wonder what if, but on the other hand now it seems that I've lost him for good. Not having one of my best friends really sucks! Someone told me recently that I set my standards too high in what I want from a boyfriend. At first, I was like oh my gosh maybe I do. After awhile I thought, wait a second, no I don't set my standards too high, and I'm not lowering them. If I lower them than I might not be completely happy, which is not fair to me or anyone else. Well there it is, it's all out now back to the upcoming cruise. I am so excited to go and I think I'm going to do some excursions this time around. This cruise line and boat is supposed to be way better than the last one I was on. I've been looking at excursions and I really think I want to swim with the dolphins, I've always wanted to do that! I'm also contemplating parasailing. I'm super scared of heights but really considering doing it, and maybe I'll get over my fears. I started to write this last night but I'm pretty sure my sleeping pill kicked in and everything was blurry and moving lol! Of course the one night I get the urge to write out a blog post my sleeping pill decides to actually work and work fast to boot. Today was a long day at work and I've had a headache so I'm going to get off the computer and watch some netflix and lay down. Oh I also have a little side note for anyone that is interested. I've talked about my pet communicator that I use in past blog posts and if you've read the stories I've told about how much she has helped me through this last 8 months or so. I got an email from her a few days ago with an amazing story of how her and her dog Java survived carbon monoxide poisoning for quite some in her house. Java is slowly making her way to recovery however she has lost 25% of her body weight. She currently has over $3500 in vet bills for Java and her new furnace (her old furnace caused this whole mess) cost $5500 which she is paying a portion of it with her retirement money. She's never asked for direct financial support but she is asking now. She's offering 10 minute free session for any of her services with each $10 donated to her and Java. I'm not insisting anyone donate money, I just thought if anyone likes to donate or finds it in there heart to help her out it would be pretty awesome. She means a lot to me so maybe she could mean something to you. She has a website: www.dancingporcupine.com. That will list and explain everything that she does and is about. I'm not sure if she posted on her website about the carbon monoxide poisoning or if she just sent it to just the people on her emailing list. If it isn't there and you'd like to read the full story let me know and I can send the email to you. Again she offers many, many services so don't hesitate to look! She can definitely change your world!

Passed my SAC-IT

So today was a day of ups and downs. I woke up tired, was at work for a short time when I got bit by a dog :( Damn did that hurt! I thought when my finger finally was out of it's mouth that the tip of it would be gone. It wasn't gone....just a little bleeding and throbbing. Went to urgent care, got bandaged, and then he told me to go home and not back to work. Then I spent the next few hours stapling fliers for Donna. Brought coffee and dinner to Donna, then to my aunts to watch American Idol and catch up. Oh and the brakes on my car are sooooooo bad, sounds like I'm landing an airplane. Thanks to my wonderful cousin Jeremy, they will be fixed Saturday! I came home tonight, my head hurting with a headache and I decided that I needed to just take my SAC-IT test and just get it over with, stop fearing failure. So I did it, and I passed! Now I can look into getting back into a counseling job. 80 days until our family cruise....things may be looking up :)

Fantasy World

Well, hello there.....I've been off the grid for awhile. I seem to go in spurts of my ups and downs. So what's been going on? Well I'm still working at the animal hospital.....drives me crazy most days. We took Bailey to have his surgery about a week ago, and he seems to be recovery ok. Asher is being the same old Asher which I'm sure is getting into trouble. I find that my best thoughts and the most often I get thoughts are when I am on ambien. I have trouble sleeping take one of thos suckers and I get all emotional and everything rushes forward to my mind. So if parts don't make sense, I did forwarn you. But don't be afraid to ask questions! Lately, I feel stressed.....about everything 1) My weight....I want to lose weight, but I don't want to have to change what I eat, and it pisses me off! 2) working out....I flippin hate it....only reason I do it is to try with helping to lose weight however when I do get into a place with it, it's ok, but then makes me feel guilty that I'm not working hard enough 3) I don't want to go on our family cruise looking like complete garbage, apparently I've already gone on one cruise that I looked like complete garbage on the whole time! 4) I want the people that I'm going to go on this cruise with actually want to go, and go with me. Donna seems happy, Jordan seems happy, Josh seems happy, I can't really tell if Malisssa is happy or not for it and papa he makes comments like why be so excited were just going with the people we live with and see everyday? Well that makes me feel so wanted to go. NOT! 5) My brakes need to be done in my car which is a shit ton of money that I don't have...unresolved issue as of yet 6) I have to go to the dentist for a few things and thats another 65 dollars....unresolved there too! 7) Have to pay work this week too 60 dollars 8)watching all my tv shows and netflix gets me wrapped in a fictional world, lets me believe things can actually happen 9) I've been reading books lately, really good books, but they're about falling in love and having a great relationship and all that good stuff.....nice to bury my head into....but then where does my head go when I finish the book? It stays with me and makes me dream things I shouldn't/can't be dreaming because it's NEVER going to happen to me. All those books through relationships, time, energy, man falling for you for who you really are, falling for you even if you're not the ideal weight.......all that stuff I am never going to find. I'm never going to find that guy! A guy so simple yet he excepts me for who I am and fall madly in love with me. 10) I want to go back to school to finish my classes at alverno, but not sure when because of money and if its even still interesting to me 11) my car payments suck ass too! 12) my friend Sherry came over and she did highlights in my hair on Saturday. I don't know what else to say......listening to me sometimes sounds like a record player. I've already had enough of the there's more fish in the sea, you'll meet the right one, etc but I hate it....I want them to come to me, chase me down, persue me....like me (all of me) know what I mean? Any idea where I could find that person? lol I thought I had one but I guess the element of surprise turned in the wrong direction for me. He was gone before I could even think long term......sad because who knows where that could have went.....right Chad Taplin? I better sign off now before I say anymore confusing things.

Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013

When I look back on 2012, the first word that comes to mind is 'loss'. When beginning 2012, I never thought it could be worse than 2011...well, I was wrong! In 2012 I lost Donna's mom, and I had just begun a relationship with her. I wish I could have had longer to get to know her more, she was a wonderful woman. Then shortly after we had the house fire. We lost the house, our belongings, Abby, Libby Lue, and Ollie. I felt like I lost my sanity, my beliefs in God, and my will to move forward. We lived in a hotel for three months, which wore off the novelty of staying in a hotel for me ever again...or at least for a long time. The first few weeks it was nice having a pool for the summer but that definitely wore off. Then right before moving back into the house, Donna's dad passed away. How much more loss could we handle? It was a wonderful day moving back in but it took a long while to settle back in. We lost a lot of my favorite animals at work this year as well. Now, don't get me wrong there were good things in 2012 as well. My first cruise was in 2012....it seems like a life time ago though. We got a brand new house, with brand new things. I also got Asher. Asher has made my life so much better. He helped bring me "back". I'm in a better place than I was 4-5 months ago. One of my coworkers and good friend Brandy got married to the love of her life Kari in October. That was probably by far the best wedding I have ever been to. It was amazing and wonderful, and they did a great job at planning the whole thing. I sit in my "new" room now and stare at the collages of pictures on my walls of all the people/things I love...and I think how much I miss my Libby Lue and Ollie. What I wouldn't give to just hold them, love them, hug them, kiss them and tell them how much I loved them and all the things they did for/with me. It's hard to let them go because I never pictured my life without them, especially Libby Lue. I wish I would walk in my room one day and there she is laying on my bed waiting for me to come home from work. So with all of that said, goodbye 2012 take with you all the loss and heartache, and welcome 2013, with hopes and dreams to come. For 2013 I hope, dream, wish that I have no more loss and that this year brings happiness and direction to me. I hope to find the will to lose weight. Also, looking forward to our first family cruise and our first family vacation in many years. 102 days until we fly off to Florida and soak up the hot sun! I also wish for no loss this year, and only gain (except weight that is). I hope for good health for my family and all of our pets. I look forward to spending the year with you all!

Do you know me?

I haven't blogged in awhile but Aunt Lori said that I should keep at it and that she enjoys reading my blog. To catch all of you up on the basics on my life. It has consisted of work, work, Thanksgiving, and then more work. I don't remember if I mentioned in past blogs about the guy who just randomly disappeared at the time of the fire. I didn't know what went wrong, and I still don't. I do know that him and I have been friends for years and it took me awhile to move past that friend line. Now that I did, I don't know if I can ever go back. I want him in my life, and I miss him. I wonder what could have been and what should have been. He was the one saying not to worry because we would make it. Then he turns aroung and is the one to leave. An excuse that I wouldn't like his friends. Really? If I like him then I'd accept his friends because I care for him. I am hoping that he will come around and change his mind and come back into my life. I know mnay of you will say too bad and move on. But I believe that he truly is a good guy and I can't give up on him. I hurt my back again walking an unruly newfoundland. My back hurts so bad and the urgent care doctor just prescribed me an anti-inflammatory, which I am already on one. It doesn't seem to be helping. I've had a lot going on in my head and some that I just can't talk about. So in order to get those thoughts out of my head I need things to distract my mind from them because if I don't then I will go crazy. So I read, watch Netflix, spend some time with Donna (to free some of my thoughts in my head), and hanging out with my bff Anna. I have a lot of fun with her. About a month ago we went out and I had a blast (which I hadn't in a long time). I got completely drunk, sang, danced, and made out with a guy in the middle of the bar and all the way home. It was very liberating! There are mnay other things that I have on my mind but some don't see this so they just assume. So it brings to me the question, Do you really know me? (This all came to mind when most everyone turned there backs on me because they didn't understand my way of grieving). If you really know me you'll have answers to the following quesitons, I'd love to hear them. You don't have to comment right on my blog, you can send me a private message on facebook or you can email me at mlinarkl@yahoo.com. 1. What parts of my past do I look back on the most? 2. What is going on in my head 24/7? 3. What are my hurts? 4. What are my dreams? 5. What are my fears? 6. What are my likes? 7. What are my dislikes? 8. What do I love? 9. What is my style? 10. What are my goals? 11. What makes me sad? 12. What makes me happy? 13. What I don't like to talk about? 14. What do I like to talk about? 15. Who do I trust? 16. Who don't I trust? 17. What are my favorite hair products/make up/shampoo/conditioner? 18. What I miss? 19. What I don't miss? 20. What my favorite color is? 21. What is my eye color? 22. What is something you can admire me for? I guess I just want to know who knows me and those that just make assumptions. I do really want to hear responses to these questions. If you don't know them, give honest answers, even if they are just assumptions that you have made.

Anna, Drinks, Dancing, Kissing, More Kissing, and Sage

My title sounds pretty interesting doesn't it? Make you wonder what it all means. I haven't written a blog in quite awhile and I feel the need to do that now. I've been working like crazy! Since my last blog I've tried to stay true to what I wanted. I have completely patched things with Anna, and we have been having Wednesday night as our night. We have dinner and watch a movie or something else that we can think of. A few weekends ago Anna took me out and showed me a good time. LOL We went to a small bar downtown, then to comedy cafe, then to Mad dogs. Boy did I drink a lot! I was dancing (and I like never dance), singing, and oddly enough making out with a guy in the middle of the bar for everyone to see. I have to say it was very nice. It was just what I needed! The next day I was supposed to go to this big cat santuary, but I was not feeling so hot. I spent the day throwing up and sleeping. Not fun, but totally worth it for the night I had. If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. For 2 Sundays Donna and I worked in the basement. We got through all the boxes and ur basement finally looks like a basement. Papa and Donna put their desks up and everything looks so nice. I've had a good few Wednesdays with Anna, I missed her! I really look forward to our Wednesday nights together. I'm loving my girl time! Awhile ago I had a friend put some low lights and highlights and darken my hair a little. Well it turned out ok but I felt like there was red in it, so I tried dying over it but it didn't quite work. So since it didn't work, I ended up stripping my hair, and dying over it with a dark blonde. The dark blonde ended up a brown color, with some blonde/brassy colors in it too. So sometime soon I will be dying it again, a lighter color and hopefully it will start going back to my original hair color. I shouldn't have ever changed it. I loved my blonde. Everyone has asked about the boy from the bar, no I haven't seen him/talked to him/texted him...and no I don't care. I had a good time in the moment and that's all that matters. I want more than just a one night thing. I think I deserve a real guy who wants more like I do. But I have to ask, when is that boy coming? It'd be nice if it happened soon. I've had such a bad string of boys that I need to get back on the horse, but with a good guy. Agree? So anyone out there, want a date? ;) I haven't done much special in the last couple weeks. I think I've worked, had some time with Anna on Wednesdays and Saturday. I'm officially addicted to netflix! I've finished Grey's Anatomy and caught up to the live episodes. I've also finished Private Practice and I'm now caught up with the live episodes. I also finished Sons of Anarchy....LOVE IT! I am caught up and watching live episodes. Now I started Gossip Girls on Netflix. I've been pretty angry these last few weeks. Angry with many things that I can't really talk about, but angry is what I've been feeling! I feel like I'm made out to be the bad daughter, granddaughter, and sister. I feel like I have more people against me than I do for me. I've been thinking about Ollie and Libby Lue a lot lately. I keep thinking back on Libby that I never pictured my life without her, and then she was gone. Today I worked for a bit and then I had a session with Sage (the pet communicator). I learned today that Libby Lue is ok and has settled in the after life, she is open to the idea of coming back to me. I just have to ask her to come back....maybe a year from now or many years from now. I have to just ask her to wait for me and then when the time is right I just have to ask her and she will come to me. She knows that I talk to her everyday and cry at times. She understands that it is what I need to do to get through my grief. She feels like she didn't get to finish her "contract" with me. Ollie is not reincarnated, he is basically like a gait keeper. He imports/exports souls/spirits helps them to go through the after life and then to get out into their new lives. He is very grounded. Asher loves being with me, he lays on my chest to help ground me. He loves spending time with me. I worried that he would be upset that I talk to him about Ollie or that I compare the 2. Asher said he didn't care either way, that if I wanted/needed to talk that it's fine with him. Ollie on the other hand jumped right in and said no! He doesn't want me to talk about him to Asher. I asked why he changed his mind, and didn't come back to me and instead sent Asher. He said that he loves his job now, and doesn't want to leave it. I asked Asher if he was in any pain, (I didn't tell Sage that he had been neutered and declawed) and Sage picked up on his paws, that he was aware of them but wasn't in pain. Lastly I said thank you for talking with me, Ollie said yea sure no problem. Libby Lue said thank you and she admired that I would still check in on them. Sage said it takes a lot of courage to go back and see how your pets are doing in the after life. She said many people just forget about their pets after they pass. I came home after picking up my lunch, watched some netflix, and then took the longest nap ever with Asher....he stayed the whole time! Lastly, I have a doctor appointment Wednesday to get my iud removed and recheck my headaches. After making my appointment Donna told me that her friend said that the iud has been in law suits as of late because they've caused mental health issues. Hearing that makes me wonder, hmmm could this be anything relating to me? So out it goes! Hopefully it doesn't hurt coming out like it did going in. I'm also looking for a part time job so that I can have some extra money because I can really use it! Love you all, Krysta PS we need to find me a boy, I need some good times and some TLC ;)

I am Me

I've been thinking a lot lately, and I haven't written a blog in awhile so I figured that this is the perfect opportunity. This whole year has been a HUGE learning experience. I've learned that life is too short, I've learned that things can be taken from you so fast that you don't even have time to blink, and I've also learned who's there when all the "dust" has settled. I'm not going to lie, it's all been tough and I felt like I was drowning, but I am trying to "swim my way back up". I miss grandma, I especially miss my Ollie boy and Libby Lue, and sad that I don't get to see Donna's dad again. I've also learned that people should just accept me for who I am and not what they want me to be. I am Krysta, I am a sister, I am a daughter, I am a mom to Asher, I am a girl that hurts, I am a girl that is lost, I am a girl that is confused, I love (sometimes too hard), I love my family and would do anything for them, I love Starbucks, my favorite coffee is pumpkin spice, I love to read, I am a book junkie, I am addicted to Netflix, I cry during many episodes of Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice, I hold grudges, I can't forget a lot of my past, I've made many mistakes, I have many regrets, I've gained weight over the last few years, I'm more curvy than most women, yes I weigh more than I should and I've been beating myself up for it for months, I love being in my pj's, I love cookie dough, I like getting my nails done, I love getting pedicures, I miss my blankie a lot, I love my new bed, I miss my old things, I miss my old bed with my old blankets, I miss all my clothes and shoes that I had, I like my new clothes, I miss my old columbia jacket, I love all my new picture collages in my room, I am deathly scared of bugs, I run screaming like a little girl if a bee is near me, I love cats, dogs are nice, I work at an animal hospital, I would wear scrubs everyday and night if I could and it didn't look weird, I love to cuddle, I wish I was a little girl again, I now believe that my papa is almost always right about boys, I love my truck, I hated school, I have rocky relationships with both my parents, I am scared that I am not going to get my "happy ending", I'm scared that no one will accept me for all of what I am, but I am not changing who I am to make someone else happy.....I am Me. There are many people in my life, been in my life, or just passing through my life that don't, haven't, or hadn't accepted who I am. Because of this the ones who tell me on a regular or daily basis that I am beautiful inside and out, they don't care how much I weigh, they know all of the above and probably then some that I don't even know about me or realize about myself, they just accept me and love me for who I am. They believe that I will lose weight, that I will get passed all of the bad and find good, and that I will get my happy ending. This may hurt some people's feelings and I don't intend it to (because I know there are other people that accept me), but thanks to Donna Canzoneri I am learning to believe that I am who I am, she accepts me for all that I am, and that I should not change who I am for anyone, because if they can't accept me for who I am they don't deserve me. She has also made me realize that I've had my time to mope, cry, and be sad. And now I should take the time to be strong and "get back on the horse"...start dating and having fun again. So world, here I am....let's let the dating and fun begin.